I've been reading Patti Stanger's Be Your Own Matchmaker. (I put up a link 2 posts ago, if you want it go looking there, it's late and i'm too lazy to go looking for it again). I enjoy your Millionaire Matchmaker show on Bravo. I do. I find it amusing. And discouraging.
One activity is to write a list of the 5 best things about no more than your last 5 ex-s and the 5 worst things about them. Then take that list and ponder the categories of things you're looking for - emotional, intellectual, financial, physical and spiritual. And, again, doesn't mince words. Says outright if you have a financial level you want to live at or continue at, then do not be willing to date the 7-11 counter boy if he can't support that. Do not use the rest of her suggestions on him, as it will only bring heartbreak. Which I agree with on principle. Especially since she has kicked women out of her club for being gold diggers, which are people only looking for this payday and more than willing to 'trade-up' when the next best 'thing' comes along. She is only interested in matching millionaires who want a committed monogamous relationship with partners looking for the same.
I've been pondering her advice in the earlier chapters of the book. As I mentioned yesterday, I'm very lazy. And not only are her suggestions time consuming a few of them are somewhat expensive. I'm just not willing to go there yet. She tells you to get your teeth whitened and possibly straightened. She suggests that men don't like curly hair because they want something they can run their fingers through not tangled in. Thus suggesting that you regularly get your hair 'blown out.' She tells you to get your butt moving and drop a few pounds, she shrouds it in the idea that you'll feel better and the endorphin rush is good, but also doesn't mince words that smaller might very well be better for your odds. Men are visual, she says, and if the package isn't appealing it may not matter what is inside.
That was disconcerting enough. Last night I read the chapter on Where to find a guy. And she suggested you go to the movies alone and even to (gasp) sports bars alone! In fact, she suggested that you dress up quite nicely and go to hockey games and try wandering into the VIP sections to nab a guy. Now I can be pretty bold sometimes (just ask me about the photographer @ the convention this last weekend) but I don't do all that well on my own. I think the problem there boils down to my core problem with the rest of her advice. Not only am I lazy,
I don't truly think all that highly of myself as a companion to the kind/type of man I'm hoping to attract.
Much as I tried to argue with her suggestions on primping up your package, I came away with a realization that ultimately she's trying to help you attain a certain attitude and joie de vivre that will attract the kind of guy you're looking for, and get you to a point where your package won't repel him simultaneously. And I don't have that. I typically hope that the guy "of my dreams" sees me, laughing, with friends and is intrigued by me before I EVER see him or notice he's in the room. (And, yes, Kelly, he comes up with a ring already in hand, gets down on one knee, tells me some incredibly trippy romantic crap ending with a proposal and then I do the Miss America hand flutter. The End.)
All of that work and effort and money spent, honestly? Just made me want to resign myself to a life of aloneness and self-provision. Not only because I don't want to do the work on the front side, I don't want to continue to work at it forever; and, I don't want to portray something disingenous right off the start.
I pondered what all this meant to me. And what I should post about it. And if I should ask you to sincerely ask your husbands, boyfriends, brothers opinion's about the tips and things that Patti has to say, with explicit instructions to post anonymously if you get any answer less than 'you're fantastic just exactly as you are!' And I've had a lot of pretty sad moments about it. Because as much as I don't see myself as some fantastic and amazing prize for some guy, I still want one of them to see it, and choose me. I kept thinking "I want to be the exception to Patti's rules" but according to He's Just Not That Into You I am the Rule, not the Exception. And thux is the crux of my paradox.
Tonight while driving to the gas station a song came on the radio. I felt God speak to me. He reminded me what He told me in church 2-3 weeks ago. Pastor was talking about the Walls of Jericho. Those Walls were so thick that they had chariot races around the top of them, Chariot Races! And archaeologists now have a hard time finding proof of the walls of that city at all. The two primary theories right now are that either they crumbled to dust instantaneously or the whole of the city walls imploded at once. And Pastor said that the Israelites could never have conquered that city if God hadn't already conquered the walls for them. As a people, as human beings, they would never have been able to break through that wall.
Pastor said that we all have walls already errected, and God is the only one that can take them down. We take our sword and poke at the walls and try to take them down ourselves and all we're really doing is making our sword dull. I felt God touch my heart in that moment. I felt Him tell me that how any given man views me is nothing I can control. Their perception is theirs, not mine. I can do little to nothing about what a man sees when he looks at my package. That is not my responsibility to worry about and fret about and get upset about and focus on and spend time energy and money on. And I had this surprising comfort about all of that. Then I started reading Patti's book. And I lost that comfort. I had taken onto my own responsibilities that which God had explicitly told me was not mine to control. And he reminded me
One activity is to write a list of the 5 best things about no more than your last 5 ex-s and the 5 worst things about them. Then take that list and ponder the categories of things you're looking for - emotional, intellectual, financial, physical and spiritual. And, again, doesn't mince words. Says outright if you have a financial level you want to live at or continue at, then do not be willing to date the 7-11 counter boy if he can't support that. Do not use the rest of her suggestions on him, as it will only bring heartbreak. Which I agree with on principle. Especially since she has kicked women out of her club for being gold diggers, which are people only looking for this payday and more than willing to 'trade-up' when the next best 'thing' comes along. She is only interested in matching millionaires who want a committed monogamous relationship with partners looking for the same.
