~day 31~ Intangible

These last 30 days I have written about Hope.  I have written about my perceptions of hope.  I have written about the things that bring me hope.  I have written about the things I hoped would help you see hope in your own life.  More than once in this journey I thought

"But hope is intangible

untouchable

a feeling

like faith

ephemeral "

(mostly because i wanted to use that word)

So what I'm really showing is the evidence of hope.  Like that old quote, I think from Billy Graham,

Can you see the wind? I can't see the wind.  

I can see the effects of the wind, 

but I can't see the wind.

Like faith
or hope
or love
or peace.
"Peace that surpasses understanding."  How do you explain to someone what peace is?
The same way you explain the wind.  The same way you explain faith.  You show evidence.
I have seen hope in so many new places in my life.  In so many new situations.

I am sure I have written about the parable of the King who wanted to know if his kingdom had more weeds or more roses.  He called two servants up and sent them out into his kingdom. One of them was to count the weeds, the other to count the roses.  When they returned the servant charged with counting the weeds was trembling and afraid as he approached the King.  He was greatly dismayed and on the verge of tears.  "Your Highness I am so sorry.  I had hoped to have a different answer for you.  But your kingdom is full of weeds.  From one end to the other."  The King thanked him for his efforts and asked for the 2nd servant to share what he found.  He was full of joy and bound into the King's presence with great joy.  "Your Highness, I counted and counted and counted your roses.  There are so many I lost count many times.  I tried to keep track with stones and marks and nothing worked, there were too many to be counted." (my paraphrase and elaboration).  The moral to this story being: What you look for, you will find.

If you spend your life looking for weeds, you will find weeds.
If you spend your life looking for roses, you will find roses.

I tend to look for weeds.  When left to my own natural bent, I see the bad, the potential for destruction or hurt, the negative possibilities. In spending these 31 days writing about Hope, I had to look for hope.  I forced myself to look for roses instead of weeds.  Through that I realized that I am a more positive person than I thought, certainly more moderate than negative.  As my counselor has told me a number of times, Stop being so hard on yourself.  In so many areas of life I have such a ridiculously high expectation of myself that it would be nearly impossible for me to achieve even if only in one area.  However, I try to achieve this Highest Standard in every area simultaneously.  When I inevitably fail it is more proof that there are more weeds in my kingdom than roses.  Through counseling, good friends, blogging, reading other good writers I am coming to be more gracious with myself.

I am beginning to see that the roses in my world truly do outnumber the weeds greatly.  Even if some of those weeds are the huge nasty ones that someone left alone a week too long because they weren't sure if it was a weed or a flower.  Here is my hope for you, as we look towards this holiday season that becomes so much nonsense, watch for the roses.  Don't focus so much on eliminating the weeds, watch for the roses and enjoy their place in your life.

But as for me, I wil hope continually,

And will Praise you yet more and more

Psalm 71:14

p.s. I will be mostly absent these next 30 days.  I will be writing my 3rd novel, Oblivion, for NaNoWriMo.  If you have enjoyed this series or wish to encourage writers in our pursuit of fiction, click on over to the righthand Sponsorship blog on the site and throw some money at a GREAT organization.

~day 30~ Writing

I forget what post exactly started me reading Chatting at the Sky.  I believe my friend Kelly first suggested it to me.  I knew right away it was a blog I wanted in my reader.  I knew it would encourage me to pursue my writing.  And any other "art" I would decide to try my hand at.  That is how I landed here.  Taking on this challenge of writing every day for a month.  Taking on the challenge of finding 31 things to say on the same basic topic.  Taking on the challenge to talk about hope.

Today was hard. Late night combined with fragile morning combined with "Hormones" combined with a dreary, gloomy day equaled hard.  A few tears shed.  A few laughs shared.  Some prayers spoken.  Today was the first day I truly blanked on what to write.  I had thought of something at some point this afternoon, but as I sat down to write I could not for the life of me remember.  I have one thought I've been ruminating on, but I think it should be my last post in the series, so I'm holding on to it.  I thought about looking at the word Hope in songs or movies.  I thought for a minute I had my idea when I was watching Once Upon a Time on ABC tonite and the main character says something about Hope being the most important thing to still have.  But I can't remember exactly what she said, I don't think the clip will be posted online yet, and it just plain feels cliche.  Not to mention I'm not even sure I can stretch it out into a whole post.

My art, however, I can always stretch out into a full post.  I mentioned to a student last week that I had thought about asking him to edit my book.  He said something about his friend also writing books.  She asked how many I had written, I said 2 1/2.  She giggled and said she'd written 10-12.  I was discouraged for a few minutes as I considered her youth, but then she asked how long my novels were.  "My first one was 55,725 words."  I truly said it without arrogance or attitude.  She immediately responded "You totally have me beat."  Apparently her novels are comparatively quite short.

When my mom heard how long my book was she said "Seriously? Where do you even come up with that much to write about? I can barely write a Thank You card."  Then she read the whole novel.  And, had good things to say about it.  Another good friend, and aspiring writer, also read it and agreed with her.  They both had suggestions and gave me red inked copies back, but overall they liked my story.  Nearly everyone I tell is impressed that I've written a 50,000 word novel.  They're doubly impressed when I say I've done it twice.  (Pun fully intended)

My writing gives me another world to live in for awhile.  Another place to be.  Somewhere else to park my mind for awhile.  I'm an over-thinker.  I way over think nearly everything in life.  I have to have a TV on to fall asleep because otherwise my brain does not stop for over an hour.  Watching movies I love or TV shows I enjoy and reading are all outlets to shut down my over-thinker for awhile and relax.  And writing.  Creating an entire situation for someone to live in and work through releases me from trying to figure out my own messes.  I think I could survive as long as I had one of those options available.  But if you took away all the options I think I'd end up committed to a psych ward somewhere.

As hard as this has been to post every day.  As hard as it has been to think of something new to say about Hope every day.  It has refreshed my hope.  It has reminded me that the more I look for hope, the more I will find hope.  It has renewed my hope-er, that part of my heart and mind that takes care of my hope and keeps it alive. And I am very excited for NaNoWriMo to start tomorrow night.  I'm going to open this novel with an incredibly cliched phrase just so I can write it at midnight to say I started right away and then go to bed.  Tonite, my hope is Harry Potter.  Tomorrow my hope will be Lydia.  Who knows what next month will bring!

