absence

I had delusions of thinking I could post my whole testing fiasco to do with figuring out my galbladder is causing me much problems. Alas, it is now 1150 the night before the actual surgery to remove said galbladder and I am not only out of time, Iam out of wit. I am nervous as hell and trying to focus solely on getting to the IV portion. I have what is called a "vaso-vago response" which means I faint when there are needles involved. I figure if I can make it to the IV thing then I'll pass out and wake up after it's all over, more or less. maybe tomorrow or Thursday I can post some amusements to do with the surgery and recovery and my mom and the many well wishes and HIGHLY appreciated prayers that have gone out on my behalf regarding this. For now I will spare you a picture of the gallbladder.

p.s. if something 'unexpected' happens, someone get my sister to go get the envelope out of my small top desk drawer under the organizer. Shanks!!

Why did I wait so long???

I told a friend of mine last night that I really needed to put up a more personal blog. I started out with what appear to be 4 rants in a row. And the whole goal of this blog was to unify the sides of my personality not create another one! I was going to tell one story, but a 2nd friend had sent me a video of Susan Boyle. I finally, just tonight, watched that video.

oh.
my.
goodness.

She is
AH.MAZE.ING!

I heard the audio of it on the radio the other day, but it is even more fantastic to see, and even more "I want to root for her!"ish if you see the intro part of it.

They asked her what she was there for and she said "I am tryin to be a professional singer. [then] I've never been given the chance before, I'm hoping that will change."

and it did.

I mentioned in a previous entry that I seek out that wonderful, beautiful tightness in my chest that I get at different times. When I finish a wonderful book. When the credits roll on an inspiring movie. When I hear people cheering for a 47 year old, frumpy, small-town woman who opens her mouth and sings with a voice significantly better than at least half of what is coming out of American record companies right now.

I don't tear up at her voice, I do tear up at hearing the crowd go wild for her. At hearing them acknowledge that she was not what they had assumed her to be. We all make assumptions based on our first impressions of people, but we all should be forced to wonder how many of those assumptions are wrong. How many times do you run into someone in the grocery store and decide they are this or that or the other??

Tonight I talked to the friend that sent me the video and she said that she thinks every town probably has someone like that. I have to agree. I have to wonder how many fantastic voices we have floating around our towns that we don't even know about.

I have to wonder how many amazing artists are putzing in their basements or attics that may never be 'discovered.'

I have to wonder how many writers are toiling away on a typewriter that will never get published.

Meanwhile drivel is being produced by the ton and we praise it. I wish I had more influence. I wish I had more drive and ambition. I wish I had more commitment-ability. Influence to force the drivel to be risen to a level worthy of my attention. More drive to work on my own projects with regularity and hone my craft, as it were. Ambition to get published in some way shape or form, or even just enough ambition to work on my novel again. More ambition to scour the art galleries in the area and find the people I believe to have talent and help them figure out how to get recognition for their gift.

What gifts do you have? What are you hiding under a bushel basket? I found out recently a friend of mine does pinatas. Full, paper mache pinatas, for fun! Like fantastic and accurate and big and gorgeous pinatas. I told her that we need to get our group of mutual friends together and just have a day where we share those random gifts, quirks, abilities, hobbies etc with each other and start utilizing the gifts around us. I have absolutely no idea whatsoever that she did pinatas, it would never have occurred to me to ask her. Now, I know. I know a friend who knits. I know a friend who sews beautifully, a couple actually. But now that I know about the pinata, I wonder what other gifts are all around me that I don't know of because it never comes up. Worse, I wonder how many other gifts I'll never know about because the person in possession of the gift doesn't realize what a gift it is and how rare it is and how much the rest of us would appreciate it! What is your gift? What are you hiding away? what do you wish you could while away your hours doing? hmmm? Please share.

Thank Gawd I'm not alone!!

I saw this post on MSNBC this morning and after my post yesterday I had to have a moment of CELEBRATION!! I am NOT ALONE!!!

Yay!

See what I'm talking about here.

Would the FABULOUS Miss CA please step up?

Everyone is talking about Miss California's answer to "The Gay Marriage Question" asked by Perez Hilton during the Miss USA contest this weekend. I want to point out a few hypocrisies that have struck me hard as I listen to everyone else rant and rave about it.

