baffling and crippling

So you know that scene in Pretty Woman when they're in the bathtub together and he says "I was very angry with my father." In a very matter of fact tone and then says that it took him $10,000, or some equally ridiculous number, worth of therapy to be able to say that.

Well, I haven't spent any money on therapy. yet.

But I am very angry.

• at a far left blogger on a website I otherwise thoroughly enjoy.
• at my current lot in life.
• at the fact that for some reason I can't seem to get any mortgage person to call me back.
• at the fact that I even want a mortgage person to call me back considering my post a few months ago about not wanting to buy a house at all in the first place.
• at the fact that i screwed up making margaritas with a friend tonight. don't ask.
• at the fact that I have apparently spent an entire extra paycheck on a small bit of jewelry and almost entirely on fast food.
• at the fact that my life is so utterly not what I expected it to be at this point.
• at the fact that I had to go into work for 2 1/2 hours today.
• at the fact that I did 5 hours last weekend and they apparently didn't even notice.
• at the fact that I will probably put in another 2+ hours tomorrow
• and next week they won't notice again.
• and the week after that I leave for a long weekend vacation for my birthday
• and will probably have to log 10-20 hours of overtime when I get back to get caught back up.
• at the fact that there are certain friends I deeply want to spend more time with and somehow can't seem to make that happen.
• meanwhile i have other people in my life whose mere presence sucks me dry.
• at the fact that no matter how many of you tell me you believe in me, i can't seem to believe that I deserve anything more or better than I have right now.
• at the fact that my neighbor has cable.
• and a wonderful husband and 2 (almost 3) beautiful, amazing boys.
• at the fact that I haven't had a date in .... 5 years?
• and the only nibble is a guy who has no interest whatsoever in Jesus or his place in my heart.
• at the fact that twice in the last month my household has been run out of toiletpaper and had to go more than 2 days before being replenished.
• at the fact that somewhere in the last 6 or so months I have taken up gritting my teeth and clenching my jaw and now have to consciously remember to loosen it. (Lori I totally forgot you toe wiggling tip!!)
• at the fact that I didn't even get halfway through my script for scriptfrenzy.org.
• at the fact that I regularly get stress/tension/blood pressure headaches.
• at the fact that I'm easily 80 pounds overweight and have no intention of doing anything about that in the immediate future.
• at the fact that I know people who think I am less of a person, less of a Christian, less of a human being for the item just above this one.
• at the fact that I can dream. Big. Huge. Ginormous dreams. And yet in the light of day can't seem to do ANYTHING whatsoever towards achieving those dreams.
• at the fact that, still, now after 3? 5? 7? years I still think on a regular basis "I want more!"
• at the fact that I can't afford cable while other people are living off of child support.

I have been saying for months that it was a big revelation last fall when I finally recognized my current 'project' / stumbling block was the level of anger i am carrying around. And I have said for months that I don't know why I'm angry. I have no reason to be angry. To look in at the life I have, it looks pretty good. But then, don't we all say it? The grass is always greener?

• You can look in here and say "But at least you have a job!" And I won't argue with you.
• you can say "At least you're not married to a complete a$$ who treats you (and your kids?) like crap!" And I won't argue with you.
• you can say "Cable is the devils distraction." And I may have a theological point to make, but I'll probably not bother to make the effort towards the distinction.
• you can say a lot of things. But none of them will make me feel any better.

None of them will fix any of those things on my list. Nothing you can say will fix it. Nothing you can do will fix it. Nothing I can say will fix it. And for some of them, nothing I can even do will fix it. So I sit here angry. Mulling over my movie choices in the back of my mind, seeing what I'll want to put in when I go to bed shortly.

And I'll wonder if a good cry would help. And I'll wonder if a therapist would help. (Yes, I know you'll say yes, you two, you know who you are.)

• And I'll beat myself senseless for spending so much money on fast food.
• And I'll beat myself senseless for getting so anxiety-ridden about pursuing my dreams.
• And I'll beat myself senseless for eating pizza for lunch. And a sub for a snack. and leftover chinese for dinner. And a cupcake.
• And more probably before bed.
• And I will stay angry. and impotent. and frustrated. and ready to scream at someone, even though i'm not a screamer and never have been. (throwing stuff is more my style)

and I will sign off, choose a movie, wash my face, curl up in bed, and hope that last Coke doesn't keep me awake too late.