World on Fire

Not really entirely, that's just the first song I'm putting on my windows media player for this post. Although it isn't entirely untrue either.

Thought it was about time for another update.  What a road!  to some extent there aren't words.  Because how do you put feelings into words? It's like that Chris Rice song "Smell the Color 9."

It's just one of those things that you can't translate.  But that is likely the bain of the writer's soul, the need to at least try to put those exact things into words.

I logged some of my medication story previously.  Sadly it never really got any better.  I gave up the first one after a week.  Took a couple weeks off due to scheduling and money and tried to get back on.  Ended up taking a 2nd med for 3 or maybe 4 weeks ... but only at a quarter dose!  That was all I could tolerate before I started getting nauseous again. ***

Then I decided to just call and try getting on something else.  I mean there are literally 20+ anti depressants on the market, ONE of them has to work for me, right??  I mean, seriously? Right??

I finally got around to emailing my doctor, only to finally call the day before my twice post poned appointment and be told that although they had gotten my email, they had emailed me back, inside their website system with no outside notification to me that they had answered at all.  And their answer was "Come in and talk to the doctor."  Um, sorry, no, not spending $25 copay for that conversation.  I'm too broke and I, honestly, don't see the trade off value of that particular expense.  I need groceries, ya know?

I've been seeing a counselor for a couple of months and she's good.  Problem is that she is a block from work so I go on my lunch hour and it feels like all we talk about is work.  I feel like I can tolerate that environment, that it is a "limited-term engagement."  But my "Life" is not.  That is the part I want to fix. My mental hang ups about my business, that is what I want to fix.  This obvious inclination to curl up on the couch or settle in front of facebook and zone out for hours on end rather than doing anything productive, that I want to fix.  Now don't get me wrong, she has been helpful.  She's encouraged me to stand up for myself and given me an outlet for some of the work stress that I'm tired of dumping on my friends.  And I believe we will get around to my "Life" but for now we talk about work.

She told me on our last appointment that they have an Advanced Practice Nurse that works with their office and is qualified to prescribe meds.  She suggested I consider seeing her since she may (probably) have more experience with antidepressants and their side effects and maybe she'd have a better option for me to try than the previous two.  So now I need to check my insurance and make certain she is covered and then make an appoinment to see her.  Here's hoping she's not booked til next year!

(update before I even post this - just checked my health insurance website, and although every single psychologist type person at the facility is covered, this Advance Practice Nurse doesn't appear to be.  Fan-freaking-tastic.  I know, I'll call and see if I can verify or figure it out, but that's more work and more time and effort and I can barely drag myself out of bed and go to work right now!)

so, After 4ish weeks on that stupid quarter dose, I stopped taking it, in prep for switching to something new.  Which now appears that it might not be happening at all.  And all I can think is

Why does this have to be so damn hard?!?

I said it before, I say it weekly, there is no reason for anything to be "this" hard for no reason.  I mean, yeah, if someone's got cancer that's hard, but no one questions your decision to take chemo ...

I have only had a couple of people question my desire to get on anti-depressants.  A couple of weeks ago I was sitting in my car in line at the bank drive thru when someone jumped ahead of me and I nearly got out of my car to punch her.  Because I'm not "that" person I refrained, but instead nearly started crying and all I could think was "You want to know why I'm trying to get on drugs? Because there is no reason for that incident to bring me to tears.  No reason.

I did well through November.  I really did.  Maybe it was the meds still working their way out of my system.  Maybe it was the week and a half I spent in sunny, warm Raleigh, NC.  Maybe it was the fact that I SUCCESSFULLY completed NaNoWriMo!!!

 I wrote 55,725 words within the 30 days of November.  I completed an entire novel! And I didn't exclude every single contraction or hyphen just to pad my words.  And it's a coherent story, it's not the same word or sentence or paragraph repeated over and over again.  It's a lovely story, and to be honest, I'm excited to get it published eventually.  Right now it is extremely rough and needs a fair amount of editing.  And I need to add the Epilogue I thought of the night I finished it.

I get home, I work 9 hours straight with people who treat me like ... I have only been doing the job for a month, and have a lovely evening with my parents buying me a Christmas present, and get home and putz on facebook for an hour or two (i lost track of time, so I've no idea how long I was on).  towards the end I realize I am thinking to myself "I'm shutting down.  I can feel it.  I'm withdrawing into inside myself and I'm shutting down and shutting out the outside world.  Then I suddenly realize I forgot to buy milk and have nothing to 'cream' my coffee tomorrow, and all I want to do in that moment is sink to the floor, right where I stand, and dissolve into tears.

Over milk.

You want to know why I'm trying to get on anti-depressants?  That's why.

There is no true or genuine reason for that night and that situation to put me to tears.  I don't have a baby to feed.  It isn't blizzarding outside, so I'm not trapped in my house.  I'm fairly broke right now, but not so broke that I can't afford some milk to cream my coffee.  There is no reason for that to dissolve me to tears.

So don't ask me again why I'm on meds.  They helped.  I think that's probably the worst part of this whole ridiculous nonsense mess I've gotten myself into.  Even that little stupid quarter dose was helping.  I didn't feel quite so overwhelmingly heavy and sad or apathetic all the time.  I could smile without it feeling forced.  I could see a light at the end of the tunnel.  But all I could focus on was how far away that light truly was and how much more quickly it would come to me if I could get on a full dose of something.  Yes it helped, yes I felt a little better, but all I could focus on was how much MORE better I could maybe feel if I could tolerate a full dose of something.

So, let's make an agreement, shall we?  I agree not to pry into your personal life or dissect what medications you are on or what health decisions you make for yourself, I also further agree not to offer my opinions unasked for on any and every topic of discussion, and you agree to do the same? Agreed?

***A friend pointed out that the "quarter dose" didn't make sense to her.  Let me clarify.  The doctor had prescribed whatever dose it was.  I took the first dose and got sick.  I called the pharmacist and asked if I could cut it in half, since that was what the doctor had recommended for the first drug I tried.  He said that should be no problem.  So i tried that, but still got a little sick.  So I decided, on my own, to try starting with a quarter of a pill to see if I could build up some tolerance to it so I wouldn't get sick.  After a week, or maybe two, of the quarter pills I tried upping to half but got sick again, so i stuck with quarters until i quit it entirely.  speaking of which, I think I'm going to go try it again ...  long story, will tell eventually.