~day 29~ Innocence

A friend called a few weeks ago and asked me for a favor.  She has another friend that likes to come and take her daughter for a girls night.  Her daughter is 2 1/2.  She has a son who is 4 1/2.  She called to see if I would come and take him out for awhile so he isn't left behind while his sister goes off with a friend.  Since her kids adore me and her son actually brought that up last time I had been there, I readily agreed.  I proceeded to forget entirely what day that might occur on.  She called today a little after 1.  I was extremely glad that I had not made other plans!

I picked him up and went to McDonald's.  This kid is adorable.  He is all boy and he has his own will that shows up strong from time to time, but he is incredibly sweet and loving.  I got to see the sweet and loving part in full force today.  He wanted a specific toy at McDs and I said "We can ask for it, but they might not have it, so you'll have to take whichever one they give you."  He semi nodded and I fully expected an incident when he opened his happy meal.  He did not get the toy he wanted and he did not freak out in any way shape or form.

I asked him on the way over what he wanted to eat and he said cheeseburger.  I asked if he was going to eat first and then play or if he wanted to play and eat.  At first he said play and eat, but then I suggested eating first because the cheeseburger would get cold.  If he had wanted nuggets or something I would have happily let him eat and play at the same time, because i'm that indulgent friend that has no problem spoiling your kids absolutely rotten before sending them back.  However, when I mentioned the cold cheeseburger possibility he actually agreed.  And then when we got our food and sat down, he happily sat there and with reasonable slowness ate his whole cheeseburger.  And made silly faces etc at the little boy at the next table.  He never asked if he could go play he never whined or complained, nothing.

He made friends with a little girl who was there, the only other kid to play with really, and they played hide-n-seek for a bit.  He played along very nicely!  I noted a few times during the night how polite he was and how obedient he was and I praised him highly for it.  I thought a couple of times what a sweet and well-behaved boy my friend was raising.  And I texted that to her because I knew he had not been so well-behaved earlier in the day.

He hasn't experienced loss yet.  He hasn't been terribly disillusioned by the unfairness of this world yet.  He hasn't endured medical treatments for something he couldn't possibly understand, nor has he had to watch anyone in his life undergo that.  There is a sweetness to that kind of innocence.  Almost like it carries a fragrance or a sound. We lose that as we grow up and experience those things.  And some of it we should lose because in the world we live in, maintaining that degree of innocence is quite dangerous.  But I think we could all be a lot more hopeful if we could simply enjoy a few rounds of hide-n-seek with a new friend. If we could enjoy an afternoon away from our normal routine with a dear one.  If we could walk in whatever weather we have and be glad that we are properly clothed and mobile under our own power and breathing clean air in a safe country.  If we could look at the blue sky and marvel at the shade.  If we could look at the many cloud types and formations and tints and be amazed.  If we could listen to a song and be reminded that we are not alone in this world.  I've heard it said "Hope Springs Eternal."  I think this is most true for the young and innocence.  May you spend your Sunday recapturing the innocence and hope of youth.

~day 28~ End Point

This month of posting has stretched me. A Lot.  Which I've said previously, so I won't harp on it.  After this post goes up I will have 3 more posts and be able to proudly say I blogged every single day for an entire month about Hope.  That sounds kind of impressive.  The novelist in me doesn't think it sounds as impressive as "I completed a 55,725 word novel in 30 days, less than 30 actually."  But, opinions, beholders etc.

Tonite, hope takes the form of knowing there is an end in sight.  I won't be letting anyone down if I don't post anything next Tuesday night.  I won't be adding yet another thing to my lengthy list of things I never bothered to finish (like my last novel currently is).  I can see the end.  I can see the rewards.  I've gotten encouragements. I know this will not last forever.  Yes, I realize this may sound quite dramatic and woe-is-me.  Yes, that sentiment would be an exaggeration for this actual situation.

But in real life, there are a lot of situations in which we lose our hope because we don't see the end.  We don't see things being any different in a month or 3 months or a year.  It is hard to keep hoping for our heart's desire when we can't see any form of fulfillment in our near future.  Especially when we see those around us getting their heart's desires and sometimes their own version of exactly the thing you desire.  It is hard to watch yet another friend, younger than you, get married and you have had exactly 1 date* in 7+ years.  It is hard to go home to an apartment, no matter how lovely, after leaving a friend's beautiful home.  It is hard to listen to someone talk about how easy it was for them to lose baby weight when you can't seem to pry off even a few ounces of cupcake weight.

Much more importantly, it is hard to have hope when a loved one battles for their very life.  Intentionally putting poison in their body that makes them violently ill in the hopes that the poison will only kill the thing inside of them.  It is hard to have hope when you truly have not met any decent, single, available guys within a reasonable age range in years.  It is hard to have hope when you carry something around inside of you that can be managed but not cured.  When there is no cure on the horizon.  When those around you don't even know that you have this thing because it is managed so well your symptoms are nearly imperceptible.  It's hard to live that for very long and keep hope.

I think I can count another blessing in the timing of my Dad's death.  I have struggled to keep hope alive probably for as long as I've struggled against depression.  I will count it a blessing that I, we, didn't have to wait for test results to see if it was working. We didn't have to try another round of this cocktail or that combination and start waiting for test results again.  I tried to have hope in the few weeks that we had.  I'm not sure I was all that successful.  I can hope that the next wedding will be easier.  I can hope that next Father's Day will sting less.   But I don't know how long I could have continued to hope if we would have had to fight for very long.  I don't know how long I could hope if I got a diagnosis of something chronic and/or incurable.

But Tonite? Tonite I can have hope because I only have 3 more posts and then begins my noveling adventure.  I think I'm going to name her Constance.  Constance Marie or possibly Constance Naomi.  We'll see what she has to say next week.

~day 27~ One Thing

I've heard all sorts of things about how to change a habit. I've heard it takes 12 days, 30 days, 45 days, 60 days and maybe even 90 days to change a habit.  I've heard willpower is the way to go (which is total bunk, by the way).  I've heard you have to create a distraction from the habit.  I've heard you should come up with a Bible Verse to "fight" the temptation when it comes. I've heard you have to replace the bad habit with a good habit.