Before I start my opinions, here is the actual video of only Perez asking the question and her answer. Not sponsored by anyone, no song, no commentary, just the facts. (Shoot, I can't get the video to embed, so instead, here is a link to youtube, click over and watch it quick if you haven't seen it yet. )

First of all, the start of her answer says "I think it is great that Americans are able to choose one or the other. We live in a land where you can choose" So, she was by no means knocking anyone or setting out to offending anyone or even saying if you are right or wrong! So quit getting so incredibly upset that she stated her own opinion and beliefs.

Second, when did Miss USA suddenly get 8 judges?? How many judges do we need? Which brings me to

Third, why in God's green earth is Perez Hilton a judge?? He is the worst sort of gossip columnist who lives off of america's obsession with 'celebrity' and spends his days and weeks and months and years critiquing and ridiculing anyone who doesn't agree with his beliefs or fashion sense. What does he know about Miss USA or 'representing america'? Sorry that you're mistaken, but Miss USA doesn't represent all americans ... not one of those girls was probably bigger than a size 4 and they probably don't enjoy Brownies and Coca-Cola as much as I do. Bring back Mo'nique's pageant and then we'll talk about who is representing whom here.

I saw a clip of him on cnn or something last night, which to begin with is a tad ludicrous to me. But, whatever. And on it he said "I wish she had kept her religion and her politics out of it!" Ummm, really?

THEN WHY DID YOU ASK THAT QUESTION???

Of all the topics in our society right now, this has to be one of the single most politically divisive and religiously divisive issues that exists!

What I truly do not understand, and this happens all the time in all sorts of public arenas. Is how it is that we can have a pageant like Miss USA, have a question like that, and then when the answer doesn't agree with you or the majority or some minority or a protected group of spotted owls you go off on this tirade! Calling her names and telling her what her answer should have been. It happens all the time. If she had simply agreed with him or left it at the first half of her answer, then no one would be talking about this at all! But the fact that she disagrees and now suddenly not only is it news she is a stupid b---- and worse!!

Why is it, exactly, that when I don't agree with you, that is when you suddenly decide I am stupid? That when I disagree with you, suddenly I should have kept my politics and religion out of it? If she had agreed, like so many seem to think she should have, then she is still keeping her politics and possibly religion in the answer. She just happens to agree with you. That dichotomy and hypocrisy is what makes me crazy.

I went into a job interview once and there was all sorts of religious icons on a book shelf in the office. And after having been asked a few questions they had sorted out that I was a Christian. It's been a few years so I don't remember how exactly it came about, but it did. No rights were violated, nothing was asked directly, just gleaned from various answers. And the interviewer says to me "How are you going to handle it when you have to counsel a woman and you have to leave your religion on the shelf?" My gut level reaction was to ask "Why do I have to leave my religion on the shelf? You don't!" I didn't say that, but by the time I walked out the door I realized I had talked my way out of that job. Which is fine. But that hypocrisy that double-standard exists everywhere. THAT is what I don't get.

So, Miss California, Carrie Prejean, KUDOS TO YOU!!! You spoke your mind, you shared your opinion and double Kudos for standing by it!!!!!

Hopefully Mr. Hilton will fade into obscurity one of these days. But I won't hold my breath on it.

That's Right, I Said it

oh. my. goodness. Something has been bothering me for weeks, months, possibly years. And I am going to say it. I am going to throw my hat in the ring on this one. I am going to expose one of the issues in our society that makes me

ABSO

FREAKING

LUTELY

CRAZY

NUTSO

PSYCHOTIC!!!

I saw a blog post awhile back somewhere that Mandisa has a new CD coming out called 'Freedom' and that she is touring and sharing the new freedom she has found ...

not in Christ, but through WEIGHT-LOSS!!

She lost 70-80 pounds and is touring and talking about her weight-loss and the causes for her original weight-gain and the freedom she has found. Now let me be clear right from the start. Absolute, double, triple, quadruple kudos to her for losing 80 pounds. Kudos to her for sharing the freedom that she has found in that. And a Million Kudos to her for sharing that she was abused as a child and raped as a teenager. I absolutely realize that it takes guts to put yourself out there to that degree. I totally get that. And I hope that others who have struggled through those issues can find healing and wholeness through truth and transparency in safe ways. She is also clear that those experiences affected how she saw her body and that she used food to pad herself to feel safe. I can understand that. I think a lot of women can.

