Sunday, October 16, 2011

~day 16~ When you're afraid

Something happened in my church this morning.  It scares me.  It shouldn't.  Most of the people in my church don't share my fear and nearly all of them wouldn't understand it. I hold a somewhat unique position in our body.  I am effectively the only single person beyond college age who attends regularly.  There are a few divorced people, but they all have kids so they get plugged in there.  There are a few seniors as well, but they band together a bit and get plugged in with each other.  If I'm not actually, I usually feel like the lone "career-woman." Single Income, No Kids.

Having been that person for so long it surprised me immensely how many people think highly of me and are protective of me. I have not gotten used to that still.  So I am often aware and very conscious of the people, especially men, around me who I believe would step to my defense or assistance if I would need it.  So when this thing happened this morning, it hit me hard.  Much much harder than I expected.

As I knelt there nearly sobbing and obsessively repeating "I'm afraid. I'm so afraid."  God and I began to do some business.  Once I settled enough to actually hear Him I realized he was asking me if I trusted Him.  Did I trust Him to take care of me? Did I trust Him to protect me? Did I trust Him with this?  I took a few moments with that and agreed to lay the situation in His hands.  I agreed to trust Him with my spirit and heart.  I decided to give the situation time and see what God has in store for us.

This is hard.  Incredibly hard.  I am still fairly scared for a number of reasons.  (I'm not concerned for my physical safety or anything like that.  Simple emotional and spiritual concerns only.)  But I am agreeing to Trust Him.  I am agreeing to allow Him time to work and do as He wills.

That takes hope.  Again you have to be able to see the other side where things might be better.  You have to believe that God is who He has said He is.  You have to conclude that He does only give good gifts to His children.  You have to make peace with the fact that He is Soveriegn and that we cannot see the whole picture, nor can we see His end plan.  It takes hope to see those things and say "My Hope is In You."  My hope is not in the human beings that make up the rest of my church.  My hope is not in the programs that we run.  My hope is not in the (wonderful) worship team we have leading us every Sunday.  My hope isn't even in my nearest and dearest friends.  My hope is in God.  He is the only thing that has brought me thus far in life.  He is the only thing that has healed me of so many many things.  He is the only thing that holds me together and allows me another day on this earth.  My hope is in Him.  My trust is in Him.  Even when I am afraid.

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