Incomprehensible

I've had a rough week.

In truth, I've had a rough couple of months. The money has been able to justify a lot of it, but not quite all.

I knew there was a "big" meeting coming. It was supposed to be Friday, and then Monday, and then Tuesday. I didn't sleep well Sunday night, so I was quite glad when the meeting was postponed one more day.

Knowing now how the meeting was going to go, I am doubly glad it was postponed one more day. Sparing you the details, suffice it to say I would have almost certainly ended up in tears by the end of Monday.

I credit the postponement to God. I asked Him to postpone the meeting. Acknowledging my selfishness and own responsibility in making my mood worse on Monday. Acknowledging that I screwed it up, but that HE was the only one who could do anything about the circumstances I didn't want to face that day. And I believe his answer that day was 'Yes.'

I don't handle meetings well. At all. I will spare you the details, but I have a physical / bodily reaction if I know a meeting is coming. In fact, even as I type that my stomach turns. So, all Tuesday morning, knowing that the meeting was going to be in the afternoon, I prayed. Off and on. As it occurred to me. As I hit a wall I couldn't deal with. As I hit anything I couldn't deal with.

And in the midst of that I though to myself:
How do people who don't have my Jesus handle this kind of crap?????
How do they do it?

I've discussed this phenomenon with a friend who also struggles with depression. We've asked the same thing about people who are struggling with depression who do not know Jesus and his power and grace and love. And Help!
How do they do it?

I don't have an answer. I don't begin to have the faintest idea how to handle work stress without my heavy reliance on my relationship with Jesus and his strength IN me.

I am having a really rough day today. Had a wonderful, beautiful dream that was the living breathing reality of my heart's deepest desire. And woke up alone, as always. I was okay for most of the day. And this afternoon my heart just twisted in my chest. And i cried. For this lost dream; that I've never even had.

I prayed. I asked him to help. I cried out and told Him that I can't do this without him. I don't know how. I'm not any good at it. And I don't want to.

And, again, I acknowledged that I fight with Him a lot. I curse at Him. I call Him names. I shout at Him to go away and not talk to me. And I acknowledged that I act like a petulant, selfish child who is just upset at not getting her way. And in spite of all that, i recognize that I do need Him to get me through this. Because no one else can even come close to helping. Even if that dream were fully realized tomorrow (which is impossible anyway since it involves a fully evolved relationship with a man who adores me and Him.) I still can't do this without Jesus.

Don't misunderstand. I'm still crying. I'm crying now as I write this. And it is one of those days, where if I'm not careful, I will simply stop moving. My mantra on these days is 'Just don't stop.' I just keep breathing. just keep walking. just keep functioning and moving through life. Just keep hoping that somehow, in the long run, when it has all been said and done and all of us are laid to rest, that it will have been worth it. That His plan would have been better than my plan. That these tears will be gathered up and counted and will be valuable for whatever they are teaching me.

but still i cry.
still I go to bed alone.
again I stay up impossibly late so I can fall straight to sleep and not consider the emptiness of my bed and the rest of my life.
again I will probably skip church in the morning to avoid fake 'okay-ness' as well as avoid the seeming plethora of Happy Marrieds.
always i wish that at least one person 'got' it all and could comfort me
ever i turn to Him.