But everything I have seen posted and the video I saw of her on the show, there is #1) zero mention of God or Jesus or the healing he has given her or the source of her ability to forgive Simon Cowell way back when. and #2) it is implied that the only way to 'freedom' is to lose weight and look a certain way. The worst part is that that certain look is never defined or hinted at. Just that if you have weight to lose or if you think you might or if you simply don't like how you look then you have work to do before you can get freedom.

Right at the beginning Hoda says 'Congratulations!! How Amazing!!' and Kathie Lee says "You look beautiful!!" And all I can think is "Did she truly look so horrendous and awful before??"

This is the whole thing about this weight-loss debate that gets me. Who decided what is the 'right' size to be? Who decided what women should weigh? Why does it vary so incredibly wildly across various cultures?? And, why have we all bought into this idea that we are 'over'weight if we don't fit nicely into a certain box on a chart that was created like 40-50 years ago?? 100 years ago women were expected to have 19 inch waists and would physically injure themselves permanently to get and keep that waist!

I understand that a physical human frame of bones and muscles and filled with all our vagary of organs can only tolerate so much abuse and misuse before it starts to quit. I agree that carrying around an extra 100 pounds is hard on the body in a myriad of ways. I agree that to be stuck in your house because you carry an extra 300, 400, 500 or more pounds is no healthy way to live. However, a wonderful dear friend of mine has recently put on I think like 20 pounds and she looks just as wonderful to me as she ever did before. Further her husband loves her deeply and has probably not even really noticed the weight, in fact he may even appreciate it. I don't know. They have had a few major changes in their life in the last year (all good changes ultimately, but all change creates stresses) so it is, in my opinion, absolutely acceptable for her to have put on a few pounds in her efforts to adapt to her new life and cope with the new stressors. Granted, we all ought to be relying on God for that and we ought to be looking to him to give us what we need to cope and we ought to be finding our comfort and identity and peace him Him. But when you have that down pat for all the stressors in YOUR life, then write a book, make a few million dollars and then argue with me.

I, myself, starting at about 188 pounds today, according to those wonderful, lovely charts have a minimum of 50 pounds to lose to get to 135ish which is the top range for my 5'2" height. Considering I do not have particularly large bones I probably ought to be shooting for another 10 and have a goal weight of 125. I weighed a bit less than that in high school, so I know what I look like at that weight. However, the life I lead and the choices I choose (Coke over water, sugar over sweetner, cookies over carrots) keep me at this weight. I try to be active and I try to make good choices when I can, but, clearly, this is a losing battle for me, at this time.

Now, here is what gets me. Why exactly 'should' I weigh 130?? Who says I should?? Why do I believe them?? Why do we assume that whomever set up those charts in the first place had any idea what they were talking about?? Why do we allow them to define our self-respect, our level of worth and the ceiling to which we can aspire?? Why does the only path to freedom require losing 50 pounds???

I spend a lot of time with family and close of friends. I work 40 hours a week. I go to church at least 3 out of 4 sundays. I do watch a lot of TV, but at minimum half of it is 'bonding' time that I spend with someone I am close to. I watch 3 shows right now with my mom. I don't care what you think of cable tv or my lifestyle I am absolutely unwilling to give all 3 of them up right now to spend more time in the gym to reach this potentially unreachable goal. And one of those 3 shows is Biggest Loser .... how's that for irony!

A lot of the time I love my life. I do the things I enjoy and I enjoy the people who get me and I make it a point to try to live as fully as I can in any moment. Most moments that does not include a work out tape or carrot sticks. So, why can't I find freedom exactly where I am right now?? The bible says that Jesus came to set the Captives Free! Not that he came to set the Skinny Captives Free ... or even that he came to set the 'Healthy' Captives Free! All of them.

ALL OF US!

I know some would then argue that once you have been set free, that the weight should naturally drop off because you will 'naturally' eat less junk food and work out more in appreciation of that freedom. Really?? Cause I tend to think that although I might have a bit more bounce in my step that the true effect of my freedom would be laughter. I laugh. A lot. Loudly. I would think because of my personality and the intricacies which HE placed inside of my character that the freedom would manifest itself individually. For me, that may include more celebrations. More Reward Chocolate. More Enjoyment Coca-Cola. More Celebratory Chinese.

