Not really entirely, that's just the first song I'm putting on my windows media player for this post. Although it isn't entirely untrue either.
It's just one of those things that you can't translate. But that is likely the bain of the writer's soul, the need to at least try to put those exact things into words.
I logged some of my medication story previously. Sadly it never really got any better. I gave up the first one after a week. Took a couple weeks off due to scheduling and money and tried to get back on. Ended up taking a 2nd med for 3 or maybe 4 weeks ... but only at a quarter dose! That was all I could tolerate before I started getting nauseous again. ***
Then I decided to just call and try getting on something else. I mean there are literally 20+ anti depressants on the market, ONE of them has to work for me, right?? I mean, seriously? Right??
I finally got around to emailing my doctor, only to finally call the day before my twice post poned appointment and be told that although they had gotten my email, they had emailed me back, inside their website system with no outside notification to me that they had answered at all. And their answer was "Come in and talk to the doctor." Um, sorry, no, not spending $25 copay for that conversation. I'm too broke and I, honestly, don't see the trade off value of that particular expense. I need groceries, ya know?
I've been seeing a counselor for a couple of months and she's good. Problem is that she is a block from work so I go on my lunch hour and it feels like all we talk about is work. I feel like I can tolerate that environment, that it is a "limited-term engagement." But my "Life" is not. That is the part I want to fix. My mental hang ups about my business, that is what I want to fix. This obvious inclination to curl up on the couch or settle in front of facebook and zone out for hours on end rather than doing anything productive, that I want to fix. Now don't get me wrong, she has been helpful. She's encouraged me to stand up for myself and given me an outlet for some of the work stress that I'm tired of dumping on my friends. And I believe we will get around to my "Life" but for now we talk about work.
She told me on our last appointment that they have an Advanced Practice Nurse that works with their office and is qualified to prescribe meds. She suggested I consider seeing her since she may (probably) have more experience with antidepressants and their side effects and maybe she'd have a better option for me to try than the previous two. So now I need to check my insurance and make certain she is covered and then make an appoinment to see her. Here's hoping she's not booked til next year!
(update before I even post this - just checked my health insurance website, and although every single psychologist type person at the facility is covered, this Advance Practice Nurse doesn't appear to be. Fan-freaking-tastic. I know, I'll call and see if I can verify or figure it out, but that's more work and more time and effort and I can barely drag myself out of bed and go to work right now!)
so, After 4ish weeks on that stupid quarter dose, I stopped taking it, in prep for switching to something new. Which now appears that it might not be happening at all. And all I can think is
Why does this have to be so damn hard?!?
I said it before, I say it weekly, there is no reason for anything to be "this" hard for no reason. I mean, yeah, if someone's got cancer that's hard, but no one questions your decision to take chemo ...
I did well through November. I really did. Maybe it was the meds still working their way out of my system. Maybe it was the week and a half I spent in sunny, warm Raleigh, NC. Maybe it was the fact that I SUCCESSFULLY completed NaNoWriMo!!!