And I've heard you should only change one habit at a time.  That is part of why New Year's Resolutions rarely work.  We fill our heads with these grandiose ideas of how this year will be different.  Of how our life will be Amazing and Perfect if we can just defeat these few mountains in our lives.  But that is all bunk too!  First and foremost, let me point out that even if we defeat these "few" mountains life will not be Perfect.  It won't be Amazing for very long.  But, more pertinent to this post, secondly, we can't possibly make that many changes all at once successfully. I've gone so far as to stop calling them resolutions and set goals instead.  I've even taken those goals and broken them down into chunks and pieces and steps and planned it out.  I've split them across the months of the year so that I'm not trying to fight 5 battles all at once.  And you know what?

I am still significantly overweight.
I still swear too much.
I still haven't memorized more than a half dozen Bible Verses in a single year.  And ask me how many of those I still remember!
I still am not independently wealthy.
I still am not comfortably wealthy.
I still bounce checks at least once or twice a year.
I still have no savings to speak of.
I still have not published a book, nor researched getting published, nor edited the books I have managed to finish.

I keep those lists of goals.  So I can refer back to them.  You know, Someday.  I've looked at them in my moves and rearrangements etc.  There is a common theme through them all.  Change.  I want my life to look different.  I want my home to look different. I want my body to look different.  I want my bank account to look different.  I want my character to look different.

Today I changed one thing.  In order to accommodate that one thing and make it worth changing I had to change 3-4 other things.  I thought about texting it to facebook because I was quite proud of my one change.  But I realized I wanted to store it up for myself for that moment.  As I pondered what I could possibly still have to write about Hope I decided to share this one thing.

I decided to walk on my lunch hour instead of going home and screwing around on facebook for 45 minutes.  In order to do that I had to remember to take walking shoes and clean socks.  I had to put them in a bag and hang it on my door handle or I would for sure and for certain forget them.  Since I wasn't coming home I also had to figure out lunch.  So I had to mix a slim fast shake (I do the powder ones you mix yourself, the pre-canned ones taste icky) and take it with.  I also decided that if I was going to try to do this 'healthy' thing that maybe I shouldn't be drinking 2 cokes a day, every single day and eating 2-5 mini crunch bars a day.  I can only drink coffee at work until it gets ice cold.  I bought a juice smoothie drink thing to take with and open when the coffee got cold, instead of opening a Coke.  Plus, I had to put all that stuff into a bag and remember the bag when I left for work. Then .... are you ready for this?  I actually USED it all AND went for a walk on my lunch!  And, I enjoyed it!  My walk was lovely.  I was not starving most of the day, like I usually am if I try to do the slim-fast thing.  The smoothie was a PERFECT replacement for Coke #1.  And, I just plain felt good about making a good choice.

I've been seeing a counselor for awhile now.  We talked last week about my terrible sleep habits.  One of the things she has repeated to me in various situations regarding a variety of issues and always in a different way, is to not be so absolute with myself.  I have been a very All or Nothing person for a very long time.  If I'm not going to go to bed "early" every night like a Responsible Adult does, then why bother ever doing it? If I'm not going to work out "regularly" then what good could it possibly do me?  If I can't keep up with my checkbook every day or every week like a Good Steward, then why bother trying at all?  But as she so accurately pointed out, you know your schedule, you know your life. You know that Monday nights and Thursday nights are late for you.  So cut yourself some slack.  Go to bed early when you are home early and you can.  Basically, stop beating yourself senseless over the fact that two nights a week you choose something else rather than sleep.  She's told me this 'stop beating yourself up' thing repeatedly.  You'd think I'd be able to start seeing it on my own.  Nope!

So, this week, I went to bed early Tuesday night and tried to go to bed early last night.  Tuesday I ended up not sleeping quite as early as I'd hoped, but still way earlier than I had been previously.  Last night, same thing, but that time I couldn't fall asleep once I was in bed, so I didn't actually get a great night's sleep, but I tried.  Tonite, I am home early from campus so I might just get to bed at a decent time!  We'll see.

Today there is hope in the one choice.  Today I chose to walk at lunch.  I am going to be happy about that.  Even if I don't do it again for MONTHS!  I did it today. And that is worth celebrating.  I've done it once, I know it is possible, I can do it again another day.  Possibly tomorrow.  Who knows!

~day 26~ New Life

A few years ago a movie came out called Children of Men.  A dramatic, apocalyptic type movie.  I am not sure I knew going in what the true storyline was, but I do know I am in love with Clive Owen, and would see just about anything he is in.

If you can resist him, I envy you.  ;)

What the movie is actually about is a world in the future in which women no longer get pregnant or if they do get pregnant they do not carry to term.  There is no scientific reason they can find for this, nothing we "did" to ourselves as a race, and it is a worldwide phenomenon.  The last "baby" has just turned 18 in the opening scenes of the movie.  If I recall he gets mobbed or attacked or something because he is seen as a messiah type figure because he was the last child born on the planet.  Ultimately a woman is found who has conceived naturally and is already at or past 8 months along and Clive's task is to try to get her safely to a place where she can have this child safely.  There are all sorts of political intrigues hinted at but never explained.

All of that explanation to say that babies give me hope.  Hope that God has not given up on us as a race yet.  Hope that there is still love in the world.  Hope that there are still relationships and bonds and connections and commitments.  I have two good friends who are pregnant now and if you compare it against the world in the movie, they are totally taking their pregnancies for granted.  In fact, one of them is so miserably ill she has not enjoyed a single second of her pregnancy.  "Morning Sickness" doesn't even begin to describe what she's endured these last couple of months. 

In fact, we don't even have to make a comparison to such a drastic difference in the world.  I used to work for an adoption agency.  Nearly every family that came to us to build a family through adoption had tried some form of fertility treatment.  I can guarantee that every single one of those women would gladly take the miserable morning sickness my friend has if they knew it was because they had gotten pregnant. 

