Big Loser

I have a few shows that I love. Thoroughly. A couple of them ashamedly, and a couple UNashamedly. I do not love all reality shows like some people I know. I love Survivor, Amazing Race and ... The Biggest Loser. I saw a preview last night for TBL and actually interrupted my friend talking to be sure I could see the couple of contestants they were showcasing. I also got an email and read to see that one of my favorites from last season is coming back! I am so totally rooting for him. He is so incredibly sweet and kind and just seems like such an all around great kid. He had a sucky partner last season and ended up not being able to stay on the ranch, but he still did great at home.

Technically i'm digressing, but it's early so you don't know that yet.

One of my favorite things about TBL is the trainers. Bob and Jillian are great. Actually, my most favorite thing is watching the last chance workouts. The sad thing is that usually doesn't come on til a little after 8 and it is too late for me to take that motivation and try to do anything. And it never lasts. But, back to the trainers. I'm kind of with most people in thinking that if I, personally, had to choose between the two I'd choose Bob. He seems so much kinder and gentler. But, I think the reality would be that I'd be like that slacker girl that he ended up screaming and swearing at last season. I'd be figuring out ways to slough off on the workouts and do a little less than everyone else and try to get away with it. I don't think Jill would let me even begin. Not that Bob lets you ... i guess that's the wrong way to say it. I don't think with Jill you're even tempted to try it.

I watch the show religiously. I see all their ads for their dvds and equipment and nutritional stuff and I am one of the few who is not tempted. why? Because I know that the trick is not in buying the protein powder or in getting the right DVD. The trick is in actually using those tools.

I've never been good at that.

Ever.

The only thing I've ever been consistent at, aside from providing from my basic needs, is my inconsistency. I feed and bathe and clothe myself daily. I breathe and I move around minimally. But I buy dvds and I even got a few vhs tapes at goodwill the other day. I got weights and a pilates set for my birthday that didn't get opened until today. (my birthday was in may). I bought a recumbent exercise bike in February/March. I bought a fundraiser summer membership to our local athletic club. Do I use any of it? Sometimes. Once in awhile. I made it to the athletic club a sum total of 3 times. I've used the bike maybe a couple more times. I did the vhs tape I got from goodwill once, maybe twice. I don't think i've ever done any of those things more than five times sum grand total before giving up.

It doesn't appeal to me. The level of tired and twitchy I feel right now, doesn't appeal to me. Nor does the level of sheen I am currently carrying. I enjoy my cycling. I enjoy the fantasy of being thin and incredibly attractive. I do not enjoy the work of getting there. I never have.

I've never enjoy much of any work in any form actually.

But then I started hearing about Jillian Michael's 30 day Shred. And I thought 'hmmm.' Then a friend tweeted about it. And after 11 days she said (me paraphrasing how I remember it)

"On day 11 of the 30 day shred. I now have the body of a supermodel. But I'm too tired to bury it so it's just rolling around in my trunk."

Then i saw another friend post something about it on twitter or facebook. So i asked about it. And on 4th of July my friend lent it to me. It has been sitting on top of my tv in my living room, on top of the workout poster from Fitness magazine, since then.

I'm so busy. I run run run. I know that's an excuse, blah on you, whatever. I can't do this workout and get all sweaty and gross if I have a business appointment at 6. And if my appointment is at 6 then I can't do it when I get home at 730 or 8 because that's too close to bed and I won't sleep. And I have enough problems sleeping as it is. Apparently, I can't do it before doing business calls either, because I had planned to do a few calls tonight ... well, honestly, I had planned to do a BUNCH of calls tonight. But, that ain't gonna happen. My arms are seriously so weak from that workout it's hard to keep typing. Yes, conceivably I could make the time. But, like I said above, it's never been much of a priority for me.

Then I had a thought today at work. (and, please don't skewer me or attack me for this, i'm gonna bare a bit of my soul here, be gentle with it) My deepest, hidden desire is to marry someone rich or incredibly ambitious to get rich. Not like nice house in nice neighborhood and good cars 'rich' here in my hometown. Like Rich enough to be qualified to get on a Real Housewives tv show. not that I want to be on that tv show necessarily, but I want to be that rich. I know money doesn't buy happiness or contentment or love. I know that the love of money is the root of all evil. (love there, not the money itself, the love of it) But, there it is. When I dream, like truly crazy dream about what I wish my life could be like, it always involves some form of filthy rich. Plus, I've dated lazy guys with little or no ambition and i'm not really interested in that so much. I'm a dreamer, I'm an ideas person. And, I'd like a partner who can take some of those ideas and make us some crazy bank from it.

And my crazy thought was that no guy who is that ambitious and/or that rich is going to be interested in a woman as lazy as I clearly am. My outward appearance screams at you how lazy I truly am. And how inconsistent. Since even writing that makes me remind myself that not only do I not want to do the work to lose the weight, I absoultely do not want to do the work to keep it off indefinitely. blech.

But as I pondered this today I thought, if that's what it takes, why can't I give it a shot? I really felt bad reading that Matchmaker's book and was turning the bend to throwing in the towel on ever getting married altogether. But I read further and she does have some good tips and ideas. And, part of why I felt so bad was that I didn't disagree with her! The average guy in a bar or at a hockey game or at the movie store is not going to look twice at me. I used to tell myself that he'd have to get to know me first, because no man would be attracted to this package. I know some of you are disagreeing with me, and some of you feel bad for me and some of you probably want to come through the computer and shake me. But I sincerely feel like that is the reality that I live in. Attempting to date as a 30 something in 2009. It's a whole different world out here.

So, if that is what it takes to get what I truly dream of, can't I at least try to put in a little effort to make that happen? What would it hurt? I'd like to be svelte and saucy and utterly confident about the package I present to the world. Why not give it another try.

To that end, tonight I decided to work out as soon as I got home. I got home and put on workout clothes. And opened up the pilates set I got for my birthday. And checked into facebook. And put in the pilates dvd and within 20 seconds decided that the soothing sound of ocean waves and that lovely beach background combined with that ridiculous british/indian accented woman's voice telling me what to do was not going to work for me. At least not tonight. Maybe another day, and on that day I will take copius notes so I can put on some super upbeat music and do it to my own drummer. But as i was putting in the pilates dvd I noticed Jillian staring at me from on top of my tv. After I decided that ridiculous woman on the beach was NOT going to push me to work out and actually achieve anything, I put in Jillian.

I fear Jillian. But I also love Jillian. She is incredibly tough on her contestants, but if you actually watch you can see that she really does care for them. Way deep down she has a reasonably soft heart, I think. Her intro on the dvd says how much she wants us to see results. She wants us to be healthy and fit. And I believe her.

Tonight, Jillian tried to kill me. I have two tender muscles, one of which I still have absolutely no clue how I tweaked it. Every muscle in my body wants me to just go to bed and sleep or at least stop trying to make them continue to function. I was so tired when i finished that I swear I could have crawled into bed and slept til morning. If not for the dishes I already started and the supper I have yet to eat. Not to mention the two movies I have that are due back tonight. Hmm, how important is it to get them back tonight. We'll see.

But it feels good. And it's only 20 minutes. I can do 20 minutes. Right? I can. I'm an adult. I'm motivated, or close enough. I'm hopeful. I am certainly strong enough. I can do this, right?

