Saturday, January 8, 2011

So much time, so little focus

Some of you may not be aware, but I lost my job on Dec 2. No, don't cry for me Argentina, I'm doing fine. It was a shock, well more like a stun and there are reasons behind that, reasons that I don't want in print. But suffice it to say, December was ok. Parents helped me out some and I've been approved for Unemployment, so at least I can sleep well knowing I won't lose my apartment or my car or something.

That whole thing aside, I've dreamt of "designing my life" for years now. Dreamt of living by my own schedule and pursuing my dreams. But it was never a real thing. Never a true possibility. Now it is not only a possibility and a real thing, it is my life. And I have to create, from scratch, the life I've only ever dreamt of living.

One of the reasons I never really went hard-core after any of my ideas for income while living my dream life was that I could never figure out a way to fill up an entire day without working. I could tell myself I'd sleep until I woke up rested. I'd have coffee and devotional time with God. But after that it gets squidgy.

I want to work out, movement, exercise, something to wear out my body a little bit so I don't end the day too twitchy to sleep from lack of movement.

I'd write. Every day. 1600 words is my artificial goal, generated from successfully completing NaNoWriMo this year.

I'd work my direct sales business. Selling the amazing skincare products I've been using for years now to other people. Helping people get them at a discount, and even helping some start their own businesses and change their lives.

In recent months I began developing some ideas for creating a consulting business helping companies here in my local area create and maintain a social media footprint.(be kind about that blog, wordpress is 10x harder to build & navigate than blogger & my learning curve isn't what it once was.) Which I immediately am expanding to include helping direct sellers create their own fanpages and utilizing the power of facebook more effectively.

I am also going to apply to the local Technical college to go back to school for a Web Design certificate. It's something I've thought about doing for years and just never had the drive or inclination to pursue. It's a natural next-step beyond the things I'm already starting.

And I'm applying for jobs. Jobs I would take, jobs I am qualified for, jobs that would, in effect, end all the dreams I just shared.

Plus family and friends. I've always dreamt and wished I could see friends more. Do Lunch or visit away an afternoon. Oh, I'm going to paint my sister's bathroom too. And maybe a household project or two for other friends.

And so I find myself sleeping in. Waking rested, which is glorious in itself. Making coffee, eating breakfast and spending some time reading a book of some sort and focusing some time and brainpower on God. And then it all sort of drifts away.

Yesterday I had it all set in my mind. Get up, breakfast, coffee, devotional. Then Writing! And while devotionalizing I got an idea for a blog. So i sat down at my "new" computer to draft the blog. But Facebook was up, so I had to check and see what everyone had been up to. and if I'm going to do that I may as well reopen my restaurant! And check my City! "It'll Only Take a Second." But it never does!!!

Then I check my business email. That takes me awhile because I did a training this week for my L'Bri teammates on Facebook fanpages and i had a few after-thoughts things to take care of. Not to mention slogging through the Google Alerts I have set up and the newsletters I signed myself up for.

Then a friend messages me on google talk and we chat while I'm doing all of this. Then it's been awhile so maybe I should check back into My City because I've now generated some more energy and can do more "work" there.

and I read an email from a blogger I greatly admire and he has given us "dreaming of a different life" types who read his blog a challenge and I take it. And I brainstorm and write down my answers and answer his email etc etc etc. and suddenly it's time to get ready to go to a friend's for a movie night.

And I think
"Where'd my day go???"

And that doesn't include the days I make plans with friends. Monday I babysat for a friend in the morning. Tuesday afternoon I did an emergency babysitting half hour gig for a friend who was in a bind. Wednesday I did a couple hours for a friend who was getting her ultrasound for #3. Thursday I went to visit with another friend that I've lost touch with because we've both been so busy. And I was so looking forward to Friday at home, no plans, no leaving the house til the end of the day, no distractions, just an entire day to focus on my "work."

But I didn't! And it makes me frustrated. And annoyed with myself. And annoyed at "The World" for whatever.

I do recognize one thing in this. I have a VERY hard time saying No. To anyone, about anything. I had a revelation about this inability to say No the other day ... but at this moment what the revelation was, is completely escaping me. Something to do with not ever saying no as a child, and something about "buying" my friend's affections, and something else that is just a sliver in my brain right now, but I'm sure it'll come out again eventually.

And so I make these plans.
"On Monday, I'll start again."
"Tomorrow I'll do it right."
"This week I'll make it happen!"

Today I'll be doing laundry and visiting with my parents so I can see other friends tomorrow night. And Monday will start another new week. A Monday that I don't have any plans until 5:45 pm. And a full week with minimal appointments. Maybe the week to turn my world upside down in the best possible way.

Here's hoping for focus!

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