A friend asked me for an update on how my Dr appt went.
I thought a few times this week about posting how it all went etc etc etc.
and each time, I couldn't quite bring myself to do it.
for two reasons. First and foremost I'm actually in a moderately bad place, so I don't want to do anything that remotely resembles any form of productivity. Secondly, and much more importantly, I have realized I have a surprising amount of guilt floating around my cranium.
Last night I spent hanging out with my wonderful and lovely neighbors. Eating their free chocolate cake and some pasta salad. Capped off by an episode or two of Will & Grace, our shared addiction. And I left about 9:45 cause i could just feel I needed to get home. I needed to get alone. It was an episode where Grace buys a piano to "keep" her and Will together. When it sorta doesn't work Will sings to her. Scene below
And it's an incredibly sweet scene.
and, as the poignant moments always do, makes me sad for what I don't have. (in fact, watching that again just made me tear up.)
I got home and got on the 'net .... cause that's what I do. and decided to look for a counselor. (somehow it feels less One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest to say Counselor and not therapist.) And I have this idea in my head ... and a limit on my insurance, and I looked through a handful of websites for local people and just suddenly couldn't handle it. It was too much. I sat here and cried, just a little for once, and kept thinking, as I have very often these last couple of months
This shouldn't be this hard!
And it shouldn't. I wonder sometimes if 'normal' people realize how good they have it.
I went to the doctor on Monday morning. My wonderful, amazing doctor, whom I would probably try to steal from his wife, kids and dog if I thought I had a snowman's chance in hell. I told them what I was coming in for so he had some heads up. He asked how I was doing, and called me 'kid.' which was surprisingly endearing. And I choked up a little bit and said that I realized a few years back that I was struggling with depression and then realized I'd been struggling most of my life with it. But that usually I cycle in and out of bad spells within a few days or a week. But this time it's been pretty tough since around the 1st of the year. And how I read this book by Chonda Pierce and a friend sat with me and watched her video, and I bawled through the video. And how the last chapter of the book is Get Help and start with your physician to rule out other possible problems in your body, like thyroid or hormones. He said, "yep, ok, I'm going to prescribe X and we're going to do 3 months. Here is why I like this medicine, it's what I was on (!), and it doesn't have x, y or z side effects. And I'm going to prescribe A for the ulcer, which we're going to do for 3 months to fix and heal and prevent. And I want to see you back here in a month. If you want to see a counselor, I'd recommend it. If the counselor is seeing you regularly and never says anything more than And how does that make you feel? then they are useless. (which I agree with) But I want to see you back here in a month. I'm going to set up these prescriptions to go to pharmacyA and I'm going to order some blood work, just to rule some possible things out. But I should have those results back by the end of the day. If anything is really off, I'll call you. otherwise we'll just mail you the results. But I want to see you back here in One Month."
And I could breathe. And I felt hope. And then they couldn't get a good vein to take blood in.
So I had to fast a 2nd night in a row and go to the hospital the next morning and have my lovely friend Stephanie do the draw. Which almost knocked me out, as usual, but not quite. Makes for yet another good story though.
Then I had a good day at work. And spent half the afternoon thinking ... Maybe ...
Maybe I don't really need meds.
Maybe I just needed to say it out loud.
Maybe I just needed to get bloodwork ordered.
Maybe I have turned the corner.
Did much the same on Tuesday, and got 100% caught up at work. Which felt GREAT. then went to PharmacyA to try gettin the meds. Doc had said he's sending it there cause they do scrips for $3. I have exactly $6 cash in my purse and no money worth speaking of in any accounts. When I found out it was going to be much closer to $30 a month, I had to tell them not only could I not pick up anything right now, but that they could repackage for a single month for when I go back on Friday. Cause that's gonna be a stretch this paycheck.
And I walked out thinking
This shouldn't be this hard!
And reminded myself that this moment, this second, right here, this feeling, is why you do need to start the meds and commit to the meds and go the 3 months and really let them try to help you.
and then last night is where I started this whole post. A lovely evening with good friends. And I still came home and cried.
Tonight, I just chilled here alone. Helped momma with some computer stuff over the phone. Putzed with blogger's template builder thing, which is why my background looks different again. And nearly cried a few times writing all this. In fact, I did shed a tear or two. and could again at the drop of a hat. Of course, that could be the pms talking. but we're not gonna go there right now, it won't be safe for anyone. ;)
I would still appreciate all prayers toward helping me find a good counselor who will actually be able to help me. And that I'm open-minded a bit about some of them cause I tend to knee-jerk decide if they're gonna work. And that's just based on photos on the internet! But, I don't have an unlimited amount of insurance coverage to work with. So I'm hoping I can hit the right one first thing.
Oh, and I also want to mention. Thank you all so much for the incredible response I got to my last two posts. The original post on depression created a surprising amount of encouragement and support from a couple of surprising sources. And then my request for support on that crazy commenter was even more encouraging. It helps to be reminded that I am cared about and noticed. This depression thing tends to be isolating. So thank you so much for your caring words and kind suggestions. They went deep and are much appreciated.