Ya wanna know the truly sucky part of this? I'm going to spend the weekend with friends again, so I probably won't be able to work out at all while I'm gone. so, whatever muscle memory I might have started today, will be TOTALLY ERASED by the time I get back to it. Maybe sunday. I'll let ya know. Here we go Jillian!!! I'm a big loser ... or at least I wanna be!

day 15 - throwing in the towel

I am. I have decided to give up the 30 days portion of my recent challenge. Considering it is now the 24th of Aug and I'm only on day 15, I think we have all proven that consistency is not my strong suit. However, I fully and absolutley intend to keep blogging. And, plan to blog on a much more regular basis. My current idea is that if I didn't blog yesterday, then I must blog today. Unless of course I have a date ... which I haven't had in 5ish years. Or if I simply am out in the real world living my typically full life and don't get home until bedtime. Then you won't hear from me til tomorrow.

having said all that, I am also throwing in the towel on something else. sorta. not really. it sounded like a better segue in my head.

I am tired. bone deep tired. I have problems with insomnia. Yes, fully half of the problem, at least, is my own unwillingness to shut this dam machine off and just go to bed already. But, much of the time even once I shut this thing down and crawl into bed I lay there and stare at the walls. Or lay there and ponder all the random mysteries of the universe. Sometimes I lay there and replay conversations in my head. conversations I've already had that I wish I could change and conversations that haven't even happened yet that I am trying to be prepared for. And, let's face it, most of the latter conversations will never happen anyway.

I know every sleep expert and doctor on the planet will tell you not to do this, but I fall asleep with a movie on my little 13 inch tv my sister gave me for Christmas a couple years ago. (Thanks sis!!!) I justify this by explaining that since my brain runs, fully, at 1000 miles a minute as an average, I have an incredibly difficult time shutting it off at night. So, if I put in a movie, I lay there and distract that part of my brain with the movie and what I've seen (since I only use movies i have seen so many times I have them memorized) and what they're going to say next etc, and I doze off. Usually within 10-15 minutes of turning on the movie. Which I know because I can usually remember the last bits of dialogue I heard before falling asleep and then i can gauge how long I laid there listening to it. Don't harangue me for this, it works for me.

But last weekend I had a convention for my business and was up late 3 nights in a row. Then I had my 'normal' work week in which I 'try' to go to bed before 10 every single night for the week and usually end up falling asleep by midnight at the latest 3 out of 5 nights at minimum. This last weekend I could NOT for the life of me fall asleep Fri nite and ended up getting up early on Saturday for a bike ride fundraiser at my church for a family I know. Then, still didn't get to bed anywhere near early or even reasonable on Sat nite and made it to church on Sunday, on time, sorta. And, no early sleepy last night either.

All of this to say i am tired. And, of course, that ALWAYS overflows into my emotional and mental state. I get the most depressed when I'm tired. I am by far much more emotional and, as a separate thing, prone to breaking down into tears over insignificant things. You know, like a papercut. I get infinitely more whiny about being single and being alone when I'm tired.

Everything is black. Ok, well, no, not everything exactly. Shades of gray. Mostly dark grays. The dark ugly grays of a storm rolling in.

And on one level I hate that about myself. I hate that I refuse to be a grown-up, responsible adult and friggin go to bed at a decent time so I don't drag myself home like a whupped pup every night. Only to be followed by an evening of sitting here staring at a screen full of virtual realities and earning 'money' in my artificial worlds so I can live vicariously through them rather than truly going after the things i wish that I had.

On another much deeper level it is paying me off. Anyone remember when Dr. Phil used to ask people all the time what their payoff was for their bad behaviors? If they didn't get some form of payback then they would have stopped doing whatever it was. Mine? I get to excuse my rudeness and irritability. I get to wish for things rather than actually work for them. I get to lament and cry and feel hopeless and sometimes garner a fair amount of sympathy.

I've heard the quote a couple of different ways, and I think I've posted it here, you will never change a behavior until the pain of staying the same as you are now outweighs the pain of making the change. I feel, on a number of levels and issues, like I am on that cusp. In many ways I am downright miserable and realizing that something needs to change or I truly am going to throw in the towel. And then I'll just be a miserable, mean old spinster lady with a couple of dogs (not so much a cat person) who yells at the kids to get off my lawn. I don't think any of us want that. especially since I've barely started my 30s for goodness sake.

You'll note it is approx 940 when I posted this. I am putting on tags, posting this, checking into facebook statuses for 3 minutes, because I already checked through all my games, and crawling into bed. good nite.

day 14 - boys on the brain

I once told a friend, years ago, that the only way I would watch horror movies is if I had a boy to go to bed next to me and either distract me from the horrors of said movie or protect me from them. To which he replied "well, I'm thinking you'd prefer a 'man' for that, a boy might not do you much good." Which is true, but I prefer alliteration to accuracy tonight.

Got a message from the editor I write movie reviews for tonight after work. He wanted something to post, could I get him something? I said yeah probably, let me look around and see what's available. Checked the video store website and checked if we had a review for one of the 2 movies that intrigues me. Then checked the theater website and saw that a movie I've been wanting to see since it premiered back in June is still there! So I asked if he would prefer that one or Julie and Julia. He said That One. Lovely answer friend!

Tonight at 6:45, on a whim, sorta, I jumped in the car, grabbed fast food for supper, and hit the theater to watch

The Proposal.

I have loved Sandra Bullock since, probably High School. And Ryan Reynolds since Definitely, Maybe came out. And he and I will be engaged as soon as he divorces Scarlett Johansson, according to Facebook we will be anyway. Plus there is Betty White, Craig T. Nelson and Mary Steenburgen.

It was excellent. Loved it. LOVED IT!

It was a few steps above your typical romantic comedy. It was sweeter in the right spots. Laugh out Loud funny in plenty of places. And just the right combination of chemistry.

Since I have boys on the brain anyway. I realized about 1/3 of the way into the movie, that the style of their relationship is exactly what I want to have. Well, aside from the potentially felony creating and fraudulent marriage, and her incredible insensitivity and inflexibility at the beginning. The way they interact just really resonated with me.

They have a hugging scene and at the end of it she pats his cheek and says "Such a nice fiancee." And then slaps him kind of hard. And it made me giggle. They are in a truck earlier and when he refuses to answer her she punches him in the arm. But when he accidentally dumps her into the ocean he wraps her up in a sweater and holds her close to warm her back up. Those little things. He took charge when he needed to in order to get her attention, but in a lot of things and ways he was perfectly content to let her have the lead.

I will be purchasing this movie off the pre-viewed rack at Blockbuster as soon as it's available ... and I can find 2-3 other movies to round out the deal they always are offering.

Go see it. It's good. And lovely. And Ryan is some freakin lovely eye-candy.

And, if you'd like, you can read my full, official review here.

Day 13 - By Your Side

I've been reading Patti Stanger's Be Your Own Matchmaker. (I put up a link 2 posts ago, if you want it go looking there, it's late and i'm too lazy to go looking for it again). I enjoy your Millionaire Matchmaker show on Bravo. I do. I find it amusing. And discouraging.

One activity is to write a list of the 5 best things about no more than your last 5 ex-s and the 5 worst things about them. Then take that list and ponder the categories of things you're looking for - emotional, intellectual, financial, physical and spiritual. And, again, doesn't mince words. Says outright if you have a financial level you want to live at or continue at, then do not be willing to date the 7-11 counter boy if he can't support that. Do not use the rest of her suggestions on him, as it will only bring heartbreak. Which I agree with on principle. Especially since she has kicked women out of her club for being gold diggers, which are people only looking for this payday and more than willing to 'trade-up' when the next best 'thing' comes along. She is only interested in matching millionaires who want a committed monogamous relationship with partners looking for the same.