I hate winter.  I hate being cold.  I hate the months on end of gloominess.  I hate getting off work in the dark.   The only up side to winter is cuddling, which isn't even an up side for me since I have no one to cuddle with  except my body pillow ...... and let's just be clear, that is totally not the same.  The only other benefit of winter is the fresh appreciation of spring.  I was especially amused this year, just a week or two ago when we were complaining about having to get out blankets or heavier jackets or sweaters.  Because in March? That exact same temperature is cause not only for celebration, but for shorts and flip flops.  There is hope in more sunshine in a day.  There is hope in melting snow.  There is hope in shedding the excess layers and showing your skin to the sun again.  As long as we have new life, in some form, I think we can keep on hoping.  As long as my African Violets keep blooming, I'll keep hoping.

Violet - my 1st African Violet. She's bloomed at least 5 times in the last 2 years.

~day 25~ Functioning

let me first say, I'm not going to lie. I am *totally* looking forward to being done with this challenge.  I feel like I am out of ideas on hope and yet .... every day I can find some way to recognize the hope in my life and then coherently translate that to all of you.  But I will be ridiculously glad when the 31st is here.  But that doesn't even mean I get a break because November is NaNoWriMo!!  And I have my story idea fermenting!!  Just took my first notes on Yarny this FANTASTIC website I found through the goodness of the NaNo site and maybe Twitter, I forget.  The degree of love I have for Yarny rivals what I might feel for a boyfriend.  Seriously.  If a guy created Yarny and if that guy was single I would TOTALLY date him.  I'd probably stalk him for that matter.  So I'm a little excited about NaNo.  A lot excited about being done with these 31 days.  And inspired enough to share today's thoughts on hope with you.  (side bar, if you have any desire to encourage me to write or help things like NaNo keep running, since they are non-profit entities, click on over this site and on the righthand side is a box you can go "sponsor" me.  Monday can go directly to NaNo.  Give it a shot.  I'll give you a cameo in my book!  You can even tell me who you want to be!  hee hee hee.)


Some days functioning is the max you can sustain.  You have no extra.  You have no room or space or excess. You go to work, you are mostly productive for most of the day, you come home, and on really good days you can do something productive at home before you shut down.  Tonite I did my dishes.  They weren't ridiculous, but I was out of bowls and travel coffee mugs.  Plus, I'm home tonite, may or may not be home tomorrow night, won't be home thurs, probably will be gone fri and .... I'm tired of rinsing out a bowl for the next morning.  Somehow that seems gross, although I can't quite put my finger on why.  But, I digress.

As someone who has struggled with depression for a long time I only now recognize how hard it can be to function.  I told a friend today, a friend who has been through more these last couple years than I have, that to be honest I'm surprised neither one of us is curled up in the fetal position in a closet.   And when I consider the major blows of this year and the stress levels I've had for a few years and the ups and downs of relationships, mostly friendships, but guys too, I amaze myself a bit at how strong I (apparently) am.  I shrug even as I type that, I don't know any other way to be.  But I am coming around to a point of appreciating it. Appreciating who I am and how I have been created.  Appreciating that there is value even in the tasks that are "just functioning."

My bathroom got cleaned three weeks ago, I think it was three.  As did my floors, a bit of dusting and vacuuming.  Before that ..... the toilet got swished a few weeks before that.  I don't remember when I last vacuumed or mopped up my floors.  And I refuse to dust on principle.  There is hope in doing my dishes.  It means I haven't given up entirely on life yet.  I haven't given up on the future.  I still have a sliver of hope, at the least, that tomorrow can be different.  Or maybe just that tomorrow is a new day.  Or maybe even just that today is over and I can crash if I need to.

We don't give ourselves enough credit.  We spend too much time comparing ourselves to everyone around us and not enough time considering how far we've come.  Or giving ourselves a point or whatever for getting that one thing done.  So what if the "to do list" is as long as your arm or fills half a steno pad.  You got that thing done, didn't you? So what if the dishes will start piling up tomorrow? You got the ones that were there done today, right?  So what if you didn't wash that last knife because you didn't find it til you let out your water.  You have other knives.

In a lot of things we compare ourselves to those around us.  But, sometimes, we compare ourselves to our family, how a parent did something or how you were raised to do something.  But who gets to say what is right??  I don't do weekly cleaning.  I'm just not a "clean" person, I don't care.  And because I was raised with weekly cleaning I absorbed the idea that you cleaned everything once a week. So, as an adult I despise cleaning.  I don't want to do it all at once.  It's overwhelming to me.  But, swishing out the toilet every week or two isn't overwhelming.  Sweeping the kitchen when i've dropped one too many things on it, isn't overwhelming.  (confession moment here ....... are you ready???) Keeping an extra toilet brush inside my shower so I can swish out the tub after a shower once in awhile, isn't overwhelming.  But we don't give ourselves permission to make our own rules.  We don't give ourselves credit for the steps we are taking towards continuing to function.  We certainly don't recognize that underlying all of that is a sliver of hope.  Because if you have truly lost hope, then there is no need to do the dishes.  There is no need to clean the toilet. There is no need to change the sheets.  So, if you are still functioning, give yourself credit for what you did.  Even if it was only to get up and go to work.  You still get credit for that.

~Day 24~ Tangible Help

I have spent most of this month talking about the intangible evidences of hope.  About the not visible to the naked eye rays of hope.  Tonite, I realized that hope can be very tangible.  And it is especially vibrant when the tangible thing is an act of goodness or generosity towards someone else.  I will probably have the opportunity in the weeks and months to come to help a friend with a specific need.  I smiled as I considered how to go about accomplishing this task int he weeks to come. 

I know that more than once I have babysat for a friend to allow them to spend a few hours with a spouse and reconnect.

I have helped a few different friends clean, reorganize or rearrange an area of their home.

I have created a CD of beautiful images with Bible verses on them for my students. 

I have purchased countless meals for those students in these years I've been volunteering.

I have shoveled a walk or two.

I have taken meals to new families.

I have helped create newsletters for things at church.

And those are just the material and tangible things I can think of off the top of my head.  That doesn't include praying for others. That doesn't include spending my money on extra gas every week to drive up to whitewater to meet with students.  That doesn't include spending money on conferences or scholarships.  That doesn't include a hug to someone who is hurting, or even just doing any less than spectacular.

