frustration

If you've never heard of SparkPeople, you're missing out. It is a TOTALLY free fitness and nutrition website. had a free food tracker and fitness tracker as well as tools to track any number of other goals. It also has an AMAZING community of "teams" for every interest and hobby and group under the sun. If you've ever struggled with being healthy or losing weight or getting more active, this is a FANTASTIC site to use. Go check it out, and if you sign up, tell 'em Mousemarie sent you. mmkay?

Having said that they have personal websites and blogs. An acquaintance of mine on the site asked today where I've been hiding. I answered her and then wanted to also blog to share my most recent thoughts. Halfway through the blog it ended up going well beyond my food struggles etc. And I deecided to share it here too. So .... here ya go.
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I have been debating for a week or two if I should intentionally and directly cut back my spark involvement. You know, as opposed to the unintentional, ignoring it I am currently doing. Like going in and changing around my teams and actually writing down that I am pulling back etc.
why?

Because I haven't seen ANY result worth mentioning in like a year or more. I fluctuate with 5 pounds, which wouldn't be so horrible if I didn't have 50 to lose to begin with!

Sometimes I feel like I have so much going on in my mind, work and business and thoughts about safety and security and economy and budget and cooking and tv and friends and parents and sister and blogging and facebook and twitter and and and ... spark just seems to fade towards the bottom of the list. You all demand almost nothing at all from me. Which is simultaneously a blessing and a curse. On the sweet hand there is the knowledge that I can focus my energy and attention elsewhere for awhile. On the sour hand is the knowledge that you could be FANTASTICALLY helpful to me if I *did* what I know I ought.

I put up a blog earlier this week about what a slob I am. And I've watched enough tv talk shows and read enough books to recognize that there is some level of mental reflection in the state of my house. The most interesting thing to me was to actually look up the definitions of the words I started out the blog with. Slob, Sloth and my most favorite indolent. Indolent is defined as "inclination to laziness." At the most basic core, THAT is my problem. I am laziness epitomized. I would rather sit here and stare at the computer screen for HOURS than leave this chair. Especially on a Saturday morning. There are very few things that *move* me on a Saturday morning. Cawfee. bathroom. tv or a good book. or the headache I end up with when I *insist* on staying in bed too long. And today is an absolutely BEAUTIFUL day out. My computer tells me it is 68 (it was 59 like 10 minutes ago, I swear!) the sun is shining there is a lovely breeze. And still I sit here, wallowing in my own filth (I haven't showered yet), staring out the window at the children playing in the yard across the street and listening to the planes from the air show on the other side of town go by.

Can I justify this by explaining that I had a rough week. That by taking my Saturday morning into early afternoons to laze around and do as little as possible I mentally and emotionally re-set so that I can tolerate another sunday amid families and couples (which can be difficult regardless of how much these people love me, truly) to re-set before facing another week of work at a place that doesn't seem to appreciate me on any level nor respect my individuality or personality and what those two things bring specifically to my job. re-set so that I don't have a mental breakdown on Weds afternoon for no apparent reason. Can I justify all this by also telling you that twice this week I went on fairly long bike rides after work. That I am planning on going for a walk with a good friend later today when she gets here. And, that, possibly, I may go on another long bike ride this afternoon after she leaves.

Is that sufficient justification?

On the sweet hand I think it ought to be. I have blogged this week. I have worked in spite of a hard-blow reprimand. I have done business this week. I have loved friends and family this week. I have done a few things to take care of my *self* this week. But on the sour hand I also have eaten a LOT of crap this week. I have put tons of sugar into every cup of coffee. I have had too many sweets, some that I didn't even actually *want* I have sat around and felt sorry for myself rather than DOING something. I have ignored the desires of my heart in favor of CSI:NY.

I am realizing more and more these days that I am quite fearful. that would surprise a lot of people who know me in real life. But I am. I'm not even sure I can or want to share those fears because my friend should be on her way shortly and I still need to shower. And, more importantly, I think it would make me cry. But I fear staying fat because I fear that may result in being alone forever. I fear being alone because I assume that a partner's presence would lend me more security. I fear *working* for myself because what if I fail? I fear taking truly *good* care of myself because what if it doesn't work anyway? what have I accomplished then?

I have no answers. Someone here had asked where I've been hiding and I decided to pop a quick blog up to let y'all know I was still around. And, now, this feels like some of my better writing, so I'm going to copy it into my regular blog and add it there too.

For now, I'm going to go shower so I won't be RANK when my friend gets here.