I've been pondering her advice in the earlier chapters of the book. As I mentioned yesterday, I'm very lazy. And not only are her suggestions time consuming a few of them are somewhat expensive. I'm just not willing to go there yet. She tells you to get your teeth whitened and possibly straightened. She suggests that men don't like curly hair because they want something they can run their fingers through not tangled in. Thus suggesting that you regularly get your hair 'blown out.' She tells you to get your butt moving and drop a few pounds, she shrouds it in the idea that you'll feel better and the endorphin rush is good, but also doesn't mince words that smaller might very well be better for your odds. Men are visual, she says, and if the package isn't appealing it may not matter what is inside.

That was disconcerting enough. Last night I read the chapter on Where to find a guy. And she suggested you go to the movies alone and even to (gasp) sports bars alone! In fact, she suggested that you dress up quite nicely and go to hockey games and try wandering into the VIP sections to nab a guy. Now I can be pretty bold sometimes (just ask me about the photographer @ the convention this last weekend) but I don't do all that well on my own. I think the problem there boils down to my core problem with the rest of her advice. Not only am I lazy,

I don't truly think all that highly of myself as a companion to the kind/type of man I'm hoping to attract.

Much as I tried to argue with her suggestions on primping up your package, I came away with a realization that ultimately she's trying to help you attain a certain attitude and joie de vivre that will attract the kind of guy you're looking for, and get you to a point where your package won't repel him simultaneously. And I don't have that. I typically hope that the guy "of my dreams" sees me, laughing, with friends and is intrigued by me before I EVER see him or notice he's in the room. (And, yes, Kelly, he comes up with a ring already in hand, gets down on one knee, tells me some incredibly trippy romantic crap ending with a proposal and then I do the Miss America hand flutter. The End.)

All of that work and effort and money spent, honestly? Just made me want to resign myself to a life of aloneness and self-provision. Not only because I don't want to do the work on the front side, I don't want to continue to work at it forever; and, I don't want to portray something disingenous right off the start.

I pondered what all this meant to me. And what I should post about it. And if I should ask you to sincerely ask your husbands, boyfriends, brothers opinion's about the tips and things that Patti has to say, with explicit instructions to post anonymously if you get any answer less than 'you're fantastic just exactly as you are!' And I've had a lot of pretty sad moments about it. Because as much as I don't see myself as some fantastic and amazing prize for some guy, I still want one of them to see it, and choose me. I kept thinking "I want to be the exception to Patti's rules" but according to He's Just Not That Into You I am the Rule, not the Exception. And thux is the crux of my paradox.

Tonight while driving to the gas station a song came on the radio. I felt God speak to me. He reminded me what He told me in church 2-3 weeks ago. Pastor was talking about the Walls of Jericho. Those Walls were so thick that they had chariot races around the top of them, Chariot Races! And archaeologists now have a hard time finding proof of the walls of that city at all. The two primary theories right now are that either they crumbled to dust instantaneously or the whole of the city walls imploded at once. And Pastor said that the Israelites could never have conquered that city if God hadn't already conquered the walls for them. As a people, as human beings, they would never have been able to break through that wall.

Pastor said that we all have walls already errected, and God is the only one that can take them down. We take our sword and poke at the walls and try to take them down ourselves and all we're really doing is making our sword dull. I felt God touch my heart in that moment. I felt Him tell me that how any given man views me is nothing I can control. Their perception is theirs, not mine. I can do little to nothing about what a man sees when he looks at my package. That is not my responsibility to worry about and fret about and get upset about and focus on and spend time energy and money on. And I had this surprising comfort about all of that. Then I started reading Patti's book. And I lost that comfort. I had taken onto my own responsibilities that which God had explicitly told me was not mine to control. And he reminded me

"Why are you striving? Why are you crying?
Let Me lift up your face, just don't turn away.

Why are you lookin for love?

I'll be by your side wherever you fall.

In the dead of night, whenever you call.

Please don't fight these hands that are holding you.

My Hands are Holding YOU.

I wanna give you life.

I'll never let you go."

HE is my exception. He is my provision. He is my comfort and peace and love. He is what sustains me. He is what protects me. He is what provides for me. HE is what will reveal to the right man what a jewel I truly am/could be. And, if that man can't see that, then it will be his loss, not mine.

Day 12 - The world at my feet

Finally went on another bike ride tonight. Oh my goodness!! Apparently, if you haven't ridden in, what, 2 weeks? 3? you probably shouldn't go straight back to the 10+ mile track you were doing when you were cycling 2 and 3 times per week minimum!! wowie!! The legs were a trembling about 3/4 of the way through my route. But then I also realized that I hadn't eaten anything to help get myself through the rut.

I needed a ride. I needed it a lot. I pondered a few things, and did not come up with anything profound. but I did have a new push for the ride. I mentioned yesterday that I got a book from the Library called Build it Big for direct sellers. Well, I started it today. The first essay was a good, well-chosen essay to begin with. Each essay has a few action steps you can take for that item, which is also handy. but the thing that struck me was right before the action steps he said something to the effect that you only have to exceed your expectations of yourself. Hmmm. That was new to me. I've learned a lot about expectations in the last 5 years since my Pastor came to our church. But I hadn't realized, I guess, how little I truly expect of myself. I expect a way lotta incredible stuff from my friends and family, not the least of which includes a bit of reading my mind; but, apparently, I don't expect all that much out of myself.

This is probably why I allow myself to be so deeply, incredibly lazy the vast majority of the time. I spend hours, literally hours! screwing around doing useless nothing on facebook and reading interesting and amusing blogs, but I can't be bothered to do my dishes or pick up my crap, much less actually work towards building something that I continually say that I want to have.

There was a revelation moment this weekend at our convention. Nicki Kealohohou (i think) was speaking about the truest reasons people get into direct sales. Most people will say money, or possibly time away from the kids, or for the discount, or the trips or whatever. But truly it usually comes down, at the deepest level, to one of just a few things. You want someone to respect you, you want someone to be proud of you, another one that escapes me at this moment, and You want to build something of your own from scratch. And a small bell went off in my mind. I dream, and I dream big! And it always includes other people, and it always includes an incredible amount of ownership for me. And I realized, that is my truest, deepest motivation. The same gut level motivation that makes me want to write and publish a book.

I pondered while riding that if all I truly have to do is beat myself then the rest should be fairly easy. I have the knowledge, I just have to script some of it out. I have the passion, I just have to share it. I have a phenomenal company behind me, I just need to utilize what they offer me. In so many ways I truly have the world at my feet. I just need to start walking!!

Day 11 - local love!

I love my local library. Do you? You ought. With the economy being what it is, and everyone tightening up their belts,the library is a FANTASTIC place to get things you want! You can get CDroms and books on CD. You can borrow movies ... for free!!! And, of course, you can get books on a myriad of interesting subjects. Curious about the Civil War? They've got something for that.

Curious about who in the heck Ann Coulter is?
They got something for that.

Wish you could afford to subscribe to Oprah, the Magazine?
They got it.

Wish you could subscribe to Architectural Digest
I think they probably got it.

Not to mention the classes and computer access ... and the kids room!! Which I don't really ever go in, but it can mean a lot to you moms!!