Again, if you can do this, you have hope.  If you can allow yourself to refill your gas tank when what you really want is to get cable back so you can sit on your couch and watch useless, brain-numbing television all night every single night, you have hope.  If you can cook a meal for a new family and manage to hold it together and not break down weeping as you hold that brand new bundle of promise, you have hope.  If you can help convert the sanctuary into a reception hall without screaming or throwing things in a fit of frustration, you have hope.  I'm not certain if I'd said it before, but it bears repeating if I have, 

If you can see past your own nose, 

and you choose to look out rather than in,

you have hope.

~day 23~ Nothing lasts forever

We have all sorts of cliches about how things always change.  Nothing Lasts Forever.  Change is Inevitable.  Tomorrow is a New Day.  Because we all know that to be true of life.  99% of things changes over the course of a life.  Usually your name stays the same, but not if you get married or adopted.  Usually your hair color or skin color or eye color stay the same, but not of you dye it or tan or change contacts.  Usually your height and build stay mostly the same, but not if you wear heels, have an accident or gain or lose a large amount of weight.  Usually your family stays the same, but eventually you lose some of them either to death or disagreement.  In my 3 years at the adoption agency I found that the vast majority of people also stayed geographically where they had started, within about a 50 mile radius.  But depending on jobs and callings and relationships that changes too.

Change can be scary and hard and intimidating.  But there is also comfort in change.  There is hope in change.  I can take comfort from recognizing that someday, I will be able to watch a friend get walked down a wedding aisle on her daddy's arm and not want to scream and wail.  Someday I will be able to watch the daddy/daughter dance at a reception and not want to curl up in the fetal position in a closet somewhere.  Someday those things won't sting as badly as they did yesterday.  I am very happy for my friend.  Truly so happy for her.  She has found a match and they made their covenant yesterday and it was beautiful.  And I am so happy for her that she gets to start that journey of life as part of a marriage.  And that is the living, breathing, epitomized definition of bittersweet.  I can be so happy for her, and yet still want to curl up in a ball and weep.

I've heard it said a few different places that you can't feel two emotions at the same time.  Maybe what they mean is two opposite emotions.  Because I could feel happy for my friend yesterday and feel grief over my loss at the same time.  We've all heard of a love/hate relationship.  I can thoroughly enjoy a much too large piece of chocolate cake while also feeling guilty about the overindulgence and what that will mean for my waistline.  I can even be grateful for blessings through our loss while still deeply grieving my dad's death.   We are such complex and emotional beings, why do we buy into it when someone simply states that you can't feel two emotions at once?  We can multitask can't we?  We can cry and laugh at the same time, can't we?  And we've all had that experience of one emotion suddenly sliding into a different emotion unexpectedly.  Laughing so hard with a friend and suddenly being hit with a wave of grief or flash of anger.  Weeping for loss and suddenly remembering a funny story or seeing something ridiculous that makes you laugh.

Change is good.  Ecclesiastes even says it, there is a time for every season.  I can cry for my loss and be happy for my friend's gain.  I can take hope in knowing that someday the pain of my loss won't be quite so sharp as it was yesterday.  I can even take hope in knowing that there are still a few good, decent, Jesus-loving men "out there" that I might just cross paths with someday.  I can take hope in knowing nothing lasts forever.  Hope in knowing that everything changes eventually.  Hope in knowing that tomorrow is a new day.

~day 22~ Laughing yourself silly

Last night I visited a friend and her family.  We sat around a dining room table and ate and laughed.  And then laughed some more.  I don't recall what it was, but I told a joke or a story or someone said something and my friend and I laughed so hard I snorted.  I don't do that very often.  I laugh a lot. I laugh wheezy breathy laughs.  I laugh loud guffaws.  I rarely snort.

Today a good friend got married.  Being older than her and still single combined with this being the first wedding since my dad died I really didn't know how I would handle it.  There were a couple of rough moments for me, but a lot of laughs too.  I sat next to a wonderful friend and her family and we chatted and laughed at little things through nearly the entire ceremony.  We laughed some more as we converted our auditorium type sanctuary into a reception hall.  We laughed while we at.  I laughed with a number of other friends while we were there.

Laughter is good medicine.  Laughter also says you still have hope in life.  If you can be amused by something then you're not too far gone.  If you can watch a sitcom and giggle or even just smile if that's where you're at in your journey, then you can be comforted that you still have some hope left in you.  I'm not going to lie, there have been a lot of days in my life where the hardness and heaviness far outweigh the laughter.  But I am better now than I was a year ago.  Watching my friend dance with her dad to a song written by a man who tragically lost a daughter to a wrong place, wrong time accident was tough, it was super hard.  Hearing her husband vow to be with her "through every loss" was hard.  I thought both times that I might have to simply leave the room and compose myself elsewhere.  But both of those instances are bookended with hearty, good, clean laughs.  Laughing myself silly gives me hope that the future is brighter than it may seem.

~day 21~ Appreciated

For any of you that don't know me in person, I talk a lot.  Like,  A LOT.

A LOT!

I didn't realize this was out of the ordinary until probably college.  There have been a few ongoing reactions to that, and, again, I didn't realize until college or even afterwards that those reactions were not standard for everyone.  I didn't realize until just a few years ago that I had gotten to a point where I didn't like or appreciate or want those reactions, but I had resigned myself to them because I thought there was no alternative.  I thought that to expect an alternative reaction from people would be unfair.

I realize this may all sound very very cryptic.  I got used to people not listening to me.  I got used to them being in my general vicinity and seeming to hear what I was saying, but not actually listening and certainly not truly considering what I was saying or if it would or should have any impact on their life.  Until my friend Nathaniel startled me one day.  I had gone out to have dinner with him and his wife and their kids and I don't even know what it was that we were talking about.  Probably something to do with our church. A week or two later he casually mentions that he has been thinking about what I said and either implemented it or was going to or something.  I stood there truly dumbfounded.  It even took me a minute or two to figure out what that feeling was and why it was so strange to me.

Then I realized how very sad it was that the "norm" for my life was to believe that very few people were actually listening when I talked.  What a sad thing it is to go through every day honestly believing that few people, if any, will be paying attention and truly listening when you open your mouth.

I concede that not only do I talk a lot but I "Chase The Funny."  Meaning I tell stories and nonsense and ridiculousness to get people to laugh.  I am totally not above telling a story about something idiotic I did if I think it will make people laugh.  I imagine that some people get tired of waiting for the conversation to go serious or can't distinguish when I've moved from one to the other.

