Monday, August 24, 2009

day 15 - throwing in the towel

I am. I have decided to give up the 30 days portion of my recent challenge. Considering it is now the 24th of Aug and I'm only on day 15, I think we have all proven that consistency is not my strong suit. However, I fully and absolutley intend to keep blogging. And, plan to blog on a much more regular basis. My current idea is that if I didn't blog yesterday, then I must blog today. Unless of course I have a date ... which I haven't had in 5ish years. Or if I simply am out in the real world living my typically full life and don't get home until bedtime. Then you won't hear from me til tomorrow.

having said all that, I am also throwing in the towel on something else. sorta. not really. it sounded like a better segue in my head.

I am tired. bone deep tired. I have problems with insomnia. Yes, fully half of the problem, at least, is my own unwillingness to shut this dam machine off and just go to bed already. But, much of the time even once I shut this thing down and crawl into bed I lay there and stare at the walls. Or lay there and ponder all the random mysteries of the universe. Sometimes I lay there and replay conversations in my head. conversations I've already had that I wish I could change and conversations that haven't even happened yet that I am trying to be prepared for. And, let's face it, most of the latter conversations will never happen anyway.

I know every sleep expert and doctor on the planet will tell you not to do this, but I fall asleep with a movie on my little 13 inch tv my sister gave me for Christmas a couple years ago. (Thanks sis!!!) I justify this by explaining that since my brain runs, fully, at 1000 miles a minute as an average, I have an incredibly difficult time shutting it off at night. So, if I put in a movie, I lay there and distract that part of my brain with the movie and what I've seen (since I only use movies i have seen so many times I have them memorized) and what they're going to say next etc, and I doze off. Usually within 10-15 minutes of turning on the movie. Which I know because I can usually remember the last bits of dialogue I heard before falling asleep and then i can gauge how long I laid there listening to it. Don't harangue me for this, it works for me.

But last weekend I had a convention for my business and was up late 3 nights in a row. Then I had my 'normal' work week in which I 'try' to go to bed before 10 every single night for the week and usually end up falling asleep by midnight at the latest 3 out of 5 nights at minimum. This last weekend I could NOT for the life of me fall asleep Fri nite and ended up getting up early on Saturday for a bike ride fundraiser at my church for a family I know. Then, still didn't get to bed anywhere near early or even reasonable on Sat nite and made it to church on Sunday, on time, sorta. And, no early sleepy last night either.

All of this to say i am tired. And, of course, that ALWAYS overflows into my emotional and mental state. I get the most depressed when I'm tired. I am by far much more emotional and, as a separate thing, prone to breaking down into tears over insignificant things. You know, like a papercut. I get infinitely more whiny about being single and being alone when I'm tired.

Everything is black. Ok, well, no, not everything exactly. Shades of gray. Mostly dark grays. The dark ugly grays of a storm rolling in.

And on one level I hate that about myself. I hate that I refuse to be a grown-up, responsible adult and friggin go to bed at a decent time so I don't drag myself home like a whupped pup every night. Only to be followed by an evening of sitting here staring at a screen full of virtual realities and earning 'money' in my artificial worlds so I can live vicariously through them rather than truly going after the things i wish that I had.

On another much deeper level it is paying me off. Anyone remember when Dr. Phil used to ask people all the time what their payoff was for their bad behaviors? If they didn't get some form of payback then they would have stopped doing whatever it was. Mine? I get to excuse my rudeness and irritability. I get to wish for things rather than actually work for them. I get to lament and cry and feel hopeless and sometimes garner a fair amount of sympathy.

I've heard the quote a couple of different ways, and I think I've posted it here, you will never change a behavior until the pain of staying the same as you are now outweighs the pain of making the change. I feel, on a number of levels and issues, like I am on that cusp. In many ways I am downright miserable and realizing that something needs to change or I truly am going to throw in the towel. And then I'll just be a miserable, mean old spinster lady with a couple of dogs (not so much a cat person) who yells at the kids to get off my lawn. I don't think any of us want that. especially since I've barely started my 30s for goodness sake.

You'll note it is approx 940 when I posted this. I am putting on tags, posting this, checking into facebook statuses for 3 minutes, because I already checked through all my games, and crawling into bed. good nite.

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