I always go overboard at the library. Always. Last time I was there I managed to hold back and did 2 dvds and a book. A book which I returned tonight because I realized it was just plain not that intriguing and it would become a chore to finish it. And if I let myself get much further invested in it, iwould end up with late fines trying to finish it on principle.

This time I was only going to get a couple of books. I came home with 7 books and 2 movies.

The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio. - because I've just always wanted to see it.
Persuasion, movie adaptation of a Jane Austen novel - because it is mentioned in The Lake House (which a friend still has!) and now I'm curious if I'll enjoy it at all or not.

I also just returned from my National Convention for my side business. L'Bri Pure 'n Natural skincare & cosmetics. So, I'm trying to overcome my only true obstacle, which lies between my ears. I got the following for that:

The Boss of You - Everything a Woman needs to Know to Start, Run, and Maintain Her Own Business.
Before you Quit Your Job by Robert Kiyosaki, author of Rich Dad, Poor Dad.
Conquering Cold-calling fear
Direct Sales, from like 1995, but who knows, it might have a few jewels.
Build it Big from the Direct Selling Women's Alliance, because the woman who founded the DSWA was one of our two major speakers this weekend, and she told us to buy this one. If I read it and want to write in it, I'll buy it in september when I have another paycheck with some cushion.
The 5 Lessons a Millionaire Taught me for Women.
And speaking of Millionaires I saw this one waiting for me on the New Releases rack. Become your own Matchmaker-8 Easy Steps for Attracting your Perfect Mate. I am already reasonably certain I'm not going to like around half of her advice, but I figure Patti Stanger might have something to offer me as the Millionaire Matchmaker. Plus, if you go back into my archives on my MSN blog page, I went on one time about how she matched this ridiculous woman to this decent guy and the guy TOTALLY fell in love with that chick. And I thought "If she can get love, then i am set!"

And I have had a very productive night. I did some business calls. I did a business outing and expanded my comfort zone a bit. I ate supper and chatted with a couple of friends online. And now it is time for sleepy. I really wish I had time to watch The Prize winner, but it is almost 10 and I'm still wiped from the weekend. Off to wash my face and to bed I go!!

day 10 - soft hearted

I had a tough time in grade school. I was from the other side of town and, well, to be honest, a little weird. Add to that the unarguable fact that I am 'soft' hearted. Mom sometimes says 'chicken' hearted. I usually say sensitive. But not only was it easy to hurt my feelings, it's actually pretty easy to hurt me physically. A simple punch on the shoulder could be enough to bring me to tears.

And we all know now absolutely, truly, unapologetically cruel kids can be.

I have made peace with it. It was actuallya round Christmas of 2001 that I watched a movie, Stepmom, and cried at the end and thought "I want to be around people that appreciate the tenderness of my heart." And I like to think I have done that. I have paid attention to how people react to me and how my spirit reacts to them. I have sought out friendships with people I am drawn to or people who seem to appreciate or respect my heart and soul. I have cultivated some incredibly good friendships that way.

Tonight I found out one of those friends is hurting. Badly. Tragically. That is all I will say. But my heart hurts for her and her family.

I cried for her tonight. But I also had to pay bills. Badly. I'm going on this thing this weekend and I need to know how much money I don't have. So, through watery eyes I paid my bills and balanced out my checkbook. While watching 27 dresses for the umpteenth time.

I've said it before, I can perty much guarantee I'll say it again, over and over again. This time, however, I am not going to start any list of my own. I am simply going to tell you to be absolutely certain that every single person you love knows you love them. Send the email. make the phone call. Text if you need to. Or post on facebook. However you need to have it said, say it. Now.

Day 9 - this just in

I had an idea for this post. And now I don't have the energy or desire to be that ranty and pissy.

I pondered what else I oculd write about. In the middle of an average work day i run into at least 3-4 producible (as in produced) ideas. but somehow, by the time I make it home and settle down here to write those ideas are all completely and utterly gone. And I have to truly rack my brains trying to find a worthwhile idea.

I got a new cell phone tonight! Yeah, I could go take a picture off the web of what the phone is, but I had my old phone for 42 months, so i'm not used ot the new one and truth be told I'm not so sure i like it. I have 30 days to decide.

I got a new couch!! But to truly share the joy that is the new couch, I'd need pictures, and I'm already sitting here typing and pics here on blogger can be kind of a pain. But I do love my new couch.

I got 2 new dressers!!! Again, to truly share the joy I'd want pictures. but these dressers aren't even put together yet, so you'd get a picture of 2 side by side boxes. But, since i brought it up, I do have a long dresser 6 large drawers and a middle section of 3 small drawers, all very solid wood and in good shape. If you can haul it, you can have it. But, even that is lacking because I am too lazy to go take a picture of it.

Then I decided my topic. And realized it would be a whole new thing for us! And promptly realized I may be out of touch this weekend .... I do not have a laptop nor access to one, to my knowledge, and I will be way out of town. hmm. this should be interesting.

My weekend plans are fantastic. At least I hope they end up being fantastic. I have a pretty reasonable set of expectations so I think I'll be ok.

Friday morning from 7 am to 9 am begins the Registration for L'Bri Pure 'n Natural's National Convention!!!!!!!!

What is L'Bri you ask? Well, L'Bri is a pure and natural skincare company with aloe-based products that don't contain water. Because we figure you can get water out of your tap. I have been using L'Bri skincare for about 4 years now and became a consultant with them last year. I absolutely love this product. I can truly say that I have, literally, seen a difference in my own skin in various subtle and not so subtle ways in the 4 years I've been using it. And I absolutely love that I can help other people solve and cure their own skin challenges and feel better about what they present to the world. It truly is a Phenomenal company. I have met the founder and president, Linda Kaminski, 3 times. In person, I've chatted with her! And the company has been in business for 10 years!

I am very excited to say that this year I'm taking a chance and going to this convention. Last year I didn't go because I just couldn't convince myself to spend the money or something. This year, I'm taking a chance. God and I have a vision for my next few years you see, and L'Bri is part of that vision.

The only downside is that i have to be ... ((gasp)) I just googled it, a whole hour away from my own house by 730 on Friday morning to pick up a consultant friend to drive to wherever the heck this ting is, somewhere outside of Chicago, for two days of training and sharing and enjoyment and excitement. Well, there is a 2nd downside. Her hubby is coming down to meet up with her for the Saturday nite awards banquet so they'll drive back home together and I'll drive back home alone. C'est la vie.

But, like I said, I'll be at this thing with no laptop and no obvious access to a computer. so, I guess we'll be blogging til Labor Day!!

I ate something not happy at lunch and almost gave myself a migraine. I still have a headache and I'm very tired. So rather than waxing nostalgic or something about this convention I am quite excited about, I'm going to go wash my face and crash on my new couch with New in Town and play with my new cell phone and figure out how to get rid of a 6,000 pound dresser.

Day 8 - I forgive myself, you should too

Yes, I missed a day. But it was a lovely way to miss. And I'm not ashamed of it whatsoever. I'm sorta proud actually. Especially since I spent half the evening composing this post in my head.

I was only supposed to work Monday until 1230. I didn't leave until 1:00, and I still had to pack, and stop at the grocery store, and then stop at the gas station, and then the major highway between here and my destination was dead stopped for a major repaving project. Which it needs, but is still a pain in the backside.