I've been pondering her advice in the earlier chapters of the book. As I mentioned yesterday, I'm very lazy. And not only are her suggestions time consuming a few of them are somewhat expensive. I'm just not willing to go there yet. She tells you to get your teeth whitened and possibly straightened. She suggests that men don't like curly hair because they want something they can run their fingers through not tangled in. Thus suggesting that you regularly get your hair 'blown out.' She tells you to get your butt moving and drop a few pounds, she shrouds it in the idea that you'll feel better and the endorphin rush is good, but also doesn't mince words that smaller might very well be better for your odds. Men are visual, she says, and if the package isn't appealing it may not matter what is inside.
That was disconcerting enough. Last night I read the chapter on Where to find a guy. And she suggested you go to the movies alone and even to (gasp) sports bars alone! In fact, she suggested that you dress up quite nicely and go to hockey games and try wandering into the VIP sections to nab a guy. Now I can be pretty bold sometimes (just ask me about the photographer @ the convention this last weekend) but I don't do all that well on my own. I think the problem there boils down to my core problem with the rest of her advice. Not only am I lazy,
I don't truly think all that highly of myself as a companion to the kind/type of man I'm hoping to attract.
Much as I tried to argue with her suggestions on primping up your package, I came away with a realization that ultimately she's trying to help you attain a certain attitude and joie de vivre that will attract the kind of guy you're looking for, and get you to a point where your package won't repel him simultaneously. And I don't have that. I typically hope that the guy "of my dreams" sees me, laughing, with friends and is intrigued by me before I EVER see him or notice he's in the room. (And, yes, Kelly, he comes up with a ring already in hand, gets down on one knee, tells me some incredibly trippy romantic crap ending with a proposal and then I do the Miss America hand flutter. The End.)
All of that work and effort and money spent, honestly? Just made me want to resign myself to a life of aloneness and self-provision. Not only because I don't want to do the work on the front side, I don't want to continue to work at it forever; and, I don't want to portray something disingenous right off the start.
I pondered what all this meant to me. And what I should post about it. And if I should ask you to sincerely ask your husbands, boyfriends, brothers opinion's about the tips and things that Patti has to say, with explicit instructions to post anonymously if you get any answer less than 'you're fantastic just exactly as you are!' And I've had a lot of pretty sad moments about it. Because as much as I don't see myself as some fantastic and amazing prize for some guy, I still want one of them to see it, and choose me. I kept thinking "I want to be the exception to Patti's rules" but according to He's Just Not That Into You I am the Rule, not the Exception. And thux is the crux of my paradox.
Tonight while driving to the gas station a song came on the radio. I felt God speak to me. He reminded me what He told me in church 2-3 weeks ago. Pastor was talking about the Walls of Jericho. Those Walls were so thick that they had chariot races around the top of them, Chariot Races! And archaeologists now have a hard time finding proof of the walls of that city at all. The two primary theories right now are that either they crumbled to dust instantaneously or the whole of the city walls imploded at once. And Pastor said that the Israelites could never have conquered that city if God hadn't already conquered the walls for them. As a people, as human beings, they would never have been able to break through that wall.
Pastor said that we all have walls already errected, and God is the only one that can take them down. We take our sword and poke at the walls and try to take them down ourselves and all we're really doing is making our sword dull. I felt God touch my heart in that moment. I felt Him tell me that how any given man views me is nothing I can control. Their perception is theirs, not mine. I can do little to nothing about what a man sees when he looks at my package. That is not my responsibility to worry about and fret about and get upset about and focus on and spend time energy and money on. And I had this surprising comfort about all of that. Then I started reading Patti's book. And I lost that comfort. I had taken onto my own responsibilities that which God had explicitly told me was not mine to control. And he reminded me
"Why are you striving? Why are you crying?
Let Me lift up your face, just don't turn away.
Why are you lookin for love?
I'll be by your side wherever you fall.
In the dead of night, whenever you call.
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you.
My Hands are Holding YOU.
I wanna give you life.
I'll never let you go."
HE is my exception. He is my provision. He is my comfort and peace and love. He is what sustains me. He is what protects me. He is what provides for me. HE is what will reveal to the right man what a jewel I truly am/could be. And, if that man can't see that, then it will be his loss, not mine.
My married relatives played The Newlywed Game at our family reunion this weekend and one of the questions for the men was what first attracted them to their wives. My cousin Corinna's husband said it was her hair. He loves long, curly hair. Corinna is no stick figure (a plus size gal, in fact), but Wes thinks she's the most beautiful girl he ever saw. It's just about finding the right one. I do think confidence definitely helps attract someone, which can be from feeling better about how you look because you got your hair done or lost some weight, but also from anything else you do that makes you feel good about who you are and what you bring to a relationship.
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