Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Big Loser - support

Watching Biggest Loser tonight. Inspired as always.

I saw Abby talking to her mom about how much support they are getting for her at home since she was America's choice at the last season finale. She was crying because she was so touched at how much support is coming in. Not only does she have the support of her friends and family, she has the support of America.

And I thought to myself

"I wouldn't have that much support if I did something like that"

And pretty much IMMEDIATELY caught myself up short. Reminded myself I would have EXACTLY that much support. And the support of my Maker. If I told everyone I knew that I was going to do any version of the Biggest Loser (because I'm actually not even HEAVY enough right now to make it on the show!) I would have so much support.

I told my mom early on this year that my goal, well, one of many goals was to lose 45% of my body weight. It was mid-low level for my height on the official chart. An incredibly lofty goal, but attainable. IF ... IF I had been working at this already this entire year and had already lost around 50-60ish pounds. I have not. at all. In fact, I haven't even been on a scale in 3-5 months, so I can't even tell you what I weight right now.

And I think about all the things these contestants have to say. All their reasons for being there. The families, the kids, the lives they want to have.

My only, truest, deepest reason is in the hopes of catching a husband. The hope of getting svelte and sleek and sexy enough to catch someone's eye. The paradox is that my personality is such that I won't put up with someone shallow nor someone who would only stay interested in me for exactly that svelteness. I want to be in a relationship for the long haul, and at my age, 30 years together ... and anything shallow will have LOOOONG died.

I always come back around to the other half of that problem. Even IF, if I could lose that weight and catch someone's eye. I truly don't want to live a life where I have to work that hard for that long that much in order to keep that look up for him. Of all the ridiculous things I consider and ponder and think about, the idea of nabbing a man with a sleek svelte body only to let it go completely after I get him to marry me, that is one of the rudest and meanest ridiculous things I've noodled.

So that leaves me here. Middle of the road. Uncommitted. Wishing. Single in Paradox. Maybe someday I'll have a rock bottom moment and decide to get healthy for mySELF. I'll let ya know.

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