I had intended to be at the house for the project by 130. Which in my constant state of perpetual late-ness would have truly ended up being about 230. I didn't leave my own town until 230. I didn't arrive until 3. I was kinda freaking out. I didn't know if anything was waiting on me, or if anyone was waiting on me, or if we would absofreakinglutely run out of time all because I couldn't friggin be on time for once in my life.

My mom likes to say that I'll probably be late for my own wedding. Truth be told, i can perty much guarantee that I will be. Unless I have the amazing and wonderful friends who love me in spite of my perpetual lateness remove every timepiece in a 2 mile radius of wherever I am at the moment and even then still LIE to me about what the actual time is. Which is actually what I am currently planning to request if I ever get married. Otherwise, we can all sleep easy tonight in the absolute assurance that I WILL in fact be late for my own wedding. Having explained all that, I would like to note that usually I, myself, like to state that I'll probably be late for my own funeral. Which I think is infinitely funnier because after I'm dead, how in gawd's name am I going to make myself late??? THAT blame totally falls on someone else's shoulders.

Sarah, one of my newer friends, and daughter of a very dear friend of mine, was very relaxed about my incredible lateness. She had taped the whole room where we were starting and had started edging and painting a bit. Her 5 younger siblings were already gone with their mom so that 1) we'd have a quiet calm house to paint in, 2) no one could accidentally or not-so-accidentally walk through paint somehow and 3) because her mom wanted nothing whatsoever to do with the accomplishing of this task.

I lamented my lateness, she assuaged my guilt, I changed into painting clothes and we charged into painting the living room. A lovely shade of white called Candlelight over top of prior white. If you've never painted white on white, it can be really difficult to tell where you've painted and where you haven't. Sarah pointed out 3/4 of the way around the sunroom on the 2nd day that one of the best ways to tell where you've painted is to look for paint on the blue edging tape. Totally did not occur to me before that. I can be oblivious that way sometimes.

We got a pretty good rhythm going Sarah and I. Finished out one wall, switched jobs. Finished another wall, I moved to the hallway. Finished the dining room wall, finished the edging. Not all necessarily in this exact order, but it felt like a good rhythm. We took breaks when we wanted. I consumed only a single cupcake*, typically a sustenance which I require at 30-45 minute intervals while painting. I drank 2 bottles of Coke in the duration of the evening, a feat unseen by my stomach in a number of weeks. A painful feat that I am still paying for today.

Her dad, one of the greatest men I've ever personally known, brought us home pizza. We had a lot of pizza. Which turned out perfect because another pair of friends showed up to just visit. They are moving to Texas (which, in my mind is said in Spanish and therefore would look like Tejhas, but I thought might confuse you) on Sunday nite sometime. After the pizza was consumed and kiddos were settled the men went to work dismantling the sunroom so we could paint and the women took care of tucking away the pizza and proceeded to have an absolutely lovely evening sharing a highly amusing movie night and ice cream together. We watched New In Town, the movie I reviewed in my last post. I laughed, again, just as hard as I laughed the first 4 times I watched it. Oh goodness i lovelovelove that movie. And a little over halfway through the visiting friend mentioned that she could hear her hubby upstairs laughing and that was a very good sign because usually you can't even get him to talk.

And I thought, This is the perfect way to spend a day. I was able to bless one friend. I was able to put a number of new blocks into my foundation of friendship with Sarah. I was able to chat and laugh with a visiting friend who I don't see all that often. I was blessed by the friendships and the 'little people' that I got to spend time with. a little usefulness, a little food, and a lotta laughter and fun.

My Cup Runneth Over.

* I did, however, eat 2 cupcakes through the night. Which left a handy 5. And there are 5 kids in that house. So I left the rest for them to eat at mom's discretion. Clearly I do not require any more cupcakes in my diet. Or coke. But, sleep? yes, sleep.

Day 7 - sorta cheating, Movie Review!

You may or may not be aware, but I write movie reviews for a website. The Christian Manifesto. I was drawn to this website specifically because the editor, Calvin, has a vision/mission to push Christian filmmaking, and music etc, to a higher level. To review it as we would any Hollywood style movie and expect more out of them. Because there are so few Christian films being done, I review whatever is floating around, with my Jesus bent of course, but also with my single girl bent, and my own personality and tolerance levels etc. I've thoroughly enjoyed writing for him for the last year or so. It has been a struggle for me. I am INCREDIBLY moody about watching movies, i.e. which movie to watch when, and I am a procrastinator, and I have never been consistent about anything in my life, except my lack of consistency, which I can only think can't possibly count. But he and I are working together, he is INCREDIBLY patient with me and it was an additional outlet to writing. Without further adieu, here is the review I just submitted for the newest Renee Zellweger movie, New in Town, with Harry Connick Jr.

New In Town -


New in Town is a sweet, corny romantic comedy. It is also set in a unique place, way deep into the mid-west. New Ulm, Minnesota to be exact. And if you doubt any of the authenticity, the featurettes make it clear how real the shooting was, since they shot the film on location in Winnepeg Canada and the average temperature was 50 below zero. That was pretty impressive actually. And made for a uniqueness and realism that you don't always see in movies supposedly 'set' in a certain place.

Renee Zellweger does a good job as Lucy. She is hard when she needs to be, somehow a bit naïve, and completely blindsided by love. Ted, played by Harry Connick Jr, is the kind of guy most girls would love to meet. He is a fireman and the local union rep, he is a single dad who obviously cares very deeply for his 13 year old daughter, and he's hot as ... well, let's just say he's hot. The supporting cast does a phenomenal job, especially when faced with an accurate 'Yooper' accent. Siobhan (pronounced sha-vaun) Fallon you may recognize as the birthing teacher from Baby Mama. She has done a number of films, always in a supporting role, and always does what I consider to be a fantastic job. She is just as fantastic here. Brings the culture of the midwest to life and yet doesn't allow it to be flat or uninspired or offensive to those of us who actually choose to live like that. She is helped by J.K. Simmons, who can be recognized as the newspaper boss in the Spiderman movies, and I believe he was the father in Juno. He does much the same as Siobhan does, brings the different way of life to the screen in a 3-d, fully fleshed out version. Both of them have what I consider to be some of the funniest lines in the movie.

Also, worth noting is the 'character' of the cold. The writer says in one of the special features videos that he wanted the cold to be a character unto itself. It is. As I mentioned above they filmed this movie in Winnipeg, and that part of the special features had it's own kind of amusement that builds into a fair amount of appreciation.

If you've ever lived in the midwest, if you're a native, or if you've ever wondered how we manage to do more months of freeze-your-tuckus-off-cold than not, then this is a movie you'll enjoy. If you're from the midwest, keep an eye on Lucy's wardrobe, you'll see the funnies coming before she does. This is a sweet, corny movie. It's actually another good choice for trying to impress a girl on date nite. Especially since Harry Connick, Jr, actually says at one point in the featurette “You can't 'be' sexy under 8 layers of clothes, it just can't be done.” So, you won't get completely pushed aside for the hunky hunk on the screen. I laughed a lot, and I laughed hard. And I watched it twice the first night, and twice more the following week. I may go watch it tonight as I fall asleep.

