Balance in the Universe

Tonight is Biggest Loser. I love this show. I watched the first couple of seasons and took a hiatus, and came back a season or two ago. I quit watching it originally because it was depressing. All these people could "Change Their Lives" and I didn't change anything. If I remember correctly, I was living with my parents at the time and only working part-time. Effectively going nowhere. At least that's how it felt. To make matters worse, although I was overweight I was nowhere NEAR a point which would qualify me for the show. So I couldn't even audition to go on to try to Change My Life!! Talk about depressing! I think someone should come up with a show ... Medium Loser. For all of us in the middle.

Already I'm digressing! In the last couple seasons I have developed a new found love of this show. Love I Say! Watching these people Change Their Lives truly is inspiring. It may not inspire me to go work out* or to stop eating the brownies I'll inevitably have in front of me. But it does inspire me to change other things. To believe in the person that I am. To believe that I can have some of the things I dream of. (Michael Buble, I'm talking to you ... he wrote this song for me you know)

*Technically they do inspire me to work out. It's just usually so dang late at night that i can't work out AND sleep at a decent time. And I have enough trouble sleeping right now, I don't need added problems.

Seeing so many contestants show their Truest Colors (I'm looking at you Married Couple from last season who paired up with Other Married Couple and dominated in spite of having no REAL desire to change your life, only to make money!) for the good and for the bad inevitably results in at least the shallowest layer of self-reflection.

This season I'm watching it with my neighbor. We were acquaintances before they moved in and now we are becoming friends. She too is a bit overweight. Although hers is more pronounced and acceptable since she is Growing a Kid! However, we say, every single week, while watching Jillian scream at someone or Bob 'kill' someone in the gym

"That is why I'd never make it on BL. I have no drive or desire to work that hard at much of anything."

And we eat another brownie and laugh with each other. Ahhhh, the beauty of camaraderie.

The true beauty, though, is that I do have a strong desire to write. To do this. For a living, somehow. And enough drive to plug away at it. Right now I'm half-ass-ing my way through NaNoWriMo. I'm handwriting a novel. In a spiral notebook. I'm probably not even to a word count for day 2 or 3 ... But I am thoroughly enjoying the ride. and I'm convincing myself that if/when I do make it big in writing, I won't have to work 8-5 and THEN I will work out every day and get more fit and healthy and enjoy my world. And become The Medium Loser!

For today, my goals are few. 3 to be exact.
1) Learn a little better every day how to appreciate and enjoy the body I am in, no matter it's size or mass.
2) Write a little more every day to hone my craft and share my thoughts.
and
3) Add Balance to The Universe.

Balance the Universe??? You say?? Well ... of course, if all those contestants on BL aren't eating the calories, then someone has to! There must be Balance in The Universe!! My neighbor and I will be Balancing Out the Universe with Peanut Butter Cup Brownies for the next hour or so. If you don't feel the earth tilt on it's axis, that was my doing. ;)

Aaaaand, I'm certifiable

Last night in my blogging around and tears I ran across a bizarre acronym that meant a totally different thing than the thing I thought of. And it suddenly dawned on me that NaNoWriMo is this month.

It occurred to me, last week?, maybe to consider giving it a shot. And then I realized with a psychotic cyclone I'm currently living in (my last 3 posts aside, life is nuts right now) and i thought I'd be crazy to add it.

Last night I thought, why not? And then blogged the mess that all started with Three Rivers and Alex O'Laughlin. And thought, you'd be nuts!

Then today at lunch it dawned on me again. And I thought "I can't finish the novel I have in my head. Not the one I have started. About Claire. Not the excerpt I gave my blog readers. I can't finish that novel, it's too close to my heart and I really want to write Claire well. " So, as I was running an errand at lunch I pondered

"What kind of story would i like to read?? What stories are missing??"

And I met Neil. In my mind, mind you, not in real life. And I had an idea, and went home and started scribbling. And I am certain it will be infinitely harder than I imagine. But I'm also hoping it'll be infinitely more rewarding than I imagine.

And if you are absolutely completely and utterly out of the loop. Here is the website for NaNoWriMo. November is National Novel Writing Month. And people all over the world sign up on that site and track their novels and share their progress and get help etc whatever, I'm not entirely sure. But I read the pep talk #1 and before I even made it past point #1 i was hooked.

1) Your novel will not be as bad as you fear. In fact, by November 30 you will have amassed tens of thousands of words of very solid prose. You will come up with things that make you laugh so hard you have to wipe off the keyboard afterwards, and passages so moving that you will cry as you write them. Your plot will unexpectedly give birth to fantastic subplots, characters will reveal surprising and juicy things about themselves, and you'll have some moments during NaNoWriMo that will rank among the most satisfying and happy-making of your life

At which point I realize I am supposed to amass 50,000 words by the end of the month. And I put in the half a paragraph I scribbled at lunch. I have 68 words right now. But, I'm going to give it (my) ol' college try and see what I have in December. I'm mostly going to write it long-hand because I get hung up by other distractions on the computer. (stupid facebook). But I'm going to give it a shot.

