Thursday, June 30, 2011

I went to Radio Shack a couple years ago to get a Digital converter box. I walked in and rather than browsing around with no idea what I was looking for or where to find it, I simply walked up to the counter. There was one man at a computer working on something, and the monitor was so high on the desk that I just barely saw the top of his head. There was a 2nd guy at a 2nd computer working with a woman on her cell plan. "Ok, only two guys in the store, I can be patient." A few minutes later a 3rd guy walks out of the back, passes right by me and walks up to someone at the very front of the store and asks if he can help them. Um, wait, hello?? Ok, i can let him off the hook, I kinda looked like I was in line, I guess. He goes back into the back, again without acknowledging me in any way, shape or form. Then the 2nd guy gets done with the cell phone lady and as soon as she turns to leave he turns to leave and goes into the back. Again, not acknowledging my presence in any way. Somewhere in this that first guy behind the computer also left and went into the back. Then a 4th guy comes from the back and starts talking to someone else about how he can help them. At this point I am having a seriously Twilight Zone/Heroes moment.

"Have I become invisible? Why don't they see me? Why don't they acknowledge me? Is it because I'm a woman? Cause I still need techy digitaly stuff. How would I know if I was invisible? That's ridiculous. People aren't invisible. Heroes was a made up TV show. That stuff isn't real. Ok, but why haven't any of these guys offered to help me???"

Then the 2nd guy, who was helping the cell phone lady, came back out and right up to the computer he was working on before and started doing something. Again, never acknowledging I am even standing there at all. Didn't glance at me, didn't smile in my direction, didn't seem to even notice my presence at all. Finally I decided to test my "so incredibly remote possibility it borders on me appearing truly certifiably insane" theory.

"Am I invisible or something? Do you not see me standing here?"

To which the cell phone helper guy jumped to and very apologetically stated that he thought someone else had helped me. Who he thought helped me, I have no idea. Why he thought anyone was helping me when I was standing in the exact same spot I had been in since I'd walked in, I don't know. He was incredibly helpful and very very apologetic after that. I got my convertor box and went home a fairly happy customer.

A few weeks ago I met a guy online. We chatted online a few times, exchanged phone #s and talked on the phone a couple times. Then we met in person. Though it was less You've Got Mail and more Must Love Dogs, it was a good meeting. Spent almost 6 hours with him that Saturday. Talked a few more times that week. Texted a bit. Set up a 2nd date. Had another nice day. Lunch and mini golf with a friend of his, hanging out on a bench being relaxed and content, while chatting about everything and nothing. Met up with him a 3rd day, the very next day, again a nice day. Had a few bumps both of those days, things were not perfect nor love at first sight. But both of us agreed definite potential for more. Two days later I got an email telling me he didn't think we were a good fit because he is recently out of a relationship and is more vulnerable than he realized and that he didn't want to take emotional advantage of me. Intellectually I appreciate his honesty and his explaining himself rather than just slinking off leaving me wondering WTH just happened.

But my heart is bruised. My hope is tarnished. Again. I find myself asking if I am invisible. Do people see me?

I keep parts of my Self back in every relationship I have. I show these sides to this friend and those sides to the other friend. I don't know that I have ever truly opened up every single facet of my heart and mind and life to any single friend. It's one thing to not get around to sharing something, that's not what I mean. I mean there are pieces and parts of my heart and thinking that I intentionally withhold from various friends. Because as the MercyMe song, Beautiful, says "Wondering if you ever could be loved. And if they truly saw your heart, they'd see too much." In my mind, if someone did see my full, true heart, it would be too much, and they would leave. Stop taking my calls, stop answering emails, stop spending time with me, leave.

I went for a bike ride after the guy cut and run and amidst the many things I thought of and prayed about I thought, repeatedly,
"I just want someone to see me. I want someone to notice me."

I have been realizing these last months and even years that for whatever reason I often feel invisible. I'm pretty sure that feeling/fear is why I can be so boisterous and outgoing and even obnoxious and loud. Because how can you not see and acknowledge that girl? Thus guaranteeing that I am seen. The downside to that is it makes my fear of being invisible become a self-fulfilling prophecy. The people in my world get so used to me being boisterous and outgoing and loud that they don't notice me when I'm not that way. I have tried to "test" this theory a few times at church and various church functions. "If I don't get up and go say hi to someone, will anyone say hi to me?" I think to myself. And I simply sit, quietly, waiting, hoping that someone will notice me. Inevitably, no one does. And my hope tarnishes again.

So I flounder. I stumble about in this life hoping that someone will help right me. Hoping that someday someone will choose to stick around after I have a (very mild) freak out about how I don't know how to date or start a relationship. That someone will see my tears and think only of comforting me, not get scared off.

That someday, somehow I will believe God. When he calls himself El Roi, which means the God who sees Me, that it will fill my heart and mind as Truth. Not feel like an empty sentiment that doesn't actually help.

That someday I won't feel invisible.

1 comment:

  1. YOU ARE NOT INVISIBLE, my dear friend. This broke my heart to read. I, too, have felt ignored at Radio Shack!! And other places as well. I think customer service just isn't what it used to be. I take it personally, too, even though others might just be too self absorbed to notice and realize their job is to SERVE if they are in customer service. Anyway, I spent so many years doubting God. Even though I was a Christian, I had a distorted view of Him because of my own wounds from childhood. My father abandoned me for 20 years and my mom was very abusive. I worked so hard on healing these wounds and now, FINALLY, am seeing God for who He really is: LOVING!! The Bible says I am a 'precious jewel.' YOU ARE, TOO!!!! It pains me so to know you feel unworthy of love. Don't BELIEVE SATAN'S LIES!!! He's got you in a trap! Don't let him defeat you and weigh your heart down. GOD LOVES YOU and is using me right now to tell you that!! Go into your room and pour out your heart to HIM, even if you can't muster the words, let the tears fall. He'll see and answer. Just ask Him to show you His love in a special and tangible way. Then look for HIM!! He'll be there! I betcha.