Saturday, January 23, 2010


I've had a rough week.

In truth, I've had a rough couple of months. The money has been able to justify a lot of it, but not quite all.

I knew there was a "big" meeting coming. It was supposed to be Friday, and then Monday, and then Tuesday. I didn't sleep well Sunday night, so I was quite glad when the meeting was postponed one more day.

Knowing now how the meeting was going to go, I am doubly glad it was postponed one more day. Sparing you the details, suffice it to say I would have almost certainly ended up in tears by the end of Monday.

I credit the postponement to God. I asked Him to postpone the meeting. Acknowledging my selfishness and own responsibility in making my mood worse on Monday. Acknowledging that I screwed it up, but that HE was the only one who could do anything about the circumstances I didn't want to face that day. And I believe his answer that day was 'Yes.'

I don't handle meetings well. At all. I will spare you the details, but I have a physical / bodily reaction if I know a meeting is coming. In fact, even as I type that my stomach turns. So, all Tuesday morning, knowing that the meeting was going to be in the afternoon, I prayed. Off and on. As it occurred to me. As I hit a wall I couldn't deal with. As I hit anything I couldn't deal with.

And in the midst of that I though to myself:
How do people who don't have my Jesus handle this kind of crap?????
How do they do it?

I've discussed this phenomenon with a friend who also struggles with depression. We've asked the same thing about people who are struggling with depression who do not know Jesus and his power and grace and love. And Help!
How do they do it?

I don't have an answer. I don't begin to have the faintest idea how to handle work stress without my heavy reliance on my relationship with Jesus and his strength IN me.

I am having a really rough day today. Had a wonderful, beautiful dream that was the living breathing reality of my heart's deepest desire. And woke up alone, as always. I was okay for most of the day. And this afternoon my heart just twisted in my chest. And i cried. For this lost dream; that I've never even had.

I prayed. I asked him to help. I cried out and told Him that I can't do this without him. I don't know how. I'm not any good at it. And I don't want to.

And, again, I acknowledged that I fight with Him a lot. I curse at Him. I call Him names. I shout at Him to go away and not talk to me. And I acknowledged that I act like a petulant, selfish child who is just upset at not getting her way. And in spite of all that, i recognize that I do need Him to get me through this. Because no one else can even come close to helping. Even if that dream were fully realized tomorrow (which is impossible anyway since it involves a fully evolved relationship with a man who adores me and Him.) I still can't do this without Jesus.

Don't misunderstand. I'm still crying. I'm crying now as I write this. And it is one of those days, where if I'm not careful, I will simply stop moving. My mantra on these days is 'Just don't stop.' I just keep breathing. just keep walking. just keep functioning and moving through life. Just keep hoping that somehow, in the long run, when it has all been said and done and all of us are laid to rest, that it will have been worth it. That His plan would have been better than my plan. That these tears will be gathered up and counted and will be valuable for whatever they are teaching me.

but still i cry.
still I go to bed alone.
again I stay up impossibly late so I can fall straight to sleep and not consider the emptiness of my bed and the rest of my life.
again I will probably skip church in the morning to avoid fake 'okay-ness' as well as avoid the seeming plethora of Happy Marrieds.
always i wish that at least one person 'got' it all and could comfort me
ever i turn to Him.


  1. Thanks for being so honest. No I do not totally 'get it', but I can still pray for you and hug you if you are close. Know that He is in control and you are a Child of the Kind, which makes you a princess. You do mean alot to me and I miss you. Jesus has gotten me through tough stuff, you just have not heard some of my past issues, He was my father and mother when I was all alone. There have been women in my life that also helped me get through, would like to help be that one that can help or hold you up.

    Love ya, Candy

  2. Hello there sister,

    Not sure what is all going on with you, but wanted to say hello. I know what long term depression is about. Went through 21 years hidden depression. I praise my Lord that He delt with most of it when I was first regenerated, but still from time to time, subtle depression tries to rear its ugly head. I relize though, at least for me, I have begun to listen to lie of the evil one and then I run to Christ, repent and focus on Him, in prayer and in His Word, especially if I don't feel like it. Satan loves to work us over in our emotions. If the Lord has plans for you to marry, don't worry He will not let you down. Remember Romans 8:28! The 'good' in that verse is our ultimate good. It means to be continually be transformed into the image of Christ (sanctified). So, for some reason, the Lord has you where you are at, for His purposes and to conform you into the image of Christ. Let His work become complete so that you will be exactly what He is working you to be - a Christ follower and very well possibly a wife for the man that He is working in for you as well. Sorry if this is too long, but hold onto Christ and concentrate where is most important - being a daughter of the most high God!

    I would love to send you my newest book - give me a shout at: or You can see my testimony (shortened) on the web page.

    God bless,
    In Christ's Holy love,