I did not expect to be hit between the eyes and solar plexus in two separate moments on two separate topics.
I feel oddly deflated. One thought should be freeing. The other should be encouraging. At the moment, the encouraging one makes me want to cry.
A bit counter productive and very counter intuitive.
In the movie Julia Roberts plays Liz Gilbert, this woman who had written a book or two at least. She was married and realized it wasn't working and decided to pursue a divorce. I'm sure various uber conservative groups would lambast her for this decision, but please let's set that aside and see her bigger journey. What's done is done, the divorce happened, it's already long past, let's move on. She decides after her following relationship fails as well to take a year off and travel the world. She's going to spend a few months in Italy and then on to an Ashram in India of a certain guru she admires, and then back to Bali. The place where the whole thing started.
I admire her through he entirety of the movie. Her courage. Her awareness that this is something she needs to do but at the same time something that is quite crazy and outside our standard cultural norms. but not only does she travel for the experience of it, she truly immerses herself in the place she is occupying. Which is a lesson all it's own.
One of the bits that hit me was when she was in the Ashram in India. You'll have to ask me about that sometime because that one is not the focus of this post.
A light, slightly comedic moment with the man she is building a relationship with in Bali is the one that is currently making me tear up.
Javier Bardem's character, her boyfriend, has just had his palm read by the medicine man that started her down this path over a year prevoiusly. As the medicine man is reading Felipe's palm his wife, sister, friend, companion, whatever she was person makes a comment to Liz that she needs a good man, and he (Felipe) is a good man. As they are leaving Liz says "I am so tired of everyone telling me I need a man." and Felipe looks at her a moment and as he's walking away from her he says
"You don't need a man,
you need a Champion."
And i almost started crying right here. And i mean CRYING. Not the single glistening tear, I'd already shed a few of those on the earlier poignant moment that i may blog about another day if you ask. I'm talking break down in sobs kind of crying. and although I don't think my friend would truly mind, I didn't think it necessary to freak her out or freak out her husband.
I couldn't even think. It just resonated so deeply for me. That is putting words to something I don't think i even realized i was hoping for. Something I hadn't even realized was on my list. Something that is in fact top 4, necessary, absolutely required, under no circumstances can it be compromised.
Which makes last weekend even funnier. Had dinner with friends of my friend. Met another friend of my friend's that I hadn't met before. (enough friends in there for you?) He is newly separated, his wife left him, and he is hitting the bar scene, and all are assuming he is hitting the "post" bar scene as well. So for a couple of painfully obvious reasons i wouldn't want to date him anytime in the near future. However, I caught myself a few times thinking that I wished he were interested, even if I'm not and can't/won't return the interest. One of the things I thought was that it would just be nice to be noticed or even desired. But deeper than that I realized he is not champion material. At least not for me. Not right now.
So, even though i hadn't recognized it yet. Even though I hadn't put words to it yet. Even though it wasn't consciously on my list. I was looking for a champion. I am looking for a champion.
I pondered what that actually meant. For a man to be my champion. As I began defining it, I almost started crying again. I've taken care of myself for so long. I've taken care of others to various degrees for so long. I've defended myself for so long. I've done whatever was required to maintain a life for so long. It would feel ... amazing? fantastic? freeing? to have someone else go to bat for me. Willingly. Happily. Intentionally.
Even in my prior relationships I don't think i ever felt like any of them was a Champion. Granted 3 of them were in high school, so that is kind of expecting a lot. But still.
I can't even say that all of my friends are married to Champions. or even most of them. Maybe I just don't see it, maybe what would speak to me doesn't speak to them anyway. I'm not saying it's good or bad one way or the other, but what I am saying is I have virtually no role models for this. Am I then hoping for a pipe dream to come true? is it like the blond who prays to win the lottery over and over and over until a voice from heaven says "buy a ticket."
and I watch Liz as she navigates this life she is creating. And how she goes after certain things and experiences and immerses herself in places and savors. And I admire. And I think, if I did something like that, could I meet my champion? Could i show that kind of confidence in the journey? Would that be attractive enough to someone? because apparently the high heels aren't doing it on their own.
I don't know where to find romantic love. I don't know where to look. I don't know what to do. But hopefully when I meet a man who is Considerate, who makes me laugh, who loves Jesus above all else, and has Champion in his blood, hopefully when I meet a man like that, I will recognize him and be open to the experience of letting him love me.