Saturday, April 2, 2011

The Unfairness

My family got hit with The Unfairness this week. As a 30 something adult you know that bad things happen to good people all the time. And you hear stories of The Unfairness coming out of left field and hitting families all the time. There are fundraiser banquets and walks and bicycle rides and awareness seminars, constantly, it seems. But even as you see all of those and you pray for those people and you feel badly for them, you never think for a second that your own family might someday get hit with one of those things, those things that are so unfair. The bad things to good people. The worst things to the very best people. The time taken away from people that barely had any to begin with. The pain to the person who has done everything in their power for their entire life to ease their loved ones through life as much as possible.

When The Unfairness hits, everyone has some sort of reaction towards God.
Why did he cause this?
Why did he allow this?
Why won't he fix this?
Why is he taking so long?
Did we do something he didn't like?
Is he really, truly a good God?
Does he actually want good things for us?
How can this possibly be any part of his plan for good in my life?

Hopefully we scream and we wail and we swear and we beat our fists on his chest and we scratch at him. And when we are spent, we curl up in his arms and weep. I hope that we all stick around for the weeping part. Because that weeping bit, that moment is where he shows up the strongest for you personally in your heart of hearts. That place that no other person in this world can even approach. That is where you find peace through the hardest things you've ever faced. That is where you find strength to fight like you've never fought before. That is where you can finally unleash all the fury and terror that you are holding back from everyone else.

Hopefully curled up in his arms is the safest you have ever felt. Hopefully you know that he truly is good. That he actually does want good things for us. That he does have some sort of plan, even if that plan contradicts the one we've had 100%.

Hopefully in the dark of the night when your heart breaks for The Unfairness that has shown up in your life, you go to him and let him gather your tears. Hopefully you do know that he may be the only one that can handle all that fury and rage and terror. That whatever The Unfairness has brought into your life, that he has felt it too. That he understands. And even if you can't believe that The Unfairness will bring anything good, you can believe that he will not leave you for a nanosecond while you fight and weep and lay spent and empty. No matter how much love and support you have around you, there will always be times when no one will answer their phone, and no one is home, and no one is on the internet (ridiculous, I know) and you will feel like you are weeping alone.

But you're not.

That is the exact moment that Love Is Here waiting for you. Just waiting.
Not expecting.
Not asking.
Not requesting.
Not taking.
Not draining.
Not nagging.
Not complaining.
waiting to take you in his arms and share with you just how much he truly does love you. That even if you were the only one on earth who needed him, he would still have died just for you.

And some of you are skeptical. Some of you are scoffing. Some of you think I am a nutball. And that's fine. Truly it is. You have your process and situations and life-lived-thus-far, and I have mine. This is where I have landed. This is one of the only things in this whole mixed up crazy world that I believe without hesitation or equivocation. I have my doubts about specific things at times, but since November 9, 1996 I've never doubted for a second that he died so that he and I could have this direct, personal, intimate connection. That I could sit here, writing through my feelings about The Unfairness with tears running down my cheeks, and even as I rail at him and beg him for different, that he is sitting right with me, waiting for me to be spent and remember that the only thing that gets me through a day is his presence in my heart and world. That the only reason I can get through a day is because he is holding me together. That the only reason I haven't shut down entirely and lost that great job I just started is because he is putting strength in my limbs and tasks in my mind to keep me moving.

This is the thing I can't seem to express. The thing I can't seem to put into words. The thing I can't say out loud because it looks a little crazy in print and I can't imagine what it would sound like spoken aloud. But that is the only truth I know right now. That is the only thing anchoring me right now. His love and presence is the only thing I can actually count on. I wish that for you. Each and everyone of you fighting your own battle with The Unfairness.
That somehow through it, or before it, or in it, or after it, you would find yourself in his arms.
planned for.
cared about.
died for.

That you would be able to find that peace in the hardest thing you've ever faced.
That is where you find the strength to fight like never before.
That is where you finally unleash all the fury and terror that you are holding back from everyone who may not get it.

That he wants to be By Your Side as you go through this valley. That somehow you find that The Unfairness isn't fair, even to Him. That at the end of you, you find Him and in Him you find you. That someday you can read my feeble attempt to express this thing beyond words and it makes sense to you. That someday we can share our stories and know we aren't alone in the world or in the fight against The Unfairness. That someday The Unfairness is no more.
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This post was midwifed by two separate friends and a woman I've never met who writes more beautifully than anything I've ever read. The woman I've never met is Ann Voskamp. And she has been given the opportunity to offer a scholarship*** to a woman to the She Speaks conference Lysa Terkeurst puts on every year in July. My two friends separately and without talking to each other both told me I should apply for it. And this is how I do it. I write something that reflects a little of my heart, and I tell you here a bit about She Speaks and include a link, and we'll see what God does with it.

She Speaks is a conference Lysa started to help women connect with the right resources and learning and tools to share whatever message God has placed on their hearts. There are large sessions and workshops. There are high intellectual discussions and nuts and bolts talks. There are many opportunities to hone your craft and share your message and maybe find just the right connection to publish a book. So I am throwing my hat in the ring, and if you have a message you are passionate about sharing on a larger scale, maybe you should throw your hat in the ring too.


  1. I AM SOOOOO PROUD OF YOU RIGHT NOW!! Sitting here crying big tears and cheering you on all the way!

  2. You are beautiful, gifted, talented, and strong. I love you and I love seeing God's heart pour out of you. Thank you for sharing.