Saturday, June 5, 2010

forget the rain, self-pity go away!

No more resolutions.

No more goals.

No more ridiculous nonsense.

As many a friend would tell me (mostly men/husbands) if I posted it on facebook,
in the eternal words of the Oh So Wise One
There is no try, there is only do.

Or something like that.

I did WriteCamp today. Was interesting. last session was very informative. Middle session was encouraging. Lovely day spent with friends.

Saw a couple of men who might have had potential. Except that they showed no interest by the end of the day, therefore they get eliminated from my list of possiblities. Plus, I found out at the END of the day that the prime suspect is married with a kid on the way. (Dam!)

and seeing those men reminds me as it always does, that I'm single. I'm (now) 32 and still single. Gawd, that almost physically hurts to actually put in writing, together. I have moments where I wonder if it's actually worth it or not. I am fully aware that I am utterly and completely delusional about what married life would be like. My daydreams and fantasies about it only consist of the very best parts of the very best days.

I've had a roommate for almost 4 months now. Very long story, not worth the telling. But suffice it to say that I have learned I don't enjoy other people in my space. Breathing my air. Using my water. Sitting on my chair. Using my coasters, well moving my coasters really. But I wonder how much love I would have to have for someone before I am able to stop myself from snarling before 9 am.

I come home, unpack (yay for me!! I never unpack everything right away!!), and check into facebook. I must go reopen my restaurant!!! And I am reminded that a young woman I know got married last night. She is, of course, as one would expect, ECSTATIC. And in my heart of hearts, I am happy for her. It's a funny thing. This ability to sincerely be happy for her and her joy and simultaneously feel a knife in my heart for what I still lack. Not just the relationship. Goals. Plans. Dreams. Progress!

And then I come across a reality check. And I am reminded.

Apparently a friend from college will require a "minimally" invasive 5 hour spinal surgery. I know nothing more than that since I haven't seen her or her family in at least 10 years. But I still pray for them. Any surgery carries risks. Spinal surgery carries an extra series of risks.

I am reminded that people are sometimes mean to each other.

That teenagers can't see past next month, ..... if they can even get that far.

And I remember. My mom's best friend passed away over 2 years ago. And I remember thinking after she passed not to sweat the small stuff, cause it's just plain not worth it. I remember my mom's hurt, that she shared last week when it would have been her friend's birthday.

and I try. Try to count my blessings. Try to remind myself of the fullness that is true in my life. Of the excess I have. And I don't mean the 20 pounds of Santa Belly. Of the abundance in my spirit. Of the potential in my bank account. Of the health of my body and mind. Of the typicalness of my upbringing and psyche.

Of how deeply, truly, greatly loved I am. By a Creator. By friends who know my wit and my smile. By closest friends who know the deepest wells of my heart and my faults and frailties. By family who acknowledge and claim me.

Remind myself that I am loved. I am cherished. Cared for. Beloved.

That He chose to sacrifice, die, and love me! In my ridiculous nonsense. My failures. My weaknesses. My idiosyncracies. My cruel, mean soul. ME! Loved!

And I am laughing. Reminded of my best feature. My best side. His favorite sound. My Laughter.

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