Day 6 - A test, from the book

Give me a memory of your mother, aunt or grandmother.
I remember my grandma got Bell's Palsy. We were at my Aunt Carol's house and one side of grandma's face just drooped. Kind of like when you have dental work done and you can't feel your one cheek and jaw. But we kids, my cousins and I, were around 7-10ish at the time and we thought it was SO FUNNY!! So, we kept asking grandma to eat different things to watch it dribble down her chin because she couldn't feel it. Ice cream. Soda Pop. Whatever. We thought it was 'pee your pants' hysterical at the time. Looking back I'm almost a little ashamed of us. She seemed to be such a good sport about it. I don't remember her getting upset or angry at all. I think she probably just stopped playing along. That story is also my inspiration for the title of the memoir I thinkI ought to write about her one day. I've always planned on calling it "Grandma's Lips."

Give me a memory of the color red.
I was actually just out shopping with a friend tonight and re-told this story. I was at a JCPenney's once trying on tops to go to some event of some sort. And I found this really cute red cable-knit style sweater. It had a criss cross in the chest and a higher seam to go just under your bust and it was pretty fitted. Well, I put it on and stepped out of the dressing room and started laughing so hard!! I realized that my 'girls' looked exactly like eyes (i think it was an incredibly poor choice of bra) and then my belly button was TOTALLY visible right in the middle and then the way it fell across the bottom of my Santa Belly made me look like a walking smiley face. Take a minute and picture this .... CRACKED ME UP!!!!!

Give me a memory of sound.
I am enthralled with the hum of cicadas. I love that rise and fall of their buzz. I usually think "This is summer, this is MY indication that summer has arrived." It is almost as good as chirping crickets or croaking frogs. Actually a swamp full of croaking frogs would probably be my all time favorite noise ever, but the cicadas just hold a special place in my heart.

Give me a picture of a teacher you had in elementary school.
hmmmm, so many to choose from. In fifth grade I had Mrs. Rousseau. She had a solid wood podium at the front of our class. She had frizzy, short, gray hair. She was incredibly stern, but a good teacher. She told my mom at a conference that I was 'more mature' than the rest of the class, as I was sitting there holding my Cabbage Patch Premie doll. She also taught us 'health' and more importantly the sex ed portion of that class. As an opener she leaned across the podium, and pointed at everyone, and in an incredibly stern teacher voice, declared "If anyone laughs at the words penis or vagina, you will go directly to the principal's office." I was barely paying attention at the time and actually laughed at something a classmate said or did and was terrified that I would get sent to the office for it. She either didn't notice me laughing or knew it wasn't a result of paying attention in class.

Tell me about a meal you loved.
I went out to dinner with a friend a few months ago. To a Ground Round about a mile and a half from my house. I got this cheesey, chicken, tortelloni concoction and it was absolutely divine! I love cheese, I'm from Wisconsin, whaddya expect. But the cheese sauce on this perfectly cooked tortelloni with high quality chicken clearly having been marinating in that sauce was one of the most delicious things in recent memory. I was very sad to lose that meal while I went through my lactose intolerance phase. (which I cured by having my galbladder removed, in case you were wondering why it was a phase.)

Tell me about a time you remember rain.
This morning was a lovely way to wake up. Well-rested and awakened by the pitter patter of a thunderstorm rolling in and the occasional far off roll of thunder. But my favorite thing about rain is what it speaks to me. In college I was walking in the slightest of sprinkles and simply being aware of God and His Goodness towards me. I felt like he said to me that each raindrop that hit my skin was ike a kiss form him. As a person who thrives and requires a fair degree of physical contact, that spoke VOLUMES to me. It still does.

10 smells I remember.
Grandma's avon lotion
Ex-boyfriend's colognes
rain
teakwood 7 cardamom partylite candles
garlic
skin, when you're close to someone, like somoene you're dating and you get close enough to smell their skin, not cologne or soap.
enjoli, mom's perfume
fresh cut grass
lake water
wood smoke

Day 5 - Perspective

I got a call from a friend tonight. Two calls actually. The first told me that she was having a rough day. Nothing 'end of the world' nothing enormously tragic or traumatic, just one of those hard days we all have. The second was asking me to come over for some emergency friend time. I had to wait about 5 minutes for my pizza in the oven to finish, but that gave me 5 minutes to gather emergency friend time supplies. And then I bolted.

We just chatted, I helped her get her kids to bed, and she felt at least a little better I think by the time I left.

As I drove home I couldn't help but think about the differences in our lives. I praised God, again, that I have the absolutely unequivocal freedom to simply drop my existing plans and bolt to her house as fast as legally possible. Granted if I had only a husband I would still more than likely be able to say 'Honey, she needs some girl time,I've got to go, I'll see you in a couple of hours.' But maybe not, it depends on what we were doing. And if I had kids of my own, most likely I wouldn't have been able to leave, period.

I have an incredibly varied circle of friends. One married incredibly young. One lives in a teeny tiny house. One has a story I simply can't even compress into a couple of words because the length and breadth of it takes my own breath away. One new friend has one child and plans to live abroad. One has two kids, One has 2 and one in the oven, one has three consisting of two birth and one adoptive, one has a total of 8 that arrived in 2 batches and one has 4 under the age of 5. One 'gets' me in the depression stuff I struggle with. One's mere presence in my world exhorts me to keep fighting the good fight. One accepts me as another extention of her family. All have kids who absolutely adore me. There is no inflated ego there, ask my friends, their kids think i nearly walk on water. I have one friend I've been friends with since high school, one I've known since college, a few for 5+ years and others for various other times. And then there is the new friend from college I reconnected with this week. Oh, and the friend who moved to Florida who also holds her own special place, and our mutual friend I've gotten close to who feeds my sporadic pyromanic need.

I often try to remind myself that I have a speed dial of amazing friends. And if it really hit the fan at 3 in the morning, I know there are a few people I could call. However, in this age of cell phones and turning them on vibrate/silent or charging them in the other room that might be harder than it was 4 years ago. But I know that If I were truly truly in need of something I have more than just a couple of people to ask. And that's only counting what I consider my 'Inner Circle.'

I know I am blessed. But the friendships aren't easy. They take work like any relationship does. They take understanding and concern and compassion and empathy, and effort. Effort which I'm reasonably sure I would not have had if I'd been married all these years and certain not if I'd grown a kid or two.

I always have a lot of days where I wish there was someone there. But usually whatever my 'reason' of the moment is I can get it fulfilled in other ways, or it's a silly/stupid reason. In the movie Bounce Ben Affleck's character says that he doesn't have a 'last call of the day,' and he wants that. I often say that to myself, that i wish I had a last call of the day.

On my worst days, usually already in the throes of a full meltdown I think "I just want someone to CARE!" But have finally gotten to a point where even that sounds hollow. I am absolutely certain I have quite a few people who care, even if the originating issue is sometimes incredibly shallow or stupid.

Sometimes I just want there to be someone waiting. Waiting to see my smile. Waiting for me to wake up. Waiting for me to come to bed. Waiting to see my reaction to something. Waiting for my delicious dinner. Someone who truly enjoys my company so much that he chose to make it a permanent habit. But then, I run around a LOT and it could be because I don't care for my own company so much, how could I think anyone else could.

I know there are people in my circles who envy my continued singleness. They envy my lovely apartment and my ability to schedule whatever I wish whenever I wish, for the most part. Some people envy my youth and what they assume to be enough time to learn to fix my crappy habits. I, myself, am not quite so convinced of this. A few envy my freedom. Freedom to turn off the noise and bask. Or freedom to turn on EXACTLY the noise that I desire to hear. Freedom to clean or not clean as the mood strikes, which to be honest it seldom does. Freedom to earn and spend as I wish without checking with someone constantly for permission or balances. And some may envy my peace. My ability to live mostly at peace in life with no one else exerting regular and strenuous pressure or distress into my life. The ability to simply walk away from a relationship if I deem it unhealthy or unwise.

