Big Loser

I have a few shows that I love. Thoroughly. A couple of them ashamedly, and a couple UNashamedly. I do not love all reality shows like some people I know. I love Survivor, Amazing Race and ... The Biggest Loser. I saw a preview last night for TBL and actually interrupted my friend talking to be sure I could see the couple of contestants they were showcasing. I also got an email and read to see that one of my favorites from last season is coming back! I am so totally rooting for him. He is so incredibly sweet and kind and just seems like such an all around great kid. He had a sucky partner last season and ended up not being able to stay on the ranch, but he still did great at home.

Technically i'm digressing, but it's early so you don't know that yet.

One of my favorite things about TBL is the trainers. Bob and Jillian are great. Actually, my most favorite thing is watching the last chance workouts. The sad thing is that usually doesn't come on til a little after 8 and it is too late for me to take that motivation and try to do anything. And it never lasts. But, back to the trainers. I'm kind of with most people in thinking that if I, personally, had to choose between the two I'd choose Bob. He seems so much kinder and gentler. But, I think the reality would be that I'd be like that slacker girl that he ended up screaming and swearing at last season. I'd be figuring out ways to slough off on the workouts and do a little less than everyone else and try to get away with it. I don't think Jill would let me even begin. Not that Bob lets you ... i guess that's the wrong way to say it. I don't think with Jill you're even tempted to try it.

I watch the show religiously. I see all their ads for their dvds and equipment and nutritional stuff and I am one of the few who is not tempted. why? Because I know that the trick is not in buying the protein powder or in getting the right DVD. The trick is in actually using those tools.

I've never been good at that.

Ever.

The only thing I've ever been consistent at, aside from providing from my basic needs, is my inconsistency. I feed and bathe and clothe myself daily. I breathe and I move around minimally. But I buy dvds and I even got a few vhs tapes at goodwill the other day. I got weights and a pilates set for my birthday that didn't get opened until today. (my birthday was in may). I bought a recumbent exercise bike in February/March. I bought a fundraiser summer membership to our local athletic club. Do I use any of it? Sometimes. Once in awhile. I made it to the athletic club a sum total of 3 times. I've used the bike maybe a couple more times. I did the vhs tape I got from goodwill once, maybe twice. I don't think i've ever done any of those things more than five times sum grand total before giving up.

It doesn't appeal to me. The level of tired and twitchy I feel right now, doesn't appeal to me. Nor does the level of sheen I am currently carrying. I enjoy my cycling. I enjoy the fantasy of being thin and incredibly attractive. I do not enjoy the work of getting there. I never have.

I've never enjoy much of any work in any form actually.

But then I started hearing about Jillian Michael's 30 day Shred. And I thought 'hmmm.' Then a friend tweeted about it. And after 11 days she said (me paraphrasing how I remember it)

"On day 11 of the 30 day shred. I now have the body of a supermodel. But I'm too tired to bury it so it's just rolling around in my trunk."

Then i saw another friend post something about it on twitter or facebook. So i asked about it. And on 4th of July my friend lent it to me. It has been sitting on top of my tv in my living room, on top of the workout poster from Fitness magazine, since then.

I'm so busy. I run run run. I know that's an excuse, blah on you, whatever. I can't do this workout and get all sweaty and gross if I have a business appointment at 6. And if my appointment is at 6 then I can't do it when I get home at 730 or 8 because that's too close to bed and I won't sleep. And I have enough problems sleeping as it is. Apparently, I can't do it before doing business calls either, because I had planned to do a few calls tonight ... well, honestly, I had planned to do a BUNCH of calls tonight. But, that ain't gonna happen. My arms are seriously so weak from that workout it's hard to keep typing. Yes, conceivably I could make the time. But, like I said above, it's never been much of a priority for me.

Then I had a thought today at work. (and, please don't skewer me or attack me for this, i'm gonna bare a bit of my soul here, be gentle with it) My deepest, hidden desire is to marry someone rich or incredibly ambitious to get rich. Not like nice house in nice neighborhood and good cars 'rich' here in my hometown. Like Rich enough to be qualified to get on a Real Housewives tv show. not that I want to be on that tv show necessarily, but I want to be that rich. I know money doesn't buy happiness or contentment or love. I know that the love of money is the root of all evil. (love there, not the money itself, the love of it) But, there it is. When I dream, like truly crazy dream about what I wish my life could be like, it always involves some form of filthy rich. Plus, I've dated lazy guys with little or no ambition and i'm not really interested in that so much. I'm a dreamer, I'm an ideas person. And, I'd like a partner who can take some of those ideas and make us some crazy bank from it.

And my crazy thought was that no guy who is that ambitious and/or that rich is going to be interested in a woman as lazy as I clearly am. My outward appearance screams at you how lazy I truly am. And how inconsistent. Since even writing that makes me remind myself that not only do I not want to do the work to lose the weight, I absoultely do not want to do the work to keep it off indefinitely. blech.

But as I pondered this today I thought, if that's what it takes, why can't I give it a shot? I really felt bad reading that Matchmaker's book and was turning the bend to throwing in the towel on ever getting married altogether. But I read further and she does have some good tips and ideas. And, part of why I felt so bad was that I didn't disagree with her! The average guy in a bar or at a hockey game or at the movie store is not going to look twice at me. I used to tell myself that he'd have to get to know me first, because no man would be attracted to this package. I know some of you are disagreeing with me, and some of you feel bad for me and some of you probably want to come through the computer and shake me. But I sincerely feel like that is the reality that I live in. Attempting to date as a 30 something in 2009. It's a whole different world out here.

So, if that is what it takes to get what I truly dream of, can't I at least try to put in a little effort to make that happen? What would it hurt? I'd like to be svelte and saucy and utterly confident about the package I present to the world. Why not give it another try.

To that end, tonight I decided to work out as soon as I got home. I got home and put on workout clothes. And opened up the pilates set I got for my birthday. And checked into facebook. And put in the pilates dvd and within 20 seconds decided that the soothing sound of ocean waves and that lovely beach background combined with that ridiculous british/indian accented woman's voice telling me what to do was not going to work for me. At least not tonight. Maybe another day, and on that day I will take copius notes so I can put on some super upbeat music and do it to my own drummer. But as i was putting in the pilates dvd I noticed Jillian staring at me from on top of my tv. After I decided that ridiculous woman on the beach was NOT going to push me to work out and actually achieve anything, I put in Jillian.

I fear Jillian. But I also love Jillian. She is incredibly tough on her contestants, but if you actually watch you can see that she really does care for them. Way deep down she has a reasonably soft heart, I think. Her intro on the dvd says how much she wants us to see results. She wants us to be healthy and fit. And I believe her.

Tonight, Jillian tried to kill me. I have two tender muscles, one of which I still have absolutely no clue how I tweaked it. Every muscle in my body wants me to just go to bed and sleep or at least stop trying to make them continue to function. I was so tired when i finished that I swear I could have crawled into bed and slept til morning. If not for the dishes I already started and the supper I have yet to eat. Not to mention the two movies I have that are due back tonight. Hmm, how important is it to get them back tonight. We'll see.

But it feels good. And it's only 20 minutes. I can do 20 minutes. Right? I can. I'm an adult. I'm motivated, or close enough. I'm hopeful. I am certainly strong enough. I can do this, right?

Ya wanna know the truly sucky part of this? I'm going to spend the weekend with friends again, so I probably won't be able to work out at all while I'm gone. so, whatever muscle memory I might have started today, will be TOTALLY ERASED by the time I get back to it. Maybe sunday. I'll let ya know. Here we go Jillian!!! I'm a big loser ... or at least I wanna be!