I put a status up on facebook last week that said:
watching big loser. wishing i had someone to tell me they believed in me. They believed I could do anything. they believe I could lose 60 pounds. They believed I could write a beautiful, publishable New York times bestselling novel. They believe love can find me. :'(
And, yes, there was a fair amount of "fishing for compliments" in my allowing myself to publish it. Because when was the last time you told someone you were proud of them? That you believed in them? When was the last time you said it without cynicism or a voice in your head telling you that you're "supposed" to say that whether you truly believe it or not?
That's the thing I love about Bob and Jillian, when they SAY they believe in you, they do. You can read it in their faces. If they will say that to you, they truly and absolutely believe that you CAN do whatever they are asking you to do. That you DO actually have more potential than you are using. But we, the rest of us, in reality, we never say that to people. I don't think I ever have.
I was pondering some things tonight. I've another idea. Another Dream I'm dreaming. And I'm pondering the possibilities, probabilities and problems and logistics of it. Do I want to try? Do I want to go for it? Am I willing to sacrifice X to get Y? Not sure. But a song came on the radio and it struck me and I paid attention awhile, and sang along. Then another song came on, and I left my volume cranked and I considered the words of that song.
And I remembered. I remembered a time when I felt so close to God that I truly meant it when I said Better is One Day in Your (God's) Courts than A Thousand elsewhere. Intellectually I still mean it, but emotionally I am mired elsewhere right now. And I don't like Elsewhere. So i prayed.
And something dawned on me. I don't feel worthy. Of anything good or worthwhile or decent or lovely.
I don't feel worthy enough to even try doing the work this change would require.
I don't feel worthy of the kind of love I'm looking for. The kind of eternal, built on Jesus, he thinks I hung the moon kind of love.
I don't feel worthwhile enough to even try losing some weight and getting healthy. What's the point? I'm doomed aren't I? Even if I could get skinny for awhile, I like my Culver's so I'd gain it all back anyway. Why set myself up for that level of failure?
I don't feel worthy of a life well lived.
I don't feel worthy to even admit I feel unworthy. I hear Steven Curtis Chapman on my radio singing about Cinderella and I remember that he is living with one less Cinderella than he had 2 years ago. His family is still hurting from a missing child that was tragically killed a year and a half ago. And that doesn't even get started on Haiti. Who am I to whine and complain about my meager problems and inadequacies?
And yet, intellectually, I know that we can't compare to one another. Steven Curtis Chapman's loss doesn't actually make my day any better. It doesn't lessen my pain. It distracts me. It can help me gain perspective, but if my arm is still broke, my arm is still broke. Finding out your leg is shattered doesn't make my broken arm any less broke.
I thought to myself, You'd think after 13 years of this life with Christ of growing with him of living with him of turning to him nearly daily that I'd have worked out this worthless thing. And yet I haven't. I still not only feel worthless of all the things above, but I feel worthless to him. Like why should he bother to help me? I scream at him and i yell at him and I tell him to leave me alone and I act like a spoiled 3 year old when I don't get my way. So why should he bother to give me anything at all? I know that all of his gifts are good and that every good thing we have has come from him .... but no parent in their right mind rewards a spoiled 3 year old's temper tantrum. So why should I expect anything different than what I have? I believe you reap what you sow, I'm simply reaping the harvest I've sown over the last few years and beyond. Nothing changes overnight.
I signed up for a dating service this weekend. And I shared a few of my insecurities with a couple of friends. They basically discounted what I was saying and contradicted me, and I try to receive the intent and love behind what they say. But they don't hear what goes on in my head. They don't hear the ridiculously terrible things I call strangers who have done nothing truly heinous to me. They don't know the truest depths of my worst traits. So, how can they truly know if I'm worthy of the attention of this guy or that one?
And that is what nearly makes me regret paying for the dating service. Is all of this enough to make me not even READY for a relationship? If a great guy came along, would I even know what to do with him? I told friends tonight that a part of me is truly afraid that one of the guys I'm talking to isn't actually interested in me. That there is some juvenile high-school-jock prank going on and i'll end up the butt of the joke. Why? Because I guess I feel like that is what I would deserve.
I'd like to say I'm just over tired. Or moody. Or "moody" And I'm a little tired. But, moreso than that, I think I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of arguing. Of feeling like I need to make you understand the ugliness inside me. Tired of feeling alone, but too tired to put myself out there for someone else to help relieve some of this burden.
And even now I think "What would possess me to think any man in his right mind would willingly and intentionally sign up for a lifetime of dealing with me and all this garbage I just poured out???????" And I'm at a loss. I don't have an answer. And I don't have a conclusion. And I'm not sure if I'm done crying yet. But I guess I am done sharing this, for now. Too bad someone doesn't start a support group for this .... but then, would any of us bother to come?