I understand all of that. Intellectually. And some days I even 'get' it on a spirit level. But I still have a lot of days where I think "Do you know what I would give to have that???" And truth be told, if I truly had to choose something to give it's not nearly so great as I think, but that depth of desire is still there. I look at different families and wish for different pieces. I even say out loud, I don't want your husband, but I do want my version of what you have.

And maybe it's not to be. But I do so wish that more of us could get our perspective straightened out. I wish that they could see that although i am free to earn and spend as I wish, I am also limited by a single income and my own incredibly well-formed bad habits, And I have no inherent accountability to check and balance my emotions. Although I am free to come and go as I please, I often end up here alone playing ridiculous and pointless facebook games just to pass the time until i can fall asleep; and, that I am often sleep-deprived because if I wait long enough before crawling into bed, i won't notice that I'm falling asleep alone again for the 2589th time. I may be free to turn on or off the noise as I wish, but the silence of often deafening and the choice of noise is often dialogue that romanticizes entirely too much. I may have a number of people I could call at 3 am if something tragic happened, but when I have a bad day and that straw breaks this camel's back, I cry alone.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born,
and a time to die;
a time to plant,
and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill,
and a time to heal;
a time to break down,
and a time to build up;
A time to weep,
and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn,
and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones,
and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace,
and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get,
and a time to lose;
a time to keep,
and a time to cast away;
A time to rend,
and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence,
and a time to speak;
A time to love,
and a time to hate;
a time of war,
and a time of peace.

I just wish we could each come to a stronger and deeper appreciation for whatever season we're in right now. You've had some upheavals and put on a bit of weight. I've had no upheavals and consistently carry 20-50 pounds too much weight. You are tired all the time because your hormones are off the charts. I am tired all the time because I am too preoccupied and distracted to shut off this time sucker and get inside a bed to fall asleep. You cry because you are stressed out from re-negotiating life with a brand new person added to your family. I cry because I jammed up my hand badly and it hurt like a whole lotta words I won't put into print here.

I told my friend tonight "all you gotta do is breathe. That's it." And she took a deeper breath and gave me a very small smile. Don't be forever looking to the next season, appreciate this one you're in, it'll go by much too fast. You don't wanna miss this.

Day 4 - too close to sleepyville

I did a Young Professional's thing tonight with my sister.

It went well. Have some info, someone has mine, not a guy, but a good start to the nite.

then I called a friend in another state about my business opportunity. Conversation went well. He's a sweet guy I went to college with .... we'll just leave it at that.

Then i came to my best friend's house to watch New In Town. very funny. Even funnier WITH her than when i watched it on my own this weekend.

All of this to explain that it is now 1125 and I still have to get to my own house, wash my face, make my coffee, and get to bed. so .... t his is all the post you're getting tonight.

Day 3 - I am Looking at

The first exercise in the book is to spend 10 minutes straight writing, specifically, what I Am Looking At. I can do that. And although I wasn't 'feeling' this exercise last night, I am today. why? Mostly because i am trying to avoid a scathing, ranty, rude and possibly damaging blog lamenting the various stupid people I have to deal with. I am realizing I have an incredibly low tolerance for stupid. So ...

I Am Looking At my emachines monitor. which holds a postcard that says 'Writing - Weekly Photography - Monthly' Originally a way of setting a goal for 2008 to remind myself to do something with my writing weekly and do something with my photography monthly. Also a water bottle, scissors, white-board marker, empty mini-bottle of coke, computer speakers, 3 remote controls, a handful of pencils, another postcard which says 'maintain budget' not doing so well on that one, my calendar, a motivational candleholder I received as a gift on a shelf I bought at goodwill. An interesting piece of artwork I did in college. My license plate renewal notice which was due at the end of June (oops!). My eft schedule for a bill, my corkboard full of items, the hot guy birthday card I got from my coworker, the slip of paper that has my rough budget on it, another slip with my 2009 goals on it ... I am mostly failing MISERABLY at that list. A lovely prose essay I read awhile back and reformatted to put up and inspire myself. My credit score, a prayer letter, two quotes from close friends about my goals for this year. The loan payoff statement on my car insurance. The mini lamp my godmother put in the grab bag a couple of christmases ago which I love but now don't really have a 'place' for. a box of kleenex. the red sorter thingy i use for my receipts. my lovely lovely lovely camera sitting on top of a pot holder. oh, look the other potholder is under my arms and that would explain why I couldn't find them both in the drawer last night. my pink dollar store calculator, since I somehow NEVER have a calculator when i want one. a random mirror that I have on my desk for no apparent reason. A postage scale for when I mail heavy-ish items out. My bill sorter, my hp printer that I got as a gift from my friend Mary .....

I think 10 minutes is up. and, more importantly, that wasn't too hard for me. More or less how my brain works almost all the time. The 2nd part of the exercise is to spend another 10 minutes telling what "I'm thinking of...."

I'm thinking of ... things I don't want to post for all the world to see. I'm thinking of how lovely it will be to reconnect with an old friend from college tonight. I should probably go gather some hangin out clothes so I don't have to come back home after I get off work. But then if I go to the interstate down this road rather than that road then I won't feel likeI'm backtracking and won't mind coming home in between. I'm thinking of whether or not her kids will like me. What will her husband be like? I met him once or twice but never for very long. What will she be like for that matter. We spent some time together in college but we didn't get THAT close, I didn't think. So, this should be interesting.

and, now another boring post concluded .... because I just realized I have to be back to work before the 10 minutes for this portion is up.

however, I had to get this up because I know for certain I will NOT be home early enough to post anything tonight. So, I had to get it in today if I wanted to hold to my goal. Hopefully somethign much more interesting and amusing tomorrow. I'm going to a business thing with my sister tomorrow after work and then probably to see a movie at a friend's house. Somewhere in there should be some gooooooood blogger fodder.

Day 2 - Vanity run Amuck

I was going to tell you all this. Then I decided no, I'll save it for when I see people and can get their dramatic and intensely gratifying responses. Then I decided I don't have anything better to say and it's getting late for me and I haven't even eaten supper yet and I have to check on my facebok Restaurant and email a friend to get directions to her house and i'm just gosh darn out of time to get creative any other way. And I'm not feeling the vibe from the 1st exercise in the book.

I had an 'appointment' today. That was all I told the office. Because I was proactively trying to avoid irritation at sniping because it was a hair cut appointment and not something 'important.' When I returned I got a couple of dramatic responses and a couple of not so dramatic responses. One coworker told me she thought it looked more curly only to be followed by another coworker saying she thought it looked less curly.

I was originally going to be babysitting for a friend tonight for a few hours possibly. And at 2:00 she texted me to say they in fact did not need my services. So, I was suddenly left with an open evening ... What to do???

Ride my bike across town to my parents to show off the haircut!!

Of Course!

It is only about 6-10 miles from my house to theirs. It was a lovely ride. Perfect weather, in my opinion. Sister liked it. Mom liked it. When asked directly dad said he thought something looked different. I had 5 or so inches chopped off! Gawd I do love that man. And even moreso because after spending 45 minutes at my sister's house and 45 minutes at my parent's house it was much too dark to be riding back home on the bike. He drove me. Whattaguy!!