All of this is to say that I now notice when someone is truly listening.  I notice when someone has taken my opinion or thoughts to heart.  I notice when someone says "I've been thinking about what you said ...."

And, I noticed at a recent meeting with students that the 3 young men in the meeting paid attention.  They heard what I was saying, truly heard it.  Now the topic is not something that can be resolved in a simple conversation amongst a small group of people, but to know that they valued my opinion meant a lot.  It truly did.  So I texted one of them afterwards to thank them for listening to me and valuing my opinion.  I went on to say that I truly appreciate that because it has not always been the case in my life.  As if their listening wasn't enough, the one I texted answered back and said that my opinions come from a caring heart and that should always be considered.  To which I thought:

I LOVE MY STUDENTS!!!

For me, being appreciated is a new thing.  I have not felt appreciated very often or very significantly in my life.  Because being appreciated is a new thing for me, it gives me hope that things are changing.  That I am changing.  That I am not the person I was a year ago or 5 years ago or 10 years ago.  I am becoming more of my truest self.  I'm dropping the bull and the baggage (hey, that sounds like a good book title or maybe another series ... hmmmmmm).  I'm letting my full character and heart shine through my personality.  Somehow those all feel like slightly separate things and my "personality" has never had a problem shining. ;)  Knowing that someone important in my life values my opinion gives me hope.

~day 20~ Knowing your limitations

I am a night owl.

I volunteer twice a week until at least 10 pm, usually 10:30 or 11.

I like to settle in front of a computer for a bit before bed. Sometimes I also want a bit of TV.  Occasionally I convince myself that I can follow that up with a "little bit" of reading before going to sleep.

I also have issues with insomnia.  Sometimes I just plain can't fall asleep.  Sometimes I wake up multiple times in a night for no reason.  Because of this problem I sometimes allow myself to stay up much later than I ought simply because I convince myself that if I stay up too late then I am guaranteed to fall immediately and directly to sleep.

All of these things combined this week to make for a week in which I do not go to bed before midnight once.  A couple of nights it was closer to 1 am than not.  I don't have to be to work until 8, but I am not one of those people who can function on 5 or 6 or even 7 hours of sleep consistently.  I need 7 1/2 or 8 solid hours of good, restful sleep to function well.

Tonite, hope is knowing that I can try to get home at a reasonable hour tomorrow night and can definitely sleep in on Saturday and catch up a bit.  Hope is knowing this is a weakness for me and trying to figure out ways to accommodate it and compensate for it.  Hope is knowing that you all will understand my limitations and accept this short post.  Hope is knowing that agreeing to blog every! single! day! for an entire month is an incredible stretch for me and pushes my limtations. Hope is knowing you will acknowledge my limitation and wish me good rest tonite.

~day 19~ Being Available

I volunteer as a "mentor" for college students at an InterVarsity chapter at my alma mater.  (I put mentor in quotes because it sounds much more official and planned out than what I feel like I actually do).  I meet with as many of the girls in the chapter as I can throughout the semester and just love them.  I try to listen to them, although I often catch myself talking much too much.  I offer them encouragement and sometimes a perspective that they, nor their peers, simply don't have. I very often feel like I am the one getting more out of our meetings than they are.

I have been doing this for almost 2 years and I love it.  I feel like this year I am really finding my groove.  I'm connecting with girls, I'm meeting with a couple of our leaders on an ongoing basis, I had 11 of them down for a movie nite.  Sometimes I sit in our large group and I ache to pray with them.  I want nothing more than to put my arms around them and just hug them.  In those moments I wonder if what I do is worth it.  Does it have any impact. Is it making a difference.  As He has a number of times in the past, God speaks up and shows me ways that it is making a difference.

Two years ago at our winter conference a student I'd gotten to know realized that she was allowing a sin in her life that she didn't want there anymore.  She was allowing something into her heart and mind that was separating her from God.  I sat with her as we sang and held her hand as she cried and dealt with it before God.  I didn't pray for her, I didn't say much of anything, but I was there for her to lean on.

A couple of weeks ago our speaker gave a great message about living for God.  Honestly, I don't really remember most of what he said, but I remember that it held weight in that room.  One of my girls came to me as they sang at the end and asked me how many times God would take her back before he stopped taking her back at all.  I was able to speak truth to her and hug her and pray for her and assure her that He will never leave her or let her go.

Shortly after I started our area director asked me to begin meeting with a specific student who had some pretty major things going on.  I met with her weekly (more or less) for a year and a half.  I know that my role in her life was to speak truth to her.  She would come up with these ideas for things to do or ways to earn money that were not only potentially dangerous but also would be deeply damaging to her as a person.  I knew a couple of times that when she came to me she truly wanted someone to tell her no.  We live in a society where anything goes, everything is okay, you can be whatever you want and do whatever you want with your life.  But we rarely talk about the things that can damage us and hurt us permanently.  No one would tell her that idea, that option, that plan is not a good idea.  And not just because I say so and not just because God says XYZ about whatever.  But because you haven't really thought these sides of this idea out.  You don't realize that will hurt you emotionally.  I could share from my experience and life why those things weren't good ideas.

The 2nd meeting we had there was a young woman there who asked me if I would pray for her.  She is new to school and left a mother behind who relied on her heavily.  That was all she told me.  I prayed with her.  I haven't seen her since.

Sometimes, Hope comes in being available.  Being there for God to use you.  Being out there, living life, doing your thing.  I've heard many times "You can't steer a parked car."  And that's true.  God will have a much much harder time trying to use you and work through your life to impact others if you never leave the 4 walls of your home.  If you go to work and go straight home and never interact with anyone else.  If you live life with your head down just trying to avoid anything that might request time or energy from you.  I concede the base theological point that God can use whomever he wants, that God could steer a parked car, that God can use you if you never leave your home etc.  Each of us is called to something.  Be it big or small doesn't matter.  I'll even concede that some people are called to minister inside the 4 walls of their home, through blogging or the internet or whatever.  My larger point is that even those people are open to working with God.  They are Available for Him to work through.  They are willing to hear from Him and follow what he says.