Because for me, as a single woman who lives alone, there isn't another person here to give me a hug or a pat on the back. As a woman who can just exactly pay her bills with a few bucks left over I can't buy myself flowers every time I want to celebrate. And, I don't care what anyone says, going for a walk will NEVER compare to sitting down and enjoying a perfectly doctored cup of coffee.

I'm just tired of the absolutism that exists about weight. I often joke that

I'd rather be Fat and Happy
than Skinny and Miserable.
I'd like to be Skinny and Happy,
but if those are the choices, mine is made.

And that seems to be true for most of our society. They assume that because I carry an extra 50+ pounds around I must have some big psychological issue lurking unaddressed. I know people, personally, who probably think that God and I have some MAJOR problem because I continue to struggle with this weight year after year after year and, clearly, I am unrepentant of something or I would have been set free already. I love wearing high heels, and I wonder if people look at me and think I look like a pig on ice skates. Sometimes I feel that way myself. But does that stop me from eating the extra bit of brownie? nope.

I'm just so sick and tired of this whole debate even existing any more. Why can't I BE a size 16 and enjoy life to the FULL? Why can't I enjoy my sugar-laden coffee and have a good man by my side? Why can't I perk myself up in the afternoons with a Coke and have a successful side business? Why can't I have it all and weigh 188?? Why shouldn't I have it all just because I would rather eat chocolate cupcakes than walk on a treadmill for hours upon hours upon hours??

I don't know why. So, I'm going to. Starting tonight, I am going to do EXACTLY that. I am going to go and enjoy every single second of every single moment that I can. And if that means I eat too much Chicken Tortelloni Pomodoro because it tastes just THAT fantastic, so be it. And if that means that I sit in a chair and do nothing but laugh and cry with my mom while we watch The Amazing Race. Then so be it. And if that means that I live my remaining days as a Single Woman because no man can see past my size 16 pants to my Size 100 Heart, then so be it.

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret
lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
~Maya Angelou

Millionaire Matchmaker on Bravo

Have you seen Patti yet? (Their website) She says she is like a 2nd or 3rd generation matchmaker. She says she is in it to help men find true love. She is absolutely NOT interested in men who are looking to get laid or who want to be a playah. She has certain rules and she is very clear on these and very very strict about them. I can respect that. I can also respect that once you hit a 'Millionaire' status in life, it may be a little more difficult to meet someone who is sincerely interested in you as a person. So on a few levels I have a healthy respect for this show and what she does. Especially after she totally kicked a guy out of her office after his first date because 1) he invited the girl to jet off to Vegas with him, on the first date and 2) He told Patti he thought the girl should ask him out since she turned down his Vegas offer. She clearly has standards and expectations.

The Thing Is that I have never seen a woman on this show larger than a size ... 8? Even her two assistants are very small. She even went so far as to tell her staff at one point that a girl who sends in only a head shot photo is going to be perceived as fat and trying to hide it. My true issue with that is not the weight-ism that it perpetuates but the fact that I, myself, have dated men who liked curvy women, who liked women that had some meat on their bones. So, what is she gonna do when she gets a Millionaire Bachelor who wants a girl who was built for pleasure, not speed. How do you put out the ad that says 'Hey, we're looking for the heavy girls, 'cause I finally have a guy who isn't totally hung up on a girl who looks fantastic!!' Because, let's be honest here, no matter how good you look now ... in 50 years you are not going to look like that anymore. Even if you have a ton of work done, and you work out for hours every day, and you use all the best potions to keep the wrinkles away and the parts firm and where they belong ... in 50 years it is simply not possible for you to look like you did when you were 25. And where does that leave your relationship at? You better hope to Gawd that you actually built it on something of value and worth that can withstand that test of time.

I went to the website to see if I could get a picture of Patti and saw a slideshow of her 10 top quotes. One of them was,

"Every 10 expects a 10, and the only way you're gonna get a 10 is if you become a 10. There's no exception to that rule."