Here we go Neil!!!

Then I started browsing the site to see if there were any things I ought to be doing to keep up. And I run across this page here. And #4 says:
4) Begin procrastinating by reading through all the great advice and funny stories in the forums. Post some stories and questions of your own. Get excited. Get nervous. Try to rope someone else into doing this with you. Eat lots of chocolate and stockpile noveling rewards.

And I giggle. Because although I'm not technically yet procrastinating, I am reading through the pages. I am posting a few bits on my profile. I am already excited and equally nervous. And have already tried roping one friend into it and have two other friends (Lori? Sarah?) I'm wondering if will join me or not. Chocolate is currently on my counter waiting to be consumed. And I am now considering noveling rewards. Suggestions??

And Now I'm going to post this. New Facebook status. Wash face. Consume cake. Write a bit. and to Bed. clearly not before 11.

Why I prefer crime dramas (lots of rambling)

Shortest answer?
They don't make me cry.

Almost any time I watch a standard primetime dramatic television series. I cry. Regularly. Last week I cried at Private Practice and I don't even watch the freakin show!

If I linger at mom and dad's on Sunday nights after Three Rivers (my only exception to this rule, and primarily an exception because of Alex O'Loughlin) I end up crying at Brothers and Sisters.

Yes, I'm a soft touch. No, it doesn't often take all that much to make me cry. Yes, it's easier if I'm tired or worn out.

A few weeks back I cried at Private Practice because Violet was giving the boyfriend guy the baby because she couldn't bond with her newborn. Here's the twist for me. I start crying because all I can think is that I may never even get the option to bond with a baby.

I cried on my way home one night because someone on one of the shows was in love. And he had professed something lovely and endearing and, yes, likely improbable in real life. But I'm not even sure any of the guys I have ever dated have professed anything eloquent enough to be put down in writing, clearly nothing worth committing to memory.

I cried tonight because i very suddenly and very deeply felt forgotten.

I am feeling invisible again. And it's been awhile, so it's kind of fresh right now.
I feel left out
left behind
cast aside
used up
un-valuable
not worth your time
or effort
or concern

.......

and I know that it is mostly untrue.

I know, in my mind, that I have good friends. And people who love me. Family who love me. So so so many kids who not only love me .... they love me unconditionally. They love me solely for showing up!

I posted a lovely post last night about contentment and peace and being full. And it was true then. And it will be true again.

Tonight I thought "I have 271 friends on facebook, and only one person thought to invite me to any Halloween 'festivities'. " Only one.

We did a personality profile at church awhile back. And I'm the type of person who absolutely thrives on parties and fun and social butterfly etc etc etc. So, any time, and I mean pretty much any time I hear that there is fun to be had or there was fun to be had and I wasn't or aren't invited, it makes me a bit sad.

But here's the thing ...
Tonight, I'm not sad because there was 'fun' out there to be had and I wasn't invited. I had a lovely evening. I got exactly what I needed, and I'm fine with that. What makes me sad, Is that I came home to an empty apartment with two fish again. I went to bed alone, again. I got up and made myself coffee, alone, again. Tonight I came home, to an empty apartment with two fish, again.

For someone who thrives in groups and with people, you would be absolutely stunned to realize how much time I spend alone. I have been fully single for 7 years. I have lived fully alone for over 2 years.

I am absolutely aware how ridiculous this sounds, but I see this lovely man on Three Rivers tell his wife how much he loves her. And she says how much she loves him. But they both refuse to make any concessions or compromises to be together and make their marriage work. And I think "I would do anythingto make that work if a good and decent man loved me like that. ANYTHING."

And I'm worried that it doesn't matter. Because the odds are stacked against me 2:3. Did you know that? I read that the other day. In an average church there are 3 single women to every 2 single men. And if I allow myself to consider any factors other than God's own Divine Providence and Intervention, then I am almost always going to come out last among those 3.

"You only get one chance to make a first impression." I have come to hate that phrase. I can only hope that I get to smile at you before you notice the rest of me. I can only hope that my first impression focuses on my laughter
or smile
or eyes
or earrings
or hair
.... or shoes! Because I am nearly convinced that if you notice anything in between first, then you're outta there. And I know that's not fair. But it feels like the truth of my world.

And I'd rather not be reminded. I'd rather not see "people" give up on love. I'd rather not see "people" fall in love. Or have babies.

And I'd rather not hear how great my life is compared to yours. And I'd rather not hear how I ought to use this time to prepare. And I'd rather not hear how the 'right' man will come along. Or the 'right' man won't notice those things in between my earrings and my shoes. I'd rather not hear how glad I ought to be that I'm not married to this guy or that guy or her husband or hers.

I'd rather immerse myself in 'reality' TV. And fringe science with incredibly bizarre and creepy theories and experiments. And a world where everyone had a vision of their future 6 months from now and they're all trying to figure out what it means. And a crime lab where they all get along pretty well, and they solve crimes 25 out of 26 shows.

I'd rather distract myself with those, than remind myself that I'm going to post this, get a glass of milk, and go to bed,
alone,
again.