I had hoped that this could be a slightly profound post of something worth mentioning. I'm apparently under the impression that I write a deep thoughts blog that requires intense concentration. but, wait, I put up a picture of a bunny, a groundhog, oh, yeah, that's right and me next to a giant fake sow! Not so deep thoughts anymore are we smart one!

Have I mentioned that I am very tired of being alone? not just lonely, although that makes it worse, i'm just galdarn tired of being alone so often. Well, maybe not often, but @ 'critical' times ... or something like that.

oh, and, have i told you yet how much I have absolutely fall in love? With baked potatoes slathered in ranch dressing and parmesan cheese??? newest love. Perfect for a very late supper.

30 days of writing

I read The Pioneer Woman. She is amusing and helps distract me from my world. She also reminds me that you can be crazy in love with the same man for an extremely long number of years. I am hoping for that. Recently she went to the BlogHer conference and embarassed herself rather profoundly. So, after reading that, i wanted to read "the rest of the story" as paul harvey or whatever that guy's name is, would say. So, I clicked through to Mrs. Flinger's post of the same incident.. Which took half a day because P-Dub has so much traffic she crashed Mrs. Flinger's website!! While there I noticed that Mrs. Flinger has joined or started a challenge or something called 30 days of (blank). At the time I thought "Ha! I never do ANYTHING for 30 days much less something I'm challenged or requested or required to do!" But then I thought "Maybe this is the time, maybe THIS is the thing that will jump start my 'life' Maybe this time it will be different. hmmm, what can I agree to do for 30 days???" And came up with absolutely nothing, so i gave up the thought and moved on to facebook games.

Today I took a half day to spend the afternoon @ a movie with the daughter of a dear friend, a daughter who is nearly my age, certainly my generation, and who I'm building a new friendship with. I just love making new friends. Don't get me wrong it has it's moments and it's hiccups and stressors and 'oh my gawd am i a completely overanalytical PSYCHO because I even wonder if she thought (X) when I said That?!?!' But, at the end, I usually have someone whose company I enjoy and who 'gets' me on some level worth having and who I can offer something back to. I'm not much for one-sided friendships.

Turned out that the daughter, Sarah, (you can read her stuff here by the way) ended up with no vehicle, so rather than seeing a movie and having cawfee here in my town, I drove to her town and visited with her and my dear friend (who has the BESTEST stories and desperately needs to be blogging for the amusement of the rest of us, at minimum) for a bit and then headed out. She had emailed me that she wouldn't have a vehicle and was thinking that she wanted a 'writing date.' I have no idea what that was supposed to look like because we did not do that at all. We went to one coffee shop which closed, literally, at that moment, welcome to 'small town america' and were required to go to the other coffee shop in town that is a drive through small trailer-like-place on a major corner and has only drive through. But, oh do they have DIVINE cawfee AND fantastic muffins. So, we went to a park and sat at a picnic table and just talked and shared. About life and families and siblings and relationships and marriage vs singleness, and parenthood, and other friends we've had, and even a bit about church! (gasp!) All in all we just plain had a lovely time visiting and getting to know one another. She laughed at all my obvious jokes, bonus for her! and good for my ego. ((this is super weird writing this knowing full darn well that she AND her mother will read this.... makes me wonder if they'll laugh at this word or that phrase ... not that I have anything negative or less than rosy to say, just disconcernting to be absolutely certain that she will read this in the near future.)) So, she laughed at my jokes and I laughed at hers and we snorted at the ridiculousness of other people and shared. Just plain shared. It was lovely.

@ the end of it all she lent me a book. A book that is, apparently, so good that she bought 2 copies because she figured between moving back to the States from Colombia only so she can move on to Kuwait in a couple of weeks, she would end up losing a copy somewhere in the world and wish for a second. Or something like that. So, she lent me this book, Old Friend from Far Away - The Practice of Writing Memoir. And explained that it was excellent, especially in the field of honing your own craft of writing. So, i tucked it in my bag with the thought "I need to get this out as soon as I get home so I can get reading it so I can return it in a timely manner. Instead of the "I've had your book for over a year now Liz and I do apologize, but I did try to get ahold of you to return it a couple of weeks ago when I was in Madison, but you didn't return my call" way that I usually borrow a book.

As per usual on my drive home I made a phone call to a friend to tell her something and we chatted a bit. (Hi Mandy!) And then I called another friend to return her call and confirm that I was babysitting for her tomorrow nite. And then I called my friend from Florida who had called me while @ Sarah's temporary house where they have almost no cell phone reception as a rule inside their property line. And next thing I know it's 9 pm and then some. But I remembered the book and decided to grab it quick to see what the introduction looked like and see how much I could possibly get through yet tonight before my eyelids get so heavy I can't actually decipher the words on the page I'm staring at any longer. Okay, so that is an exaggeration, but only because I have a j-o-b that expects me to be inside the building, showered and dressed and ready to be productive at 8 am. Which is really about the time I'd like to start thinking about getting out of bed. But that is another post for another day, maybe, if I can drag it out into an entire post.

While reading the intro to that book I was ever so slightly energized to get writing. And after sharing the afternoon with Sarah I was inspired/encouraged to get writing again. And the planets aligned, and it was the Age of Aquarius and Faery dust settled across my forehead and shoulders and i thought

I could do 30 days of writing!!!

That I think I could do. Especially since once I read through the introduction and did a bit of skimming of the table of contents I realized that the book could help me with posts on days that I feel like I have nothing to say worth posting.

Then, it happened. The same thing that always happens. Every time I try something like this, I fail. Why? Because I inevitably overcomplicate it. Or I get it so built up to a thing in my mind that I simply give up before I've started. And I caught myself thinking "Hm, what else can I add to this? What else can I do for 30 days alongside the blogging that I 'need' to get done?" Apparently I am a chronic and addicted multi-tasker. I can't even simply take 30 days, live my life as per usual, and add a blog a day. I have to add a blog, and business phone calls, and cleaning/tidying my house, and exercising-eating right, and reading, and and and and and and and

And I caught it. I heard myself. And, most importantly, I stopped myself. "Why can't I live my life as per usual, and simply, only, exactly, write one post per day for the next 30 days?" So, rather than overcomplicate as usual, rather than quit before I've begun, rather than multitask to the Nth degree, I am going to post. I am going to post one post per day. I am going to do my bestest to have something worth saying every day, but, clearly, some days will be silly or funny or cute or a picture or a funny video or nothing profound at all. But, I will post.

Yes, I realize it's already the 3rd. Thus begets my last and fairly major roadblock to any similar endeavor in the past. I am a rule buck-er. I don't like rules. Even self-imposed, ridiculous, for my own good, have no punishment nor basis in reality, rules. If I set a 'rule' that I can only have X amount of chocolate per day, I will go over for the sheer fact that I am an adult and I can have chocolate if I want chocolate. Or any number of other rules. Instead of quitting before I've begun because it's already the 3rd I'm simply going to go to Sept 3 .... or Aug 31 ... or Dec 24. Who knows!

Are you with me?? Do you have something you'd like to try for the next 30 days??

Jump right on in, the water's fine, a bit chilly, but it'll just wake you up, bracing cold they say ... no one knows who they are, but apparently they're quite smart.

p.s. no facebook games were harmed in the writing of this post, nor were any played, in fact they were all quite effectively ignored universally.