As long as there are some of us still hearing from Him, still working with Him, still being Available in life, I will have hope.

~day 18~ Persistence, Perseverance, Tenacity

As a logophile I have a hard time not using accurate words.  I struggle, especially in fiction writing, to find the truest word to convey what I mean (even there, I almost used imply, but that isn't quite the same as convey is it?)  I sometimes get stuck while writing trying to figure out the word I am actually looking for.  Tonite I'm tired. beyond tired.  I'd like to say exhausted, but that sounds a little too harsh compared to what the rest of the world will face tonite.

So, tonite, I am not going to look up the definitions of the title words, I'm not going to figure out which one is more appropriate and accurate.  I'm not going to figure out how to work each of them into this post in a pleasing and lyrical way.  I'm too tired.

But tonite I will say that Hope is continuing on.  Hope is forcing yourself to do that thing you agreed to even though you *really* want to just give up and go to bed already.  Hope is being honest with yourself and recognizing that you could have written this post over an hour ago, but instead you started playing facebook games.  Hope is extending yourself grace.  Grace that says I don't have it all together, I don't even have most of it together, but I'm going to write what I know to be true.  I'm going to write what I can tonite and length doesn't matter, profundity doesn't even really matter.  It's the principle of the writing that matters.

Maybe all this is to prepare me to go to town on my novel for NaNoWriMo, Oblivion.  Maybe all this is to help me see the roses rather than the weeds.  Maybe all this is to help me get through this month, this month of Daddy's birthday and the 6 month-versary of his death.  Maybe this is to help some of you see hope where you didn't recognize it before. Again, maybe it's just the principle.  Following through on something I decided to do. Something I chose to do.  Something i knew would be a stretch for me, but also be very good for me.

Tonite Hope is persistence in posting.  Hope is perseverance in writing.  Hope is tenacity in .... continuing to fight to find the right word, and even the write setting for that word.

What is hope to you tonite?

~day 17~ Hope is Connection

I've had a day.  Very very busy day at work. Our secretary took the day off and I was just kind of swamped all day long.  It took until about 4:00 to see the top of my desk again.   And there are still plenty of things to get done.  So, for most of the day I was very involved in the things immediately in front of me.  Little connection with anyone else.  Little connection with people yesterday too.  A couple of moments with friends at church and then the afternoon and evening with only my mom.  Which was good, it was great to watch the Packers win again and finish fixing my Halloween costume.  It just wasn't much in terms of quantity or volume of connection.

Tonite I came to campus and took a student out to supper.  She was so excited to know it was my treat.  I thought I told her that at one point, but maybe not.  Then I bought tea for another one.  We connected.  It was good.  The first one is a freshman who is just getting started in life "on her own."  The other has done quite a bit of traveling and is much more settled in life, even if she won't finish school for a couple more years.  I got to talk to each of them and connect a bit.  I got to know more about who they are, what they believe and where they come from.

That connection always gives me hope.  Hope that the world might be able to avoid that handbasket scenario.  Hope that I am not alone in what I believe.  Hope that God is still at work.  He is still accomplishing his purposes.  Hope that the depression can't overwhelm, won't overtake, doesn't win.  All of those connections that I make every day build me up.  They take me out of my self.  They remind me that not only does the world not revolve around me, but that I'm not alone in this world either.  I need those connections.  I need to cultivate those connections.  For the sake of my mental, emotional and spiritual health.  I need that ongoing reminder that others care about me. That I am a blessing to other's lives.  That they are glad I am a part of their life.  And I can be glad they are a part of my life.

~day 16~ When you're afraid

Something happened in my church this morning.  It scares me.  It shouldn't.  Most of the people in my church don't share my fear and nearly all of them wouldn't understand it. I hold a somewhat unique position in our body.  I am effectively the only single person beyond college age who attends regularly.  There are a few divorced people, but they all have kids so they get plugged in there.  There are a few seniors as well, but they band together a bit and get plugged in with each other.  If I'm not actually, I usually feel like the lone "career-woman." Single Income, No Kids.

Having been that person for so long it surprised me immensely how many people think highly of me and are protective of me. I have not gotten used to that still.  So I am often aware and very conscious of the people, especially men, around me who I believe would step to my defense or assistance if I would need it.  So when this thing happened this morning, it hit me hard.  Much much harder than I expected.

As I knelt there nearly sobbing and obsessively repeating "I'm afraid. I'm so afraid."  God and I began to do some business.  Once I settled enough to actually hear Him I realized he was asking me if I trusted Him.  Did I trust Him to take care of me? Did I trust Him to protect me? Did I trust Him with this?  I took a few moments with that and agreed to lay the situation in His hands.  I agreed to trust Him with my spirit and heart.  I decided to give the situation time and see what God has in store for us.

This is hard.  Incredibly hard.  I am still fairly scared for a number of reasons.  (I'm not concerned for my physical safety or anything like that.  Simple emotional and spiritual concerns only.)  But I am agreeing to Trust Him.  I am agreeing to allow Him time to work and do as He wills.

That takes hope.  Again you have to be able to see the other side where things might be better.  You have to believe that God is who He has said He is.  You have to conclude that He does only give good gifts to His children.  You have to make peace with the fact that He is Soveriegn and that we cannot see the whole picture, nor can we see His end plan.  It takes hope to see those things and say "My Hope is In You."  My hope is not in the human beings that make up the rest of my church.  My hope is not in the programs that we run.  My hope is not in the (wonderful) worship team we have leading us every Sunday.  My hope isn't even in my nearest and dearest friends.  My hope is in God.  He is the only thing that has brought me thus far in life.  He is the only thing that has healed me of so many many things.  He is the only thing that holds me together and allows me another day on this earth.  My hope is in Him.  My trust is in Him.  Even when I am afraid.

~day 15~ Hope is trust

I have a few ideas for other things to write about hope, but none of them seemed to really fit for my mood tonite.  Then I thought for a second about what an odd thing it is to blog.  What a strange thing it is to write out your feelings, your deepest desires, weirdest secrets and rawest parts of your soul and not only expect people to read it, but expect them to handle you with care.  Some of us blog about some pretty heavy stuff.  We don't have to.  We could all write about Pinterest and cool stuff on Etsy.  We could write about the funny thing our kid just said, crazy thing our dad just said or that wax figure of Wayne Newton I swear was in the minivan that just drove past me.  We could choose to stay on the surface.  We could choose to stay safe.