Really? What if I'm only a 7 and I want another 7, how do I find him? And what if he thinks he's a 10 and he only wants a 10, but he's really barely a 4? Then what? Being a millionaire does not automatically make you a 10. ok? Are we clear on this? Because I've seen this show a few times. And by far, the majority of your bachelors are 6 maybe 7 tops. So, don't come at me with this 'like draws like' idea because I am significantly better than half the guys you've had on the show! I said it. I believe it. I won't take it back and I won't feel ashamed about it. I am a size 16/18, single, 30-something woman who is gainfully employed, pursuing a dream, supporting herself, and trying her darndest to remain open to the possibilities of love in this godforsaken country. I am beyond willing to consider dating an older man, who is not gorgeous, who is not rich, who is not even thin or fit or in shape or any other euphemism for ripped. I am actually looking for a man who has character and substance and integrity and believes women are people who deserve to be treated well and understands that when you treat a woman well she does the same right back to you. At least half the men on your show won't even consider dating a woman over 30 ..... and most of them are OVER 40!! Are you kidding me??

I have seriously considered figuring out how to get into a Millionaire's Club. There was one guy who ended up with this ridiculous, shallow, surprisingly unattractive woman and all I could think was

"If he picked her, ... I am totally set!"

But the sizeist thing is a problem. Plus the Jesus thing. But I figure, if I'm gonna keep holding out for the best relationship for ME, then why not hold out for a richie too? I said it in an old post on my previous blog, I would be a perfect richie girlfriend/wife. I'm not a gold digger, I won't stick around if you're a jerk, I can be pampered with money, but my heart cannot be bought. So, why shouldn't I hold out for Kenny Chesney? Or Carmine Giovinazzio? Or even George Eads? I'm sure that they are looking for real, lasting love; or that they will be eventually. So, why shouldn't they find an amazing, down-to-earth, REAL woman like me? How? I have absolutely no freakin idea, but why not?

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not going to ignore an average joe if I meet one today or next week or next month. But why rule out the possibility of a life of fair ease where I could spend my days sleeping in and directing his charity work? Why not? I'm smart enough, and pretty enough, and strong enough, and gosh darn it, people like me!

Patti, if you happen to read this, let me know, I'd LOVE to be in your club and be the first Average Size Woman that you match with a millionaire. In fact, you don't even have to put us on TV, if you find a Millionaire who wants curves, I got 'em. Give me a call, mkay?

The Women

Watched this movie tonight. I kind of wish I'd watched it long ago, like when it first came out. But I heard mediocre reviews, so I waited until the mood struck. Then I rented it. Then I waited til the night it was due and the pressure was on, and watched it. I love Meg Ryan's old stuff. Some of her new stuff I'm not a huge fan of, so I really wasn't sure what to expect. I was very pleasantly surprised.

And inspired. I absolutely love movies where a woman takes hold of her destiny and forges her path and pursues her dreams and achieves all her goals, on her own terms. They are some of my favorites. Especially when there is some romance involved, not the case here.

In this one Meg Ryan's character ends up designing a clothing line, something she has always wanted to do. And, after a very successful opening show she essentially turns down an offer from the Buyer at Saks.

I get that lovely tight feeling in my chest in moments like that. I get that feeling every few months, if I'm lucky. And it always creates two things. One an incredible depth of gratitude for the blessings I enjoy regularly. Stability. Family. Friends. A depth of love unimaginable. A material blessing far beyond the vast majority of those in this world. Hope. And it makes me ask myself what my dream is. If I were to do what she does, if I were to 'do it my way' and pursue my most secret dreams, what would I be doing? If you read the previous post then you know my dreams are many and wildly varied and almost categorically unpursued and neglected. But that lovely feeling, it makes me wonder. It makes me ask and answer myself. And it sometimes makes me pursue that dream, even if only for a night.

I find value in that. In the simple pursuit. Maybe I won't ever apply to the UN or work in a 3rd world country or even get around to volunteering in my own local community. But, that simple pursuit is still much more than most of the people I know ever get around to doing. Heck the dreaming is more than most women ever get around to.

We've been talking about the book of Joshua in church the last couple of months. And Pastor has gone on and on ad nauseum (not really, but how often do you get to say ad nauseum) about 'Your Promised Land.' And what 'The Promised Land' is for you, personally. And we have this very handy printed page to job notes on regarding that question exactly. Condensed it looks like this:
My Promised Land
Is My Promised Land clearly defined?
Do I have the Right Habits to get there and stay there?
Do I have the Right Attitude to get there and stay there?
Do I have the Right Knowlege to get there and stay there?
Do I have the Right Relationships to get there and stay there?
Do I have the Right Resources to get there and stay there?

