Saturday, February 5, 2011

Picky much?

I read a post on Her.meneutics today. The post was good, it was a book review about a book aimed at single women and declaring that they/we are too picky. I started to read through the comments to leave one of my own because I really appreciated what the author had to say. Then I read a few of the posts and forgot what my own thoughts were.

Originally I read the post and thought
"How and why is this book being marked to Christian women? The author is not a Christian and has no problem with pre-marital sex nor with eliminating religion as a must-have in your relationship. Also, I loved your comment: I can’t help wondering where the book is that tells men that they need to “settle” for a woman who is kind and caring but might not look like a supermodel."

Then I read this:
The heart of the problem is women, especially professional women, have grown accustomed to "getting it all" in the jobs market and now this is spilling over into the selection of a mate. Sorry, ladies there now appears to be some justice for men.


Of course single Christian women are way too picky. Unless you are "perfect", whatever that means, Christian women will say that they "just want to be friends". On the other hand, if you are "perfect", whatever that means, Christian women will go gaga over you, even if you don't know the difference between Jesus Christ and Buddha. I accept that there are people who remain single throughout their lives because they have been called to serve God in that manner, however, any single Christian woman who desires to marry, and are not married, only have themselves and their unrealistic "criteria" to blame

and in response to other comments

you seem to be saying that, if a Christian woman is single, it's her fault, and if a Christian man is's still her fault.

The whole conversation bothered me. All of it. How quick we are to judge each other. How quick we are to blame the "victim." How quick we are to Declare All That Is Wrong With (insert descriptive of your choice). And how incredibly quick we are to excuse and justify ourselves.

I posted this as a response:
As a single, 30 something, Jesus Girl in a moderately sized midwest town, I do not think i am too picky. Period. I was quite offended and hurt by citylady's comments and annoyed by a few others. but I recognize two things. 1) I didn't read the comments in order to respond to them. and 2) those people probably will not even read my comment; so I choose not to respond to them.

I live a very full life. I volunteer mentoring college students twice a week. I enjoy my church, which is in a smaller town a half hour away from my home, and has, literally, no available single men at all. I go out for dinner and lunches with multiple friends and spend time with them at their homes. I see my parents once or twice a week, every single week. I am currently building a business and have plans to launch a second one next month. I tried online dating last year and was simply not able to give it the time and attention it would need in order to have any level of success.

And I haven't even mentioned my "criteria" yet. So how can you possibly, how can ANYONE possibly declare that I am picky? That anyone else in my boat is too picky? How can you possibly? You don't know a single thing about me! You don't know my issues with self-esteem, you don't know how deeply I desire a man who loves Jesus more than he loves me, you don't know that I haven't even MET a new, possibly single, Christian man in years, you don't know that I desire a man who is considerate and will carry groceries and open doors for me. So how can you possibly read this post about this book that isn't even written by a Christian and declare that *I* am picky??

Yes, I have a list. But it is not based on Hollywood or Harlequin. It is based on YEARS of seeing my friends work on their marriages and love each other. On seeing in them what makes one work and what doesn't. On watching husbands interact with their wives and learning to appreciate the things that are much more than skin deep. I have a list of 5-8 non-negotiable items #1 of which that he be a Jesus Lover. and then I have a list of another 8-10 things that would be preferred, but are not necessary to my life-long happiness.

Multiple friends have told me that they don't know why I haven't found a guy by now. They have also in the next breath told me that they don't KNOW any single, Christian men. So, you tell me. Is it women who are too picky? or is it men who are refusing to step up and be mature, responsible men and own their own pickiness? Their own desire to have a Christian Barbie doll to sit on the couch next to them while they play video games and pine away on the porch while he goes and plays with his buddies.

Please stop determining that "all" of us single Christian women are too picky. Please stop blaming us for something that most of us would change in a heartbeat if given the chance. Please start talking with the men in your lives about their desires and lists and what they are doing to meet us. Because I, for one, will NOT ask him out. He will need to find me and ask me. Like another commenter above, if you ask, I will give you at least one date.

Can we please have an honest, caring, compassionate conversation on both sides of this issue and help each other find Jesus in the middle?

I am annoyed. A little upset. I have been tempted, on multiple occasions, over the last 5+ years to ask my friends, point-blank if there is something "wrong" with me that I need to be working on to make myself more attractive (not just physically) to men. But i have always stopped myself for two reasons.

First, I honestly couldn't handle the honest criticism. No matter how loving the source would be. I don't think I'd be able to stay friends with you if you told me that my laugh is obnoxious and puts men off because I'd never be able to laugh with you again and I'd never be able to spend time with you without wondering what else is obnoxious about me to you.

And Second, I am a Jesus Girl. I am a work in progress. I am very clear that I am not perfect. But I am working through My List in God's order and timing. I weigh over 200 pounds and I have for at least a year, possibly two. I have not addressed this yet because God had other items on My List that needed to be dealt with first. I believe now may be my season to deal with the weight and get the spiritual side of it under control, but I think we all would agree that men ought to consider potential mates based on spirit and soul and character and personality, and not on whether or not the jeans size is in the double digits.

But, somehow, this side of the equation never comes up in sermons or conversation. We never discuss how many men I browsed on ChristianCafe who were unwilling to even consider a woman who was any larger than "a few extra pounds." Most of them wanting "Athletic" "Fit" or "Slender".
What about my heart?
What about my compassion?
What about my dreams and goals for this life?
What about my laugh and sense of humor?
What about the way that I love my friend's kids and they all love me?

If you can't see past the size of my "Trunk" then you never get to see those things. You never get to see the truest heart of who I am
as a Woman
as a Jesus Girl
as a Midwesterner
as a Moderate
as a dreamer
as a business owner
as an author

And that is your loss. It takes two to Tango. There are two sides to every coin. There are plenty of places to lay blame and Declare this that or the other. But can we just not do that this time? Can we simply talk to each other? Can the men speak up and say "I asked a girl out and she laughed at me." And can we ladies apologize for what a bee-yatch that chick was? Can we ladies speak up and say "I had a guy tell me once, point-blank, that he was unwilling to date anyone who wasn't "Stunning."" And can you gentlemen apologize for his superficiality and shallowness? can we meet in the middle and see what Jesus would say to all of us, and each of us individually? Can we discuss our lists and must-haves and would-be-great-to-haves and see where we may be eliminating great partners?

Or can you just set me up on a blind date? Cause i'd be game for that too.


  1. LaughingMouse - I followed your comment from CT's blog (I posted as Leslie) - I just have to say "Amen, and Amen!"

  2. BTW - my comment got edited by Christianity Today - I had also told John that if he knew so much then surely he knew some single Christian guys that he could set you up with. I guess they felt it was an inappropriate comment :/