But for some of us, that isn't an option.  Writing is a purge.  It's an impulse that we can't ignore.  It's like runners or cyclists who say that if they go too long between workouts they get twitchy.  It has taken me awhile to get here in life, but I like who I am.  I like my heart and my personality (mostly).  I like my ministries and my peeps.  I like how I inhabit this world and who I choose to spend my time with.  It has been a desire of mine for over half my life to be real. Authentic. Genuine. Whatever word you want to use for that, since some of those words have become so cliche.  When you meet me, I am who I am.  I don't hold back. I don't pull punches.  I am kind and sympathetic, but if you hit one of my hot buttons, I will speak my mind.  So, I am not capable of posting something here that doesn't line up with who I am.  More importantly, I can't post something that isn't true of where I'm at in life at that moment. I can't pretend I'm doing peachy keen if I'm sobbing my guts out about my dad.  I can't fake Life is Great if I want to punch something because another person I know on facebook got married and they are another one of those people that truly make me wonder what in God's name is wrong with me that they can find someone but I can't even get a decent date!  I can't fake it.  I won't.

So I trust.  I write my heart. I articulate my soul. I trust that you won't trample on it. Or shatter it.  Or attack me.  I trust that you will handle me with care.  I trust that even if you've never met me, that you will want good things for me.  That you will want me to be better, to heal, to grow in character and faith.  I trust that writing and sharing will do you more good than it will harm me.  So far, it has.  I thank you for being readers I can trust to care for me as my dearest friends do.

~Day 14~ Hope is forgiveness

forgiveness for the fact that I got off work and immediately hung out with a friend for hours and hours and then played on the internet and watched an episode of Revenge whilst talking to someone on messenger and

COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY FORGETTING TO BLOG!

Oops.  Better stuff over the weekend to make it up.

~day 13~ Hope is belief

belief that when he says his mercies are new every morning he really means that.

belief that he can ( and will? ) give me supernatural rest when I sleep tonite.

belief that my week of too little sleep has still been productive and kingdom building in more than one way.

belief that each and every one of you will forgive me for what is possibly the shortest post ever.  Because it is already after midnight, but that's the kind of day/week I've had.  More to come in the next couple of days.  Have a couple of thoughts ruminating, but I need more brainpower than I currently have access to in order to write them out coherently.

~day 12~ Hope is Helping

Tonite, I was able to help a friend.  She's pregnant and ridiculously, desperately ill because of it.  She can function some days and some days she can't even do that.  And she has 3 other kids and a husband who works 2 jobs.  So, when I got off work tonite, I changed into some loungey clothes and headed over to her place.  I picked up supper and helped take care of the kids and get the baby to bed and just keep her company while she waited for hubby to get home.

A couple years ago a friend had a migraine or double vision or something that she ended up in the hospital overnight with her infant. She called and asked if I would come and spend the night with her.  I did.

A very dear friend of mine had baby #2 and had a short, but surprisingly intense, bout with post-partum.  Just a couple of really bad days and one day just really needed someone else to be there with her. I did.

I have given moms a break from being moms and just let them be women.  I've given couples a break to be just married again and not parents for the moment.  I've tried to help married friends realize how good they have it.  And I've tried to help single friends realize how bad it could be if we insisted on trying to get our own way at the expense of everything else.  I have tried to help college students see beyond this semester or the 4 years they are in school to the much, much larger picture.


If you truly have no hope in life, you can't do any of those things.  You can't see the other side of it. You can't see your way out of it.  You can't see the light at the end of the tunnel**.  You can't see beyond your own nose, or face, or hand, or home.  You can't get past yourself.

That can be a dangerous and scary circle to get into.  You can't see past your self, so you start trying to figure out what's wrong with you.  In doing that, you lose track of what else is going on in the world around you and lose touch with it, thus making you feel more isolated and alone, and making you focus even more on your self and how to fix it.

But, if you can get a glimmer of hope.  If you can get a glimmer of possibilty that someday, something, could maybe be a little different than today.  Then sometimes you can grab hold of that mustard seed and help a friend.  And remind yourself that you are useful and valuable and maybe, possibly, there is nothing wrong with you at all.  Or, maybe, you are useful and valuable and you need to remind yourself to intentionally look beyond your nose once in awhile.  Or you need to ask a friend to (metaphorically) smack you with a 2x4 when you get too engrossed in your self.

When that flash of clarity shows up, take advantage of it.  Help the friend nearest, closest, most immediately to you, that you can get to the fastest, or that asked you the most recently, or that has the least baggage.  Whatever you can handle in that moment, pounce on it.  And, as I said to my mom once, ride that horse til it dies.  Those flashes will become moments, will become hours, will become days and hopefully weeks and months. That originating horse will die.  But another will come along.  Keep riding each one until you can't anymore.

Believe me when I say, if you have no hope, you can't see past your own nose.  The last couple of years are surprisingly hazy in my memory.  There are long periods I can't remember anything from.  Yes, partially because nothing memorable happened.  But one facet of that 'nothing memorable happened' is that I wasn't attempting to do anything because I couldn't function beyond working.  I couldn't make myself do anything where much was expected of me.  If you didn't expect anything more from me than for me to show up, I could do that. I did things, I was involved in things, but I was half on auto-pilot and half on fumes.

Now? Now I'm doing much better.  I don't just love my job, I adore my job.  I don't just love my students, I adore them.  Love has become too cliche and too meaningless in our society, the feeling in my soul and chest  is stronger than "love."  I am in a much better place to pour into multiple students.  I am in a better place to desire to go to work and work for someone who appreciates who I am and what I bring to the office.  I am in a better place to be there for my friends and offer them something, not show up and sit like a bump on a log or even show up and suck energy from them.

Tonite, hope is helping a friend.  Something very simple, something I enjoy doing, something I am able to do.  And that is something I haven't been able to say for quite awhile.

**If you've ever struggled with depression, like hard-core, no one gets this, christian music is too nice to help, kind of depression, give this a listen. Third Day "Wherever You are" album.  I listened to it and literally thought to myself "They came through a dark place to write this stuff."