And last week I was pondering this whole idea of "My Promised Land" while he was preaching and I decided to release the 'minds eye picture' of my ultimate dream and break it down to the baseline of what that represents. I wrote down "I want to have a Ministry of Exhortation." According to Merriam Webster To exhort is to incite by argument or advice, urge strongly, to give warnings or advice, make urgent appeals.

I know well the power of words. I know well the influence a well placed word has had in my world. I also know well the damage an errant slip of the tongue can wreak. I have been on both sides of this at various points in my life. I will be the first to admit I do not have my tongue under any sort of true control most of the time. ( I confess, I swear like a hungover sailor ) But I do try my best to pour encouragement and love into people. At the same time I try to push them to be willing to make changes and consider a different point of view and pursue their wishes and dreams and see beyond today or this week or even this year to the eternity that awaits. Sometimes I admit I am incredibly selfish and shallow and self-serving and just plain want to talk about ME. But there are a lot of times when I literally feel like I am pouring myself into someone else, into their situation, into their struggles, into their dreams and fears. And when I can do that and walk away feeling like they have a bit more hope than when they started, I stand taller and walk prouder and smile bigger.

So I get to the end of The Women and I think, If I were to do that what would I be pursuing?

I would write.

I have journaled since I was a child. I thoroughly, thoroughly, deeply, incredibly enjoy writing heart-felt letters and notes to friends for special occasions. I especially love my profound entries here. I admit, I have a special soft spot for my funny anecdotes, but the serious stuff is what gives me that sweet, special tightness of chest.

And I write all this out and I get that exact feeling and I think 'Why don't I write more often of what is on my heart?'

Why?

Because I'm scizophrenic. No, not really. But I do feel like I have different personalities. I feel like here I am one version of my self. On twitter I am something else. On Facebook I am something different still. And because I swear like a sailor and I have an incredibly dry and often irreverent sense of humor and I am easily one of the most random people most of my friends have ever met, I don't feel like I can be all those things in one place. I read The Pioneer Woman and occasionally Dooce and I wonder how much effort and profundity and time it would take for me to get to that point. The point where someone (anyone) will pay me simply to write.

Problem number two is I'm incredibly, deeply moody. I'm moody about foods and movies and music and topics and writing and just about everything. I refuse to try a new food until I am actually in the 'mood' to try it because otherwise I can guarantee I won't like it. It took me at least 3 months to figure out I liked whole wheat pasta. I am just as moody about movies. Which is why my reviews for The Christian Manifesto are so sporadic. I have to be in the right mooooooooooood for a movie or it doesn't stand a chance of a fair review. And to somehow fit my profundity and amusement and dreams into a box that says 'write once a week. write 3x a week. write every time you have something to say' almost kills the desire altogether.

And, then, I do that. I talk myself out of it before I've ever begun. That's how I avoid pursuing most of my dreams. I look up job openings on the UN website and think 'I'm not qualified ... and I don't think I'd like living in NYC.' I look up degree programs to return to school and pursue and think 'I won't qualify for any aid so I can't afford it anyway.' I start a direct sales business and when it doesn't simply take off immediately I say 'well, I will probably kill it horribly eventually anyway, so just let it be a few bucks now and again until they stop paying you.' I watch this lovely movie and feel the bug and sit down here at 11 at night and type for a half hour and compose this piece and tell myself 'we should blog more often. we should start a blogger blog 'cause that's easier for people to find and follow and friend. we should write at least 3x a week. ohhhhh i wonder what templates they have available.' and i get 30 minutes in and think '3x a week? are you crazy? You don't do anything 3x a week that you don't get paid money in the bank to do.' But why not? Why not spend my time writing and sharing my opinions and my anecdotes and my wisdom with the masses? Why spend hours (yeah, probably, literally, hours) a day screwing around with a virtual (i.e. FAKE!) pet on Facebook instead of attempting at the most minimal level to pursue some version of your dream??

Why not? Because I am absolutely horrified of failing and equally unequivocally terrified of succeeding wildly. Because I don't even know what that success would look like. And if there is one thing I do not like ... it is change.

So, I'm going to post this, and I'm going to go play on blogger, and maybe possibly potentially someday in the not so distant future I will post something here saying I've moved over there. for tonight, au